Rough Week

So far the only good thing that has happened this week has been a decent paycheck from my other part time job. The night job has been slow and I really underestimated the weather last night which put my night in the negative hole. I'd rather pay a small price for a hotel stay than gamble the odds of hospital bills and car repair. The back roads were so seriously dangerous. It wasn't the thicket sheet of ice that I've seen but there was a sheet of ice on the roads. It's a wonder that we had any customers at all last night. I guess driving in the ice was the customer's additional thrill last night........ My baby girl was sick earlier in the week, I had to postpone one work day and leave a shift early, I've still had some rough nights of sleep, and one of the worst hits to take of all this week was the way Jack left me hanging in an insult. I don't even feel he has ran to come chasing after me or making any effort to redeem himself after I hit him back with "one less problem." Sometimes it's bad to take a kill, but what's worse is not being loved enough and being left to hang........... I can only keep going the one less problem route and I'm not necessarily looking for a rebound. I feel hit from another man by another approach than a rebound, but I guess he used it as his opportunity anyway. I'm pretty sure I know his name, but I don't completely remember the way he looks either. This is another random guy I met awhile back and don't know him enough at all. While I have doubts that he is a match, he's an alpha male coming after me and I'm targeted by him for some reason. I bet he does have another woman, he's just a certain alpha male type. He has an approach that Travis has: "I'm a stripper who is asking for it and has "fuck me" written all over her." (It isn't that I want to try to be friends with Quinn on this one either. I think Jack probably is dumping me for Quinn and I hate her now. It isn't the most serious hate, but I have to have a little bit of a grudge against Jack too because of the way he will keep my sex threatened like some other unwanted men. One less problem Jack) "I'm a stripper who is asking for it." While I have a tough time defending myself especially with the Pamela name change, it's a really painful kill to take from this local. I really have had periods that come and go from different people whose terrible approach brings a worse pain, and the name "Pamela," has helped my peace of mind some. The pain I'm in with this local alpha really is not as bad as the other pain, but it hurts to be wanted by him. If I could afford to be summoned by him, I would stop at the place I would assume him to be at tonight. Last night put me in the hole and the next last night I worked was terribly slow and I didn't make much that night either. I'm curious to see him and try to remember the face to his name and wonder what he would do if I tried to see him. I wonder if he would be mad if I came to him, or he wants to keep me his secret in his basement. His basement with a cage LOL oh so terrible because I sometimes do have a serious bloody murder scream... enough said in that thought....If he really means to be possessive the way he was being; the possessiveness is unfair and a little on the terrifying side. I might be able to see him in a couple of weeks. I was thinking about going to Pittsburgh and pick a club to try near the end of the month. (Not looking for a rebound in this instance either. For the sake of traveling.) I really don't know where I'm going and maybe this is just a brief fling of this guy's heat where it will fade off and I'll continue on with everyday life...Until then, continuing on and keeping myself moving

As the Sarah Turns: A seriously bad day

I woke up late and had a really rough start to my day. I fell back asleep after the alarm went off. I was mostly able to have my display set up by opening time. I wanted to have finished a bag by then but it didn't work out because of rush hour traffic and a few blips on my mapquest directions from the previous day. On the way to the convention this morning, I scratched a part of my car in the parking garage. Not only did that occurrence happen, but I discovered that the front screen of my phone was shattered. It still works, but I will definitely have to get it replaced. I'm so upset to have another random expense come up. Fortunately, I can procrastinate with this one. I have felt exhausted most of the day. Life has been so stressful in the past few days. While I wasn't able to work any nights this week, I was able to pick up a lot of extra work time at my day job in the earlier part of the week. With the ups and downs of it all, my first day at the convention hasn't really been a success. I only made one sale today and I'm pretty upset about it. I wouldn't say it was crowded today. Maybe my location for this type of fall festival is off and Ocean City is mostly a ghost town. I still did assume that it still had some population during the winter season, but there doesn't seem to be much of one. I'm really upset about it. While I still have tomorrow, I was hoping this festival would have been a banking one. I've had festivals where I don't make anything the first day but a lot the next, but it's not always guaranteed to work out. I'm not going to put my hopes up too much tomorrow. If anything, I'll experiment with a different festival location for next year. If I am going to get back into spring and summer crafting, I would have wanted to pick the same place, but the variables with it all are still many. Definitely a busier place in spring and summer and it could be an opposite effect compared with the fall crafts....I really don't know what I'm going to do yet. This convention center has been the best and seriously grand building I have been in yet, but I havn't been making the best of sales.... In the rest of my exhaustion, I had a pretty sleepless night last night. I felt both very lucky and unlucky.... I meant to bring sleeping pills to help incase sleeplessness happened but failed to remember to bring them. I think I will most likely have better rest tonight. My heart breaks back to my luck and unluck. David is still lurking and creeping around. Josh has some kind of revenge and something has gotten into him. Jack and the Copper keep an interest and keep me guessing and tested. I'm not understanding some men in my life. It has been a long time since I've felt like such a man magnet. I know I want attention and love. It's not all love though. I know some men to be mean and sick and I'm not understanding the what or why of the mean and sick. I feel a little embarrassed for myself and I know a few really mean to get the better of me. ....... My room was supposed to come with a Jacuzzi tub, but it came with a regular bath tub. I just finished a lavender salt bubble bath anyway and it was a nice stress relief and cleanse. And although I didn't make a lot of money, I really need the comfort food and a comfort drink. After that, I plan to knit myself to sleep for the remainder of the night.

From Travis: Dear Future Wife

Well Travis, looks like I am defenselessly left to play a sloppy guessing game of pretend. Must be over with you and your wife. While you have yet to suffer any severe injuries as in "Me Before You," it is something that could possibly happen. And what would happen if you became permanently paralyzed as a para or quadrapalegic? I just can't get over that was the ending of the movie. I teared up during some parts of the movie, but I didn't let out my sobbing cry until the movie was over. It almost looked like he was going to stay alive for her. I thought his "stay with me" was that he would want a marriage but it was "stay with me until I pass away." I'm crying again over just typing it already. It was so sad Travis. It was so awful. I've never had that much of a complete brainstorm over euthanasia, but when his insufferable reality hit and the way he chose to die anyway, I'm just crying and crying. It was so sad. I knew that movie was going to make me cry. I bet if we ever were a serious couple and it happened you might be too attached or unselfish in letting yourself die. You never know until you cross the bridge. You could think differently. Until you experience it, you just don't until you do. I could imagine the pain that he was in, but that was so fearless of him. He was accepted and if he ever felt lonely he really could have found friends who were paralyzed. He could have joined a group whether or not they were born a cripple or if it were accidental. ................ You seem to be around in some ways and maybe you did make a choice to break off and get over me while I get over you. Maybe you are waiting for something, whether it was me watching the movie or not. I don't know what you're waiting for, or if you really are wanting to stay a friend and in touch anyway. I don't like the situation for what it still is. I know I can't trust you enough. I hate the idea of putting up with another man who has dated my enemies too. I still never caught up on Amanda Knox either. I never read her book; I didn't get into all of the details in the media. It looked like another subjective and cut throat insecurity probe that also came with another sick boob obsession. Stacy and Erin won't have that privilege of discussion with me, the sick psychos. ........In the main original route it was intended, I saw the way the character had a share with me anyway and tied me into it anyway. Again, I don't think it is a fair statement for you to make where I'm your unfair one who is your rapist who intentionally sets you up to be my most defenseless. To handicap someone is to be cut throat, make them defenseless in some way or another, having them unfairly played, having them unfairly rigged, or set up in an arbitrage against them, pidgeon-holing, out-numbering. All along the lines of make someone your cripple..... Maybe I somehow could have done something to you if you're in my blindside, but sorry to say you set yourself up to fail with that one when you're the one who makes yourself my wigger. It's not my fault that you would be my criminal from the start. If you are planning to go the same route as David and compete to be my victim with your "Velma" off of Chicago, I really don't understand what your victimization competition would be Travis. You're already married. How does my single stranger make your married stranger my victim? Travis, this really is the last project that I see with you. I don't know if more puzzle pieces or fragments are out there of you, or if there was ever anymore meant to be said, but I'm out. This is the last hurdle I see. If you had anymore to say or wanted me to get; it's up to you to get the communication across.

Taken aback SOME

Jack, I did catch the message you look like Johnny Cash too and I get some of the acknowledgement. ;) A little lost and confused and I'm sorry for the way I can be an ass with you both, Jack and Travis. ... I at least got some of my thoughts and feelings out there. Although I still feel a little led on, (and by you both), I also feel like I could be getting insulted or hated. I'm not sure how much of it is your anger or sincerity speaking. "Ultimate painting" main reference. ... I honestly think you both could be bisexual, but I wouldn't believe either are fully gay, but I could question whether more gay than homosexual... I think the both are more homosexual...If you wanted to go there with my aunt lisa, it isn't a good thing. I know I've been compared to her, and I also know what an ugly, mean, unfair, and subjective woman she was with me. I think a lot of it was mostly her freaking out over me with Bob's crush on me, but freaky Bob did betray me with her. I wouldn't think Bill or Bob are the same. Lisa is mostly known for her rants on "trannys" and I'm still offended to this day with the way it came from her. Maybe you guys are wanting to cheer for me with the way I was pushing Paris back, and I don't like the way she looked like me some either. She is another overly-entitled gross conquestial vain psycho. Anyway, I'm not entirely sure the way you guys mean to come across with me. Jack hated my "morning glory"? I just don't get it... You both could "have the same idea," when it comes to me. .... mmmm uh oh not exactly sure what your precisions are with "we both get what it is." If there were any last words, I'd say I really think that Jack has the most integrity and has already proven and made his point of integrity with the musical pictures he drew. Jack has come on to me other than that, so it's not me just chasing a sign to show. When Travis initially came, he came from David, and I know he was being protective against David for me in some ways after a certain period of time. Although some signs show Travis being compared to Jon and Travis making some of his own mistakes, he tries to break outside of David's mold and be his personal self. .... I don't know where you guys are wanting to go in your own present points. I don't know what you're after or who you want the most. I just don't like the way I felt further pushed to compromise myself with the large unknown with Travis. I know I don't completely trust or know him, and I didn't like the pressure I felt. ... I really don't know much else to say from this point. pushing being pushed, pulling being pulled, and waiting....

Dear Tommy Lee

What are you thinking right now Tommy Lee? What is on your mind? Today is another busy day for me and I don't have a lot of research time. It's taking so long for a certain video I purchased to come in the mail. You might be a little mad at me for the way I underdog Pamela in a different light in the past. It's not she's an entire underdog to me, and I do have apology for making an underdog out of her and a little of you. I do make fun of some abusers, but I see myself more as being mad or mean against their stereotyped name than making fun of them. It's not that I would see myself as having you and her memorized or mastered, and I don't think your Stockholm is about that. I think I'm a tease and a different story in a different time to you. .... There is a time and place for everything. Some lies and sadism is more abusive and of torment than physical abuse. Sometimes, when I get cornered, one of my kills is the "I would rather" game. I can't see myself as insulting you right now. I see the way you could be making the me of me. I don't know how far to take your Stockholm. I don't know what your objectives are, or if there is something you want, whatever it is. Your deadly threat has come down some, but you're probably still here. I have a hard time of making more conversation with you. ... Is Motley Models really derived off of Motley Crue? I was only interested in the most innocent, and I was never aggressive for it or to go that far for it. Nothing personal with you. I wanted to make a little more money but still cling to my own personal limits and whatever limits I can cling to.... I'm still wondering what's on your mind and where life will take us.

As the Sarah Turns: The unknown end

Starting in talk with Travis: I think I'm hearing 2 main things from you. .... Maybe someone wants to play a trickster game, but I have a bigger hunch you want a revenge your way that can only be understood by you. Because I got myself in a little deep in the last blog by asking about your marriage, you want to put it out there a little more and make me feel like an adultress or put ALL OF THE DRAMA on me, like it's all me chasing you. I can't remember the song or the name of the song off the top of my head but it was along the lines of "It's been so long since you've had a feeling of feeling swept off your feet in some way." something along those lines..... I really could call your bluff on that one. I bet you have a lot of gfs. Are you still guilty by association with David? If you take after him in some arbitrage, it isn't a good thing. You could probably have a Hank Moody lifestyle. I really don't know your story Travis. You havn't told me enough of where you come from, where you're going, or how many women you could want to bring with you...... I think you don't like the way I was previously looking at you with your own "Well, well, well what do you have here? Another troubled/defenseless woman who has 'dead meat' written all over her." Your chase and response of your "cruel to be kind" last night really wasn't cruel, but more of a compassionate approach. subject switch: Don't threaten to lie and trash talk my name like that anymore. You do it too much and I'll make your sense of "compassion" my next bullshit and joker. Your "cripple" must have been smacked around too much or too hard to threaten to make me your cut throated "cripple." I don't know what to say to the way you were hanging around in Nashville. It's like you were mad and wanted to be protective at the same time. I think some of you could have been past fragments of you that I just havn't really met. Maybe you were purely made up, but I don't know how the structure works when making you up. You were some fellow hobo or homeless person. I didn't consider myself that homeless when in Nashville. Jr and Jr may eventually be a band that I'll look up. You were in a lot of places. It hurt to have had to hurt you but I had no other choice than to stay focused and still have not completely lost my focus. I'm giving you some time, but can only allow myself so much effort.....Jack. I can't let myself make too much of a wrecked story with Jack and I. He was an oxy moron for a reason. Like I've already said to Jack, I have doubts that I will ever meet the either of you both. While I have made some kinds of relationships out of some of my Don Drapers; I've yet to have met any of them personally. They've always been too high and mighty to have the more natural, tangible, and normal relationship. I've always denied myself a main or serious credit whether or not I'm too hard on myself. Some relationships fade and with David, I'm realizing I need another man around. He takes one look at me being single and has always taken it as something else. I could still be in trouble with him and he may just strangle me in an alley way one of these days, but I need him to seriously go away. I really don't know what lies ahead in the future with either Travis or Jack. I know what my objectives and ideals are. Travis still has either to clarify or agree with mine. Travis wants to keep me. My objectives and ideals stay the same. It's not that I'm not attracted to Jack and it's not that we don't have any sexual chemistry. He already has a mastered win. It isn't that I believe in people taking people for what they're worth either. It's one relationship type to another type of relationship that works or doesn't work. Different things work with different people in both the most general and specific sense. I haven't forgot the "three women" song by Jack. Things are in the air with me. While I mean to be a slave with Jack, I had to give into my heart some. I'm a hypocrite of a player. My objectivess, ideals, and focus stays the same.

As The Sarah Turns: Signs, Sounds, and Hopes

While some people would kill or beg with: "give me a sign, I need a sign," I mostly think: I need more than signs. Sometimes, I have no other choice than to have, use, need, or live off of signs anyway. I don't always know how people discover people, how things come about, how some stories really evolve. I know there is more of a story than I know. I'm a little lost in the sound. I really don't have much left than a rehash with a little more talk, but I am caput. I guess I have to go a little more further into detail with Travis... First off, I'm still wanting it to be over with David. I think I have had enough of him and I just have mostly silence that means to have its own rejection and cruelty. ... Babies babies babies and babies and polygamy. While I won't deny my baby blues and knowing I want another baby; I feel a vulnerable target especially in being an officially single mom. Before I go through my "weed be gone" (feeling a little ashamed); I'll make up Travis in my own hope of idealism with it remaining open-ended. Maybe Travis is going to be going through divorce and is not out to shamelessly spread his seed out of his own fame. (Still a compliment to be picked). ... While there is so much I don't know about Travis, I don't know enough about his married relationship or even his relationship idealism or lifestyle. Maybe I got the polygamy all wrong. Maybe I was wrong to assume that I am being forced into a swinging and polygamist lifestyle with both David and Travis with a few other swingers to eventually meet. David could have had his doubts in his old age in wanting to impregnate me and he personally chose Travis to be the fellow swinger and male surrogate. (it almost seemed like that, and it was very awkward)..... As much as I want a baby and as happy as I am to be a mom, I'm still not in the right literal setting to have another at this moment. Do I want to set myself up to be vulnerable to being taken care of in a swinging open relationship lifestyle? no. Hopes? Besides a serious choice against the lifestyle, I would see Travis as having potential in wanting to be in a relationship with. I don't completely know him; the entire picture is not all there; but there is something there. I'm sorry with the "weed be gone" comment Travis. I know the lifestyle I don't want and don't want you to take it too personal. *hugs* I'm a little lost in the sound who feels she can only be more destined to get more lost. If I have your facts right about polygamy; I feel I can only run and get more lost.

Boss to Boss Establishments

Jack............ Good start/bad start. I know I still find you attractive and I hope to be an attraction of yours... "Lemora," looks like a lose/lose. It's a lose if you're attracted to someone else (even the wrong way) and its a lose if you're attracted to me the wrong way. I'm not entirely sure how to take it. Maybe it is a mild slap with me flipping out over the art piece, but I don't feel I have you puzzled together. I'm still hoping you're not Zack. It is different to be gamed and played by you than it is him. You seem to be 2 different stories and I really hope you are. Is it a slap of some other sort? I'm not liking that you don't like my dislike of your fantasy .... Making further establishment. There is getting to know someone, and knowing you know some things about someone. A man can test for so long until he can test no more. I've dealt with a lot of sadism. While some men can get in deep with it, they sometimes get in deep with their lies and other forms of corruption. I don't know or have all corruption mastered and it is not something I have ever cared to obsess over. When I know the time is right to be a hardcore skeptic; I follow through with my skepticism. It is still a different story to be played with you than Zack, but whether or not you have something to prove with me to other people, I'd be cautious with how much you test me. I feel you do take some of my anger seriously. I've dealt with a lot of sadistic betrayals. I hate the way some men want to take me in being bisexual/lesbian way too far as if I had feelings for another woman. I don't like threesomes. I only want one man who wants to be a one woman type of man. Not just in a serious married relationship, but any relationship, everything is between me and the man alone. Being forced to explain myself to another woman will have the most serious major consequences that come with it. Whether or not we are ever in a relationship; I expect you to respect that and understand I have a serious issue that will not be compromised lest there be serious consequences. While I have been the most turned off and pissed off with bondage games; it is something that only the man can do and get credit for. I'm not afraid to tell a woman that I think she is a rapist for entitling herself to put me in bondage. And I also consider them to be the rapist when they feel it is ok to take a dominate credit and lord over me; credit that I have serious or any emotional lesbian feelings for them, and that only it is THEY who can give ME the credit for whatever word/action/title (being the serious superior judge of that). When it comes to bondage or certain ways of being dominate, I have called men rapists too. Bondage is a very risky and touchy subject. While some men mostly impermissibly get away with it, and other times they sometimes permissibly get away with it; putting me in bondage is still something that should be greatly feared. This is why I get so angry over some arbitrage and exploits. Real crimes and offenses get looked over and treated as if it were nothing. If you give a kid a piece of candy. A large majority of people are too ignorant to understand. Sometimes, I feel I am over corrective with some things. There are a few people who are smart enough to take offense when I call them my Moammar Qadaffi's while others think it is their "right" or "entitlement." The latter is of course the most terrifying. Some people are intentionally and sadistically ignorant against being called a "barbarian." They usually choose the vain route or ignorantly look for another victimizing reason why they feel they should be rightful to conquest me. .... Maybe I ramble too much, but some things should have never been ignored so much or so long. Different intentions, non-intentions, understandings, misunderstanding, and communications.... I wish I didn't have to be so defensive or militant right now, but I notice you're willingness to take me a little seriously and I like to have clear-cut communication. Right now, I mostly take you as being a little testing and gaming. To game or not to game with you Jack, that is the question. I don't mind some safe fun and games.

Seriously, nothing new

Personally David, Urban Dictionary creeps me out and I would believe you would use it as one of your tools to creep me out and attack me in such low ways at times..... Anyhoo, today's entry has some kind of expression to say: Fuck It Mountain- It's after you realized you have taken so much shit from people because you are nice. And every time you do something bs the pile gets bigger and bigger until you have reached the tipping point where you are like fuck this shit I'm out. Then whatever comes your way, you don't care. "Fuck this, I'm pretty sure I'm on fuck it mountain right now. Go ahead, it symbolizes life right now." ....... this can be taken in several different ways. I could guess its a connection with broke back mountain and maybe you do prefer to fuck men over women.... It's still a disturbing thought for me. Your intimacy did matter more at an earlier time. Because lying games and open relationships are acceptable to you; I wish you would have understood more the joke of whatever intimacy your were ever supposed to be..... Living on lies? What relationship? What intimacy? I guess with the way I cliff you off; there will probably be many things I will never know and that could be some of my further point in being so carefree about it. What and how much would knowing things matter after some point? Maybe this is your sign of letting go where its not completely letting go, but you denying your own possessive violence to want to torment me with your Hank Moody role at a later time..... I do take this one as you letting me go and dropping your possessive violence. I'm not really sexually rampant right now. I am in a state of passivity, but who knows the next time when I sleep with someone? I think rather than lead me on the way you did and make marriage suggestions, you should have approached me with your "fuck it mountain" from the start. I would have had more respect for you than you intentionally lying for whatever real reason you would have wanted to keep me around. ..... Maybe if this is how you want to take my present mindset and other men breaking in my head, it could be your own peace of mind that "I don't care." It probably is more of a continuation of your excuse to want to fuck around, but you seriously should have never led me on like that David. If you wanted to still keep me around as an open relationship, it is my same problem worded in a different way meaning the same thing. Like I said, I don't consider myself rampant right now, but whenever I get fucked, then I get fucked.

Dear Harry

While I don't think you're making too much of a serious move on me (and its ok) I know you're still making a move. I want you to know what I really think of you.... While I won't deny my own personal Canadian pride; I would greatly assume you are too good for me and someone I could never see myself having. I apologize if the little whore that I am is a little too lethal for you. I'm not out to hurt you. I saw the Canadian Andrew as an impossible relationship because of the distance, and I wasn't happy about some of his own mean comments and things I didn't completely pick up on. I was somewhat embarrassed. I could never let myself want to be with you. I've bastardized the whole structure of imperialism and I would compare a lot of imperialism to Braveheart's "Scottish Rite." I do believe some in knights in shining armor, but it isn't their lordship I wouldn't take too far. I do appreciate the heroism and rescue. I'm not quite getting the "Mike," thing either. I think you care about me some, but wouldn't think I have much of a real chance with you.......... More gossip about David. I'm not liking whatever his quiet games with me are. I know he hasn't let me go yet. Him letting go of me would mean: He would stop breaking in my head altogether (he still intentionally leaves me confused in the mind). He would also stop being jealous and possessive of me and giving me a possessive death threat. I still feel like a mistreated slave who is treated with a severe unfairness and I have no sense of equality. I'm still in a rage over the women I think he does put first and before me. He seriously has no business in wanting to stay with me at this point if he isn't going to make me his first AND ONLY. He has no common sense in understanding the rape that he has already committed. I'm thinking it was Amal that he was cheating on me with and in a very backstabbing way. Whether it is Paris or Amal; it is not ok for either to call the shots, feel they are the superior judge, or be the one in control of the relationship. It is ok for no woman. I still think Gillian is the most obvious and while she hasn't done anything too personal against me; I still feel date raped by David for her too. And then, there was the death threat with Stacy. I hate the way David thinks he can beat me with his silent karma and not explaining anything to me, or making me understand anything enough. He is cold-blooded with no common sense in wanting me to stay around and stick it out with him. I feel he is a coward more than anything with the way he leaves me hanging. He wants to wait until I "mess up," with him again to try to put it on me. He won't dump me like he means it. He wished he could put the "bad man," on me and there is still no comparison between him and I. I still call myself the victim to his Stockholm and his captive. I was trying to beat his Don Draper off of me, but I can barely say a word to him at all anymore. I can't break through to his dumb pigheaded skull. I think he will keep playing the same dumb game and if he hasn't learned anything by now, than he will never learn. I believe in his enemy and he is an enemy that I don't understand or know where he came from. I wouldn't mind your help in making his Don Draper get it, and if I ran into more Don Drapers along the way, I wouldn't mind your protection or taking a stroll with you........ I hope you have a nice day Harry.

Despite the friendly gesture

Whoever "Alyssa Bailey" is. reference site: http://www.msn.com/en-us/lifestyle/parenting/the-10-best-things-about-being-close-with-your-dad/ar-BBtKI8f?li=BBnb7Kz Is it that we have the most random people wanting to touch us or interrogate our brains, or is any of the suggestiveness on you? If it was from you; I think it is a friendly gesture in its own right. I could be appreciative of and think that it would be nice of you to want to father my daughter. It really must have been some random crackhead wanting to threaten and fuck with me in the dark with "Sex with Lucia"...... However, I'm not done with my whole "mood kill." There are a lot of things I don't trust about you in the worst way. I wasn't liking the David Cameron sign condoning "division." My mind has been made up with who my enemies are. You're still way too dumb to understand the betraying message you are, a recent betrayal in the head, and the other betrayals you've made in general. I'm not happy at all with the way Stacy stalks me to my face or that there is someone else out there who won't stop fucking with me with Stacy. Some people are such dumb crackheaded and piggish control freaks to keep testing me or thinking that they have anything to prove. Being given a high suspicion that you're not done with hitting me back and wanting to keep me betrayed and raped over her in the worst ways, I'd want to take a bazooka and blast a hole through your body for your continued sick nerve. Gillian really is the main one to be most assumptive of, but you have seemed to be such a male ho with several women. I don't trust you one bit. I'm still not through with being angry over the humiliation of you wanting me to get a boob job. After going through so much with you, I seriously don't know why you ever wanted me to begin with. You seem to be a dime a dozen sadistic and barbaric man pig who had no business in wanting to go for me to begin with. ......despite the friendly gesture......

Turret's attacker

I hate you for not owning up to yourself and you wanting to make me feel like I am to blame. Your dumb for having your "planned attacks" (I didn't read the article on that either). You're the reason for your cycle and your problems. DID YOU REALLY THINK I WAS GOING TO KEEP PUTTING UP WITH YOUR JUGGARNAUT ABUSE? DID YOU REALLY THINK I WAS GOING TO LAY MY LIFE DOWN FOR YOUR JUGGARNAUT AND JUST SACRIFICE MYSELF FOR YOUR PSYCHO BASTARD PIG ASS? I know you'll probably plan another attack after Denzel, BUT WHAT THE FUCK AM I TO DO WITH THE MORON YOU ARE AND THE WAY YOU ALWAYS REPEAT YOUR SAME COLD BLOODED PIGGISH PATTERN? I hate your guts for the times you become such a cold blooded pig with me. Whatever you're freaking out over and lose your cool over DON'T YOU DARE EXPECT ME TO SUCK IT OR TAKE IT OR BE AT YOUR MERCY WHEN I DON'T HAVE A FUCKING CLUE AND THERE IS NOTHING FAIR ABOUT YOU. Do you really mean it when you say you really do love me and don't mean your cold blooded comments? Why do you keep repeating some of your same patterns? I STILL DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK YOU'RE GETTING AT WITH ANYTHING AND IT IS SO COLD TO KEEP ME PLAYED WITH GILLIAN. I HAVE BEEN PAST THE POINT OF BEING PLAYED AND FINISHED WITH YOUR GAMES YET YOU STILL WANT TO KEEP FORCING ME TO BE SOMETHING WITH YOU. You're a bunch of clutter and don't have anything clear AND I KNOW I'M NOT GIVING INTO ANY OF YOUR GAMES AND GAMING. ............... Right now, it looks like John Atchison is being made to blame with keeping me "buried alive in dirt" over a different Sam, but the pieces of the puzzle aren't obvious enough. He is such a sick minded idiot who continues to refuse to take a hint in the worst way and keeps giving himself any and every credit. He LIES TO MY FACE ABOUT HOW MUCH "I'M INTO HIM" IN THE MOST INSANE HATEFULLY PROVOKING WAY. And of course John's childish sadist is always going to be running around somewhere, hateful stalker who has no point. DO YOU SERIOUSLY MEAN TO POISON ME WITH YOU IDENTIFYING YOURSELF AS SAM AND GIVING YOURSELF THE CREDIT TO SOME OF THE HARASSING COMMENTS HE MAKES? One minute you don't say you mean anything, the next you intentionally want to come across as wanting to murder or rape me for Stacy or Paris? You're only going to keep forcing me into Denzel more. Then you want to make love and not war the next minute, and then it is another Turret's attack from you WHERE YOU COULD ALWAYS WANT REVENGE OVER ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING. You don't know how TO DROP THINGS. You make things worse and don't even mean it when you want to be agreeable with "make love not war." You're a turret gamer who is too cold blooded and insensitive. I have no other choice than to keep making a dumb no common sense man out of you with your retarded nerve. I'm sorry if you really do have Turret's syndrome and I shouldn't make fun of you for a disease you can't control.

I'm done with you and your games.

I don't care to lose you entirely anymore and it was so sick and mean to put me in the worst blackmailing position in you being the "hero" in saving me from my father. You're no hero, you're a sick mean man who just wants to rub in the terrible circumstances in my life. It is Stacy that I'm most suspicious that you are cheating on me with and raping me for. It's like you want to own up to Ike Turner and say "Yes I am here to rape you in the worst way," but I just can't get it out of you. You're a vain fool to think I would ever compromise myself for the sake of Stacy, Bree Ann, Erin, and other women I have been raped and enslaved for. You're a vain fool to refuse to recognize my most serious hate and not take me seriously. You're such a fool to think I would ever compromise myself and you're such a sadist to not take me seriously. I'm not afraid to lose you. I am afraid to sleep with someone else and cheat on you and can only wait until I feel you've let go of me. The story changes all of the time with you being a predator out to get me, to just being a plain fool. I know you have been sweet talking me lately and coming on to me lately, yet you still have your most unnerving and psychotic terrorizing cheating games to play in the background. It would be sick of someone to just test me like that. You're not being loud enough in the bedroom with Stacy or your other number of women. I feel like I'm one of your main women with Gillian and although I don't have anything against Gillian, I still consider it as cheating and you playing me. You're your own fool and out of your mind in being the Ike Turner. I havn't slept with anyone for a long time and if you are intentionally trying to lose me, you're not being fair enough with your jealousy and violent possessiveness. You've recently come onto me and you're not anywhere near being an Ike Turner to my face with "Yes I'm here to rape you in the worst way." You're your own fool who plays yourself. I'm too afraid to sleep with someone else right now because I am convinced of your possessive violence. You're a mean man who seems to not explain anything to yourself or are close to making me get you for who you are.

Self-Shaming Romance

You've left a pretty bad impression on me and have been keeping me played. ... I see some signs and come on's and while I have to admit to myself that I am wooed into you in some ways, I can't completely say that I'm a sold woman to you. I still have that one foot on the ground and while both can be up in the air in another very figurative way that has yet to literally happen, I still have one foot on the ground. I'm not understanding the whole ebay hack. Dane looks like he could be coming on to me and he has a seriously bad history with me and I know I don't want him back. Do you want to reach out and grab me too? Mind catch phrase movies: Ray Charles, So I married an Axe Murderer (you as the axe murderer). While you could be wooing me, I havn't forgot about your shadiness. I need love but I don't need another terribly reckless terribly foolish, stressful, and heart wrenching relationship. While I could want to be held, my head is filled with too much doubt, your past cheating heartbreaks and hateful and mean actions and words. and if I get too romantic or believe in you enough I'm going to hurt myself in being your fool. Maybe you are standing up to Bree Ann for her dominate gossip and judgement and the way the media makes it look like she pushed herself on you, but there is still some shadiness there despite your bad signs against her. You give her a begging opportunity in your own way. Whether or not she wins with you, she's always been the type in giving herself too much credit and the fact that she has to be more aggressive, desperate, or begging in some ways means nothing. The humiliation appeared a little different in "Wolf of Wall Street," but her stories of humiliation are not the same as mine and it isn't that I let her beat me in a popularity contest either or that I would willingly give in to making a popularity contest in our different situations. I know I'm more different and she has always been desperate in her comparisons and demands of my conformity. I've really intended to keep her ignored and starved the whole time and still will never plan on befriending her in this lifetime. .... Back to you and me. You have my acknowledgement, I feel wooed and I let you in on me a little more, but I'm already jaded in the romance. While I could keep myself referred to as your "slave," you won't ever get the better of me for the Stockholm that it is. So many terrible desperate shot calls and judgement I've had to live through, through the years. Some people really should have been paying more attention to what some of their terrible judgement was trying to say. Maybe you have your own thing against judgement and see me as your terrible judge but that's what you get for being a shady player the way you do. Kill or be killed. ahaha ha. I hope you put your axe and red away but you don't always make it easy for me not to make you mad. You have such a shady anger it is sometimes hard to believe that my "Georgia" makes you so mad. Maybe you lie on purpose to want to damage me more. I choose to be the confident and insecure bitch. It's your fault.

KEEP WONDERING

You wonder why I shut you out and refuse to even look at you for days.... IT IS NOT SAFE FOR YOU TO FLIRT WITH IGGY! OR GINGER! Like I didn't pick up on you still with Gillian and your ex wife. FYI Iggy recently did get a boob job AND YOUR FLIRTATIOUS SUGGESTIONS DON'T HELP OUT ANYTHING. YOU STILL DODGED THAT KRISTN BELL INCIDENT. THAT MOVE AND ANOTHER MOVE FROM RUSSIA WAS A SEVERELY BETRAYING AND HUMILIATING WHITE TRASH MOVE. YOU ALSO MADE ANOTHER COWARDLY MOVE WITH MATT WITH THE WAY YOU AVOIDED IT. AS IF I DESERVE THAT MUCH SEXUAL HARASSMENT AND IT IS THAT COMPARITIVELY THE SAME STORY. I WAS NEVER THAT GUILTY. While you don't deny some of your sexual pounces with me, SEX DOESN'T ALWAYS RESOLVE MY ISSUES. IT DOESN'T SHUT ME UP ENOUGH. YOU'VE DONE NOTHING BUT GIVE ME SO MANY REASONS TO BE MORE THAN SUSPICIOUS OF YOU AND YOU WANT TO POUNCE ME AND CONTINUE TO REFUSE TO UNDERSTAND WHAT YOUR PLAYER ACTIONS ARE. YOU MAKE IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR ME TO LET YOU WIN AND ALTHOUGH I'M NOT MAKING PLANS TO SEE ANYONE AND AM NOT EVEN MOTIVATED TO MEET ANOTHER MAN, IT IS STILL UNFAIR THAT YOU GET JEALOUS AND POSSESSIVE WHEN YOU DON'T MEAN TO COMMIT AND KEEP ME PLAYED. I AM AN EMOTIONAL PERSON.

Hi David

I wish I knew that I knew more things about you. I wish I knew what to believe. It is hard to keep the ball rolling and things going when I just don't know... I'm sorry for the way I was bullying you awhile back on flirt for free. When things were looking ugly and when I was feeling ganged up on and betrayed again, that was my own natural reaction. I'm sorry if I really did hurt you. I still feel like I'm in the dark in some ways and that there are a lot of gaps and things that don't make sense. While I believe you seriously are attracted to me; I feel I have no other choice to question if someone is paying you to keep me seduced? Was the media on msn yesterday really a message how much you do value my sex, or are you a prostitute? Did something not clearly come out the right way? It is a dangerous position for me to not know how to take that. I must have some serious popularity with some celebrity men to have ongoing attractions and keep getting in some stockholms. I can believe in my personal popularity to my own extent, but if I were to reevaluate everything to get real with myself I'm not sure what there really is to believe about you. I would of course feel insulted and hurt if you were a prostitute, but I can only play cool right now. Maybe I did set you off with the way I was talking the other day in feeling defenseless and that I should pay for an escort in my most extreme imagination.... I don't know David. I would have a hard time believing that some of your other women are not entirely out of the picture. Do you really put me first and before any of them? Of course being put first and just that is not enough; I seriously don't want to be cheated on with any of them. ... In the stripping workplace, I feel a little taken aback by myself. I'm more careful with talk and play, but I seriously don't want to or plan on limiting myself to just women because it could be the safest for you. It isn't that I take myself seriously with any customers really, but I understand there are different limits and boundaries in going too far and I understand some of your jealousy and give in to some of your possessiveness. I don't know what you entirely think of my job as a stripper. I couldn't see myself doing this any more than a year. I have been doing a lot of brain storming with where or how I want to jump to my next job step, but everything is up in the air with whatever direction I'm going to go. The money I make as a dancer is decent and helps me out in the present and getting ready for whatever is next. .... I still have more homework to do of yours and am unsettled in just how comfortable I want to make myself in being here with you in my own way. until then... ~ hugs ~ and xoxo

What if? Game

My main point with anything right now is: The way EVERYTHING looks. Sometimes talk is talk, but what really matters to me the most is the way that everything looks and it is definitely not looking pretty. I really didn't want to go there with talking about what your dick size could be. I am a serious Canadian that doesn't believe in karma. I hate the way some people fight and some of the fights that they fight over. When I know there is a fight that I would never fight over, I am extremely hesitant to put myself into a fight. There are some ways that I have such a serious pride where it matters to me to protect my own rep that I'm too good to fight over some certain things. Sometimes I get impatient and can't handle the weight that people would put on me. I try to avoid breaking to fight at all costs. There is outdated information that can be used against me that will probably be bickered over. I'd be upset if someone did want to go tooth and nail with it. I wish there was another subject that I could explain my Canadian pride over. I think besides this, you do overlook my Canadian outlook and probably would assume a worst assumption of me in some of your cheating games. I know it is a reason some men or people would assume I'm a lesbian when it really is a Canadian they are looking at. Most egotistical men will never want to admit that and never want to admit the way they were in the wrong. I have been such an insufferable victim through the years because of the way some men have never been strong enough to either accept the way I think or come out of their one-sidedness. It's like you or some other evil person wants to keep me around to purposely cheat on me just so they can say they had their way in an open relationship with the most sincere sadism. I know I've gotten a little off subject, but I really felt the need to stress over some of my own sufferages. I really am upset at whatever arbitraged assumptions could be out there and the way I could be perceived as the bad man in a worst extreme way. Besides knowing how seriously attracted I am to you, the games you play and the player you are is a turn off. You've created too many blocks for me to want to make more effort in having a relationship with you. If you hadn't messed up with me and you did have a small size, I seriously wouldn't care. I know I care about you and am already very attracted to you that I would never run off from you if you did have a small size. What if it were large? Well then, I most likely am screwed because of you having a dominant prejudice that I can't do anything about. I know my boss at the casino had a very terrible and severe prejudice and it was so ugly. I wish I could have this private conversation with you, but when we never had any private conversations or normal interactions and conversations, I can only just keep rolling with it the same way. If I put you on the spot or humiliate you, the unfairness of it all is your own fault and the unsafe games you play.

Thoughts that most likely lead to nowhere but aren't unthought

Issues of cheating........... In regards to relationships, what is in a person's relational and sexual history? What is made to be made out of it? This blog is for those who actually care about and value their relationships..... Could a person be considered to be too obsessed to have to thoroughly know the history? How far do some limits go with some people in how much a history should matter? ..... What really matters the most is the choice actions in a present relationship, I would say. How much good would it do to find out about the history or be left to have some wonder in mystery? Sometimes, it seems there is more of a chance in mystery. There are less barriers and bondages in the way to be more free in the relationship. Sometimes, it is what a person does know that keeps the barriers and bondages up. Some people do cheat themselves out and intentionally cheat themselves out and it will never matter the things that they will never know. When a person does understand the consequences of a fool; there is a better understanding in the timing a person cheats their self out of the things they will never know. It depends on how safe or reckless a person is. Maybe a person could convince the other that they could take their words seriously at face value. Then, there are really times a person will never know...... It is also important for a person to not be naïve. They sometimes either ruin their own sexual reputation in being too arrogant, or they are a danger to their self to give their self too much hope. But how about the devil's advocate where a person's jealousy and insecurity can ruin it too? It depends on how far a person's violence can go. Sometimes, a jealous person doesn't always understand the more vulnerable person they make of their self when some people would want to consume and take advantage of their jealousy. ..... How could some people ever want to be a juvenile and ruin the better game of love by being too much of a Tom Fool jokester? ........ Some people have certain strengths and weaknesses. As much as I can either get lied about, picked on, and/or considered too "easy," I strongly believe in SELF CONTROL. When a person does make a choice to be in a relationship or commitment, the term of self control has always been a most seriously existent term. I still don't understand the purpose of elopement. Some wealthy or famous or even unwealthy and unfamous could do it for their own survival or fan base (dead giveaways for the fan base). I hear that Elvis was an eloper and had a couple of elopements. Johnny Cash proposed to his Junebug in front of their entire audience in a concert and proposed after that, audience or no audience. There is such a serious stress in elopement. If the woman is left alone too much, how could she know he isn't a polygamous eloper? Or, even if she wasn't the one who was left alone and waiting??? There is still a polygamous wonder......... Who were some men ever trying to kid when they wanted to force a woman in a relationship if the woman knew she was never going to come first? It's so sadistic to have any expectation to make a woman stay. To some cold-blooded heartless prostitutes, it wouldn't matter. However, when it is a man that the woman knows she loves, she could only be bound to fall out of love with him either in a snap of a finger or her own time. Some men have just never understood what was in their cold blooded selfish piggishness and the way they do lose their attraction. This is in my own personal thoughts and opinions anyway. .... How much does history matter? How much can a person be convinced that they are the one and only and especially the number one and put first? History or no history, Information or no information? What truth is there in the present?

Turmoil

grey black grey and cat fights.........How serious of a sadist are you? Is it really that you are forcing me into the Frieda corner to demand your loyalty and live through the rest of that story? You're so terrible. I guess I would have to say that I demand your loyalty, but it was never that I would ever see myself so extreme like that. When an enemy becomes and enemy, it is the enemy that he or she is. What I wanted to hear: "It was dumb for some people to have kept testing, stalking, and judging you the way they were. It was dumb for people to have put their lies and agenda tribulations on your tab. It was dumb of me to threaten you with my own nigger games, foolishness, and lies where I wanted to put my joke on you and make my lies your problem. I should have never tested or questioned you with some of the same women, or repeated some of the same tests on other whatever women. I should have taken you more seriously and how you see and feel against certain people. Instead of forcing you into the Frieda corner, I should have understood the disturbed and fragile woman you are and how much of a terrible strategy that was. It was dumb to retaliate with your same cheating game and that you had every reason to run being the disturbed, and distraught victim in too much turmoil already." Don't I wish for my own perfect man. I'm still very restless and have felt very restless during most of the time in being with you. I think I see a different sign with you and I really do not want to go there with you. I seriously hate Stacy and Jim and do not want to have any involvement or include or even compare myself with them or their relationship. This is another reason why I am highly suspicious and threatened of you being a seriously severe enemy whose agenda I can't recognize or understand. ..... Just for my own record: actions are everything. I know I get emotional but there is a difference in being emotional and acting on my emotions. I feel too trapped by you right now to not talk to you and try to make you get me. Maybe you do have your own socialist cancer and it is the reason that I just can't get you. Maybe you're mad at the things I could believe or not know whether or not to believe. I feel too restless and in too much turmoil.

As The Sarah Turns

What is going on with me? While I am appreciative of a recent help from David, I continue to go in the direction of wanting the rest of the relationship to die. If push came to shove with David and he seriously still had to have me that bad and keep my life threatened to give into him, I would find a way to give into him. (It'd be death to give in to him anyway with him having his disease and all). It was my own emotions and stupidity to keep wanting to be in a friendship/relationship with him, and I didn't mean to lead him on so much during what some heats of the moment were. He isn't being cautious with me at all or else I wouldn't be so flamboyant in writing about it in this blog...... I have a new crush and I feel both rejected and pursued by him. I think he is having a hard time in making his mind up and I hope he makes his mind up more firmly soon. I'm the type that just has to be put out of my misery... While I presently won't change what some of my work life's are, it's just a job for me and it really doesn't mean a lot of anything when it comes to being serious with someone through my job. I am making the choice to put my booty calls on hold for now because I will wait for my new crush a little longer. ....... I'm not extremely serious with anyone right now. I don't know what life will be like a month from now in the relationship dept.

Indiscrete discretion

Or is it the other way around? Ethics ethics ethics.......... (I should probably give another obvious gesture with who I'm looking at...hmm...if it weren't for him, me and other people would have problems with being able to look and have sight. )... With some men, ethics are out the door. With some other men, the thought of ethics has never crossed their minds and are so full of their Don Drapers, that they are another Dave Letterman waiting to happen. Something along those lines. And, there really are men that exist where ethics DO MATTER..... A certain someone is quite testy and I can't help but take the ball gag off and be a little testy myself. How much does he believe in ethics OR how much of a videogame or jousting game does he want to make it? How much am I his own personal Jesus? Is he a jouster or a Jesus? I will be Jesus enough to say that it would hurt my feelings if he was intentionally playing a game to only put a fool on me. merci~ I guessed that he could only be making me be guessing, but I have no other choice to guess he has more of an intent to make me just guess. He has an open window of time with my patience. It isn't too extreme of a now or never. I just may not be as available or -available- in the future......