Ben Ben Ben Ben Benly Ben Ben Ben

lol. I'm not necessarily calling you Charlie but I thought it had a catchy ring. Where do I begin with you Ben? I've never blogged to you before or had much of a real conversation with you. There have been ways where you seem to have been there for me in some specific instances. I know you are around me every so often and from time to time. If there has been an impression that you have left on me; it is a friendly one. I see you as a friend that I have a crush on. While YOU may not have the worst sense of reason, I'd say anyway that the friendship I have with you isn't what I think "friendships" mean in general terms. Some people are always going to take me in the worst way no matter what I say. Anyway, I appreciate your friendship. I know you have a thing for me too. I'm not sure why you come around during some of the times you do. (My recent ob/gyn visit wasn't me really trying to knock on your door.) ha. Being literal and not figurative. Anyway, I know you are married. Besides of that main factor; I do have a few other reasons that I'm afraid to get any closer to you. Some of my fear is the probable drama or losing the friendship we do have. I know I have not completely followed you or kept up with you. I am suspicious of you with Erin. With other things I may not know about you, I understand it would be somewhat unfair to use betrayals against you if you have ever betrayed me at all. We never had a start or much of anything official. On your end, I'm guessing that some of your backroom cracked codes mean that you are warning me not to be shady with you when it comes to me being "there" or "not there." Although I've had my own mean intentional pranksters who would try to frame me for rape, I am not that person that would do that to you, Ben. I could call myself a little shady. I'm not making any promises. I'm not saying you completely have me or that I am choosing to be kept by you. You know I have a thing for you and appreciate your friendship but I have no idea where anything is to go from here or what is to come of anything....... Oh yes, and congrats on your win today (I had to remember to include that somewhere.) Sorry I wasn't able to watch any of it. I don't know why I don't have that channel...... I really can't think of much else to say for now, but I hope you have Happy Holidays. smiles and hugs

High in the Himalayas

The fear factor. ....... If you are pure evil and live in corruption, the most you could seem to boil down to is Fred Durst's "I did it all for the nookie." lol. When you led me on and gave me some kind of belief that you were serious about me, or even would go the whole 9 yards in wanting to marry me, what's a girl to do? .... Am I really your type of woman? Do you see me as your ideal fit? Or, are you intentionally being a desperate liar to have wanted to do it all for the nookie? I see a good number of cheats you have, and I'm sure you've noticed my straying. It seems once cheating has started, it never ends, and the relationship can only be ruined more. It depresses me. In my start, I had a better will to live to love and just not care about what other people think. Through the years, I have been forced to live in fear against: structured supremacies; the thought of people thinking they can take a person for what they are worth; the terrible assumptions and the math of other's "if then but" statements. I'm not sure what it means to you when you recognize the fear factor you are to me. I hate Jon Stewart's, John Atchison's, and David Cameron's lurkers. (I have mostly identified David Cameron as both Jon and John. But I hate the thought of him being a structured symbol who never gives up on wanting to go for more land.) It is so morbid for any of them or you to never want to give up on polygamy or your own structured supremacies. I know John Atchison believes in structured supremacy most of all. I am disgusted with John that he would throw himself on you to prove "his confidence." Whatever it is he wants to prove has always been too sick and morbid. He's such a sore loser. I have always believed in liberty, independence, and people being rightful to be whatever it is they want to be without being forced to be controlled or conformed to another. The Imagine Dragon's song of "It's Time," disgusted me so much that I cried when his piggish behavior put the Nazi on me. Men like him make me kill that much harder that I will never have a thing to prove to anyone. Men like him who express dominance over my life are the reason that everything turns to shit. Some people have never stopped being such a sick psycho in demanding to touch me, control me, express dominance over my life, or obsess over calling the shots. While you may feel you could be more vulnerable to me, DON'T FORGET HOW VULNERABLE I FEEL TO YOU AND THE FEAR FACTOR YOU ARE. I've known how people make their same sick terrible mistakes of their assumptions too much. The marks of their totalitarianism have already marked my history and have been tried and true more than enough. IT IS THE TRUTHFUL REALITY. huff~ all that being said, I am not the type who believes in open marriages or being a swinger. Sometimes, I don't always know how much of a truth things are. Are people sabotaging us? Are you a never ending serious threat staring me in the face that I have no other choice than to be with you in a despairing open marriage? I know there are times I can't explain myself or sex drive. Just because I don't always have the strongest self control with you doesn't mean I am ok with threesomes and especially when you would want to suggest certain women. I can understand if you have feelings of jealousy and possessiveness but I won't if you have an unfair double standard. It isn't even that I don't want to have a never ending cheating relationship. When I have been forced to live in fear against a structured supremacy, I've always been left with no other choice. I know I havn't made it too far with another man. I do know I am being more sightful and flirty. Speaking of availability, it isn't even that you are always available or I can be with you or talk about things whenever I want. You better not call what we have right now as a marriage BECAUSE THIS DEFINITION OF A MARRIAGE IS A MARRIAGE THAT I WOULD NEVER ACCEPT OR SETTLE FOR. IF this is what you call marriage :( pft. I'd always be prone to cheat if this is the permanent plateau and you're not even going to be available or literally in my life. That probably was the mean gropes of another. Staying mostly untouchable with that one.... Oh David, I like the nice man you seem to be. You seem to be the quiet type who does have words of kindness or love that you may not know how to say, express, or make me completely understand. I know I have a real attraction to you. This is my terms of waiting us out. I am not seeking to be a swinger or in an open relationship or marriage. I'm mad and jealous at the cheater you are. I'm especially mad if you have an always affair going on with Kathy. I hate that bitch. You have got to understand the fear factor you are in being a structured supremacist. I know I can't see everything. I still see myself in the mountains who can only keep waiting to decide where to go or what to do. Snow leapord high in the Himalayas. High in the Himalayas.

I really don't think

Whatever the arbitrage is made of, I'm not liking the look of it. MY BEST GUESS WHY YOU ARE HERE IS BECAUSE PEOPLE WANT WHAT THEY CAN'T HAVE. I WOULDN'T BE AUTUMN'S OR BREE ANN'S LESBIAN OR IN A THREESOME IF MY LIFE DEPENDED ON IT. I WILL NEVER AGAIN BE WILLING WITH JON. Maybe you are out to get Jon back by killing him with his own lies and game YET YOU TEST ME WAY TOO MUCH. I was going to gently give up on you and take my own hint and walk away but I can't BECAUSE OF THE TOTALITARIAN RAPE THAT ALWAYS WAS. Besides Gillian looking like she would want to be in a serious relationship, you seem you could be very into her too. You guys look very inevitable. It isn't just her celebrity either. You obviously do have a very high sexual reputation and status and I wouldn't doubt you have countless numbers of women who want you bad. I think of any of your actions presently, you are wanting to keep me played with the rest, but you would probably be the same type of the past men I have been involved with. WHATEVER CURSE I HAVE ON ME I CAN'T STAND ANYMORE. I ALWAYS GET THE MOST IMPOSSIBLE ONES WHERE I CAN NEVER MAKE ANY REALITY OF A SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP OR EVER BELIEVE I'M SERIOUSLY LOVED AND COMMITTED TO ENOUGH. THEY WILL ALWAYS BE THE BIGGEST LADIES MEN. BECAUSE OF THAT HISTORY IT IS PART OF BEING CURSED BUT I DON'T KNOW WHY I AM! I just want to kick things around because I can never win. You looked like you were very annoyed over Bree, and I really don't like the idea of you EVEN COMPARING US. YOU FURTHER CHOSE TO TEST ME THAT YOU ARE HER DOG AND I SHOT YOU ON THE SPOT THAT YOU DID TURN TO SHIT. IGNORANT FUCKER. I CAN'T STAND THE ROLLER COASTER GAMES ANYMORE. I CAN'T STAND THE WAY IT NEVER SEEMS TO END. WHEN YOU KNOW I CARE AND THE COUNTLESS TIMES I'VE ALREADY SAID AND SHOWN I CARE, YOU SEEM TO WANT ME BACK. YOU LIKE ME FOR THROWING A FIT FOR YOU. YET, YOU TEST OR CHEAT ANYWAY AT ANOTHER TIME. YOU WANT TO SHUT ME UP BUT YOU JUST CAN'T AND I HATE THE ROLLER COASTER AND THE WAY THE GAMES DON'T END.

Trying to wait for you to make the next move

David, Right now, I feel like I'm on the more aggressive end and feel uncomfortable with how much more I keep throwing myself on you and keep more of a conversation going. I sometimes have an unpredictable way to roll with things, and this is just how I choose to roll right now. .... I'm pretty mad. It is like I've always been my own celebrity that never was and have to deal with the worst of the celebrity treatment: Too many people fighting to control me, express dominance, or want to express a further dominance over my life. I feel obsessed over and like a "Mecca" sometimes. I hate the times when I feel dominantly or grossly groped by things I know I can't see. I hate the way some people seem to be so desperate in wanting to get me killed or constantly at the butt end of things. My self worth will always be the most violently hated because of the ways I won't be easy "give it up" or "put out". I hate the mean control some people want to have over me and never seem to give up on wanting the worst control. Whether or not I am your victim; I hate the way I would be forced to be that much more vulnerable and violently manipulated to control. Mecca Mecca Mecca "This is the thanks other people get for wanting to 'protect,' me." Too many people wouldn't know how to protect me if they tried. In my book of rules, WHEN PEOPLE LIE, THE LIE IS ON THEM. There are too many things that too many people want to make me the victim of................ I know I don't want to stop swimming in the deep end with you. Some men probably are jealous because some are at least smart enough to know just how over protective of myself I am when swimming in the deep end and that there are very few who I would willingly let swim in the deep end with me. It is like I have fought against being a virgin sex object and when I run into some of my ends I can't beat a fascist virgin win out of me, (if I can word that the right way). I'm not necessarily accusing you of being that much of an intentional predator and know how normal it is for most men. In another light, it isn't that I'm a virgin to you at all. I think it is a little funny that I'm being picked on with "Daisy." (Star Wars/ Californication) I know it isn't my truth. Too many people had too many different things on my name. Cancer. I know I haven't completely discovered you yet or how much of a history you could have with me. I know I'm afraid to know some things about you. Are you out to have some argumentative dispute over how sexual you think I am? Are you the self righteous type who has your own judgmental agenda? You really don't seem to mind getting dirty with me. Are you fighting off your sex addiction where I'm really nothing special to you? I know I don't want to JUST BE treated like a piece of meat, but I don't understand why being held back should be something to obsess over? ...... I really don't know what to say or where to go from here, but I am waiting for you to be the one who makes the next move.

Random Thoughts

What a tough past couple of months. It has been very stressful in the dancing world and night life. I am mostly settled at my most recent club and don't think I will be facing anymore hardships. Obsessions was closed, I had tried another, and then another club, and am mostly satisfied at the club I'm at. Business can still be unpredictable but I hope that it picks up more sooner............ I have also mostly finished my craft shows. I definitely had better luck last year than this year. I may do one more by the time the winter/fall season is up. Most shows I go to, it is required that the vendors create their own stuff. There was one vendor that did have some handmade winter accessories, but other accessories were tagged and appeared to be machine made. My little Mexico: they took my job and sold very cheap. They didn't entirely take my job. I still had made some sales. Their hats and scarves were half of my price. I was pretty upset about it. I was also surprised that their weren't many other vendors selling winter accessories. I saw one main other where I was more relieved than taken aback. Besides making their own stuff, they made their own yarn and even had more than the regular winter accessories with sweaters and cardigans. Their sweaters and cardigans were all over $100.00 too. Some of their hats and scarves were around the same price or even higher priced than what I had mine. I was glad that the other vendor understood the value of handcrafted items. Sometimes, I think I should charge more because of the time that it takes to make an item. If my hobby were strictly a job, I'd be more hyper stressed about it, but I've always kept it as a hobby. Most of the vendors were jewelry, candles, or soap at this particular festival with several other random crafters. I was glad to see the expensiveness of the handmade jewelry too. Most vendors do have their stuff reasonably priced for sale.............. Man drama. Do I want to talk about that here? Why not. Everything is up in the air with me. I'm still stuck on David, but won't ever know when I will find the relief of not being in a roller coaster relationship or love affair. I'll just say I know I'm infatuated and have the hots for him, but I'm not sure where any of it will go. On the saddle off the saddle and lost again. ha. I try not to stay too stressed out but when I know something or have my mind set, I just do. Right now, I don't. I'm up in the air with David as my main man that I want the most right now. I have several people I have some interest in, but am not strongly stuck on anyone. There is so much going on and there may come a day where I give into an online dating site, but until I feel better established to be more serious about having a serious man, I keep living every day life until I'm either hit by a strong love or have a more aggressive approach in trying to find a man. I'm not looking and really haven't looked for someone in a long time. I just haven't had the time and am focused on so many different things going on right now. Until then, living my days to the best and living to reduce the stress.

Hi David

Or, Dick Tracy.... hhahaha no, you don't seem to be too sincere of interrogation. Curious and in wonder about me.... smiles. Could be bad though if you mean to hand me off. I'm going to annoy you and be literal first: I think the singer isn't too bad. He has a good musical and mood vibe in his music. Seems like a man's man where a random man listening would be getting himself prepped and pepped in the mirror while he gets ready. lol..... figuratively.... Because YOU want to go there. I really don't think I would want to seek any kind of relationship or (looking down) sexual relationship with Ian. I won't deny I think he has a sexual attractiveness to him, but I really don't think he and I would ever work or that he is my type at all. ...... Are you really that suspicious when I take the short cut route to the dance class? I guess I'll have to take the long way and be even more avoidant because of you and the fact I am talking about him. awe, is this the "Every breathe you take?" It would be mean if you were meaning to pimp me. You had a nice way of getting in my head last night too. There is something there where I will always question if my mind (or someone else in my mind) is playing tricks on me. David, I am being serious about being physical, in the flesh, person to person. I know I have yet to watch "Aquarius." I know it isn't that I'm person to person serious with anyone else right now, so why not? I just can't stand those very distant types of relationships anymore. I want and need to want and need a man in my life who is actually going to be there, physically, person to person. I don't know how you noticed me or why you want to keep me around the way you do. It means something to me to an extent, but I just get so fed up with the system and structure of it all that I lose interest in time. I'll be getting Aquarius soon. I know I'm looking at you and not Sam.

David

It isn't always easy being vulnerable with someone, especially when it isn't a private and personal conversation. I know I have more than enough predators and enemies who watch me and would go through any distance to manipulate, black mail, or want suffocatingly control me that much harder. I know Sam's violent and vain psycho is still out there running around. There are many times I have wanted a private conversation with someone, but I can't always have it my way. Anyhoo, I have already been let down by a lot of Don Drapers. Not all Don Drapers want me to leave them. I can tolerate a Don Draper for so long until I have to try to do whatever I can to beat him off of me. Most Don Drapers have never wanted to understand the slave they were wanting to make out of me. They were never going to understand just how unfair their expectations were knowing they were always going to be too prejudiced, snobby, and honestly rejecting. It's just not fair for a Don Draper to expect a woman to stick around knowing he will never fully accept her or make her feel like she is more than loved enough. Right now, I don't mean to come across as TOO MUCH of a manipulator. I've just been around the block a few times and know the way things typically go. I don't know why I have continued to attract the famous and the wealthy. I just simply do sometimes, and sometimes it upsets me when they do because I know how impossible they are and how much of a demand and center of attention they are. You had your own way of making your own reference in your 4th show about taking a woman's baby making years away..... I think it would be too judgmental to make you feel the wrath of your own comment. You havn't killed me too much yet over the wealth I don't have, and besides me seeing some other signs, I felt left guessing more than anything. Are you really serious about me or want to marry me? I'm really not sold into believing that about you. Unless you step outside the typical structure of the Don Drapers, really throw yourself on me and having demanding expectations of faithfulness (I'm not necessarily saying "yes" to a marriage proposal either), I'm not going to be convinced how serious you are. You can't always do things in a structured way or through people or signs. You have to physically be there. The actual person I am has to be recognized. I know I don't want to come across as TOO Manipulative or even want to put pressure on you during your show. I will still be there and if I'm anything to you, I'll be a horny fan who is there to have a good time. I'm keeping you in my sights and on my mind, but I'm not going to lead myself on to you too much or get my hopes up too much anymore for you. I plan on waiting to mess around with other men after the concert. Who knows when anything happens or whether or not anything ever will happen. Anyhoo, that is the spill of what is on my mind for now

Shawn D' A

I know I have been fearing an honest resistance with you for a long time and the day has come to be honestly resistant. I am giving you a serious "no." To be a little more clear, while I made fun of you with John Atchison with the "I bet my Life," song, it isn't that I think you and him are entirely the same. That is your own exaggerated and poor assumption..... I have nothing more to say to you than what has already been said. I think whatever kind of relationship we could have ever had is beyond repair and in big ruin. I have too many reasons that I will always be too mad. I don't like being around things and things to remind me to be angry. I try to achieve whatever peace and utopian fragments of life I can find. I don't think I'll ever have any peace or joy with you around. You are another man who is going to make me miserable. While I know you like to have your tricks and games, I am not out to trick or deceive you the way you would want to trick or deceive me. I may be interested in some of your partially arbitraged men, but I am not trying to lead you on or trick you with your own stupid sucker punch game. I'm too much of a Canadian for your games. I'm done.

I wish I didn't have to keep saying goodbye

I'm going to have to go with my mind gut more. It could be possible that I'm getting fucked with in the head more and lied to, but if it were all the truth, here is my stance: I'm not sure what it really is that you are trying to say. The picture still looks the same. My thoughts remain the same: I am brutally betrayed. When you continue to sexually advance on me, it seems it is all about the heat and the lust. You never have given me the impression until recently that you are a conquestial terrorist. You may not be out to terrorize me the way some other men have. I know not all dominate people want me to be suicidal. I have a feeling that I have some Canadian men from Toronto rooting for me. Not sure how the love comes from somewhere anonymously sometimes, but not everyone wants me to be suicidal. I know you turn me on. I think we do have good sexual chemistry. HOWEVER I will not be two timed or played. Not with Kim. Not with Katie. Not with anyone. I can't go forward and I can't go backward. I know I meant what I said. When I am betrayed, I am betrayed. Although you continually sexually advance on me, you haven't done anything to enable us going forward. The threat is still there. I know I am making the conscious choice to try to run from you. I especially got drunk last night and messed around as much as I could. While I know I have no boyfriend for now, I know the choices I am making now. I really don't know what to say anymore or what more there is to say. SINGLE AND STILL LOOKING

Cold Turkey Challenge

It just never ends. I will be further detailed and clarifying but I wish u w0uld seri0usly leave me al0ne and st0p wanting me t0 settle with what y0ur living c0nditi0ns are. If y0u had s0 much hate f0r me, I d0n't understand why y0u can't live with0ut me. I kn0w y0u like t0 harass and hate 0n me, but can't y0u live with0ut me? Why d0 y0u still find it necessary t0 use and abuse me f0r y0urself?.............anyway...y0ur sadism: denial and nevermind........... Jeff Bridges.......sadism: Y0u are a sadist with me in several different ways. The main ways y0u have been a sadist: Y0ur c0nstant subjectificati0n and lack 0f acceptance. N0t just subjectifying me t0 y0urself but t0 0ther w0men. H0w much y0u live t0 ruin me. H0w much y0u judge and prey 0n me and think y0u are right in y0ur predat0ry ways. The ways the th0ught has never 0ccured t0 y0u that WE D0 N0T HAVE THE SAME PERSPECTIVE am0ngst s0 many 0ther dissimilarities. Perspective with: What it means t0 be a lesbian what it means t0 be straight what it means t0 be a transvestite. Perspective 0f 0CD fits, when s0mething is an em0ti0nal issue, sexual issue, gender issue, 0r even an actual s0cial issue. Y0U JUST DIDNT GET H0W INC0MPETENT Y0U WERE IN THAT AND Y0U WERE ALWAYS G0ING T0 BE T00 SICK WITH ME IN 0NE WAY 0R AN0THER. Y0U KNEW H0W ANGRY I WAS AT BEING ACCUSED 0F BEING A LESBIAN WITH A LARGE NUMBER 0F VAIN AND EG0CENTRIC. Y0U WERE ALWAYS G0ING T0 TRUST THEM M0RE IN Y0UR SHALL0W ANGER. Y0U WERE NEVER G0ING T0 ST0P ARGUING: IF THIS THAN I MUST BE A LESBIAN. Y0U WERE NEVER G0ING T0 ST0P EXPECTING ME T0 C0NF0RM T0 Y0UR PERSPECTIVE. H0W C0ULD Y0U N0T SEE JUST H0W MUCH 0F A SADISTIC HATEFUL S0RE L0SING MAN Y0U ALWAYS WERE? Y0U HAD THE NERVE T0 C0NTINUE T0 EXPECT MY L0YALTY IN THE W0RST WAY. Y0U WERE ALWAYS G0ING T0 EXPECT ME T0 BE AT Y0UR MERCY AND SUCK IT EVERY TIME Y0U RUBBED ME THE WR0NG WAY. I WAS ALWAYS G0ING T0 BE PIDGE0N H0LED AS EITHER AN ASIAN 0R TRANSVESTITE. Y0U WERE ALWAYS G0ING T0 EXPECT ME T0 SUCK IT AND HIT ME THAT HARD BECAUSE I WAS NEVER G0ING T0 SUBJECT MYSELF T0 Y0U 0R Y0UR BASTARD FUCKTARDS. Y0U HAVE ALWAYS KILLED ME WITH THE M0ST SELFISH -PIGGISH DEHUMANIZING JUDGEMENT. I WILL ALWAYS KN0W I DESERVE BETTER THAN THE LIKES 0F Y0U. I HATE Y0UR IKE TURNER AND I HATE THE WAY Y0U WANT ME T0 C0NF0RM T0 BE Y0UR MRS. IKE. Y0U HAVE ALWAYS BEEN T00 MUCH 0F A WH0RE AND SEXUALLY DISTURBING. THAT IS BESIDES THE SADISTIC P0INT. I HATE THAT U WANT T0 W0RK THINGS 0UT AND EXPECT ME T0 SETTLE F0R Y0U. Y0U WANT T0 BE T00 MANY PPL AT 0NE TIME AND D0N'T KN0W H0W T0 MAKE ME GET Y0UR WAVELENGTH. ALTH0UGHU D0NT SEE Y0URSELF AS KING AGMENN0N WH0 IN THE W0RLD W0ULD Y0U ACCUSE IN BEING M0RE RESP0NSIBLE 0F A DUMBASS SAVAGE C0NQUISTAD0R? WH0 D0 U THINK TAKES Y0UR CAKE 0N THAT 0NE IN A SERI0USLY UNRELATED T0 MARRIAGE WAY?

Defenseless

Sometimes, I feel u could be talking to me in the head, but once again the communication is still not tangible or believable enough. Even if you actually said it, you as a person are not convincible or trustworthy enough. Maybe you understand a love you could have for me despite everything, but you just won't realize the depth of your large number of betrayals enough. It's like you want a quick and easy kiss and make up and think everything will just disappear over night. I know I had a hard time in catching onto you and still don't understand the person you are to this day. You were always too prejudiced and betraying to get to know me or get the chance that you never gave me. I don't want the chance. Not anymore. I will never feel loved or wanted enough with you. It is selfish of you to want to keep holding on to me because of my natural emotions and heartbreak. I know you only have more heart break to offer. A lot of me has become numb because of the kind of person u r. It isn't fair to me for the way you still expect me to settle for you. I know you have had recent betrayals and foul-mouthed slander to beat me up. It isn't that you ever try to win me or have serious commitment, you just expect me to be easy and give in to you over nothing. Give into you because I can't take the pain. I know it's not like I have never betrayed you back. I still doubt that I ever broke your heart or caused you distress or have any effect. Your complex has always been too big and you make me feel like the blows I give you with everything I have in me are just like a light tap. You've always seemed too cold-blooded and that I was always available. Sometimes, when I can't stand the pain, I think about just trying to be that submissive hopeless person with you. I think if I just shut up as much as I can and do nothing but sit around and looking pretty and find all the ways I can to pay attention to you than maybe all the pain would go away. It is still a square one with me: I will never feel loved or wanted enough. I feel like a defenseless, hopeless fool where nothing is ever going to go up or get any better from here. King Agmenon or whatever the Troy conquestial fuck's name is. When you want any kind of serious relationship with me, I'm not going to feel ashamed or taken aback anymore expecting a serious love. I've always expected love from anyone who wanted a serious relationship with me. AND SERIOUSLY, I AM NOT YOUR FOOL. I DO NOT TRUST YOU.

Random Thoughts

It has been a rough week. I'm hoping that good stuff will happen and that I get a little more sunshine in my life. I will be in town Friday and plan on going out. I'll have to get a newspaper to see what bands are playing or what kind of parties are going on. I don't know whether or not I will see anyone, but the dare for the Dr. is still on. If not, I'm sure I will find someone else to run into, or fun to be had anyway. I'm really not sure what I think of the Dr. anymore. He could be mad at recent things that I've said, and I'm just not taking back the violent rapist dogs that I think several ppl are. If I don't run into him, I won't be surprised, but I thought he may have had some kind of new and fresh outlook. I don't know what is up with the Dr. I really need something good to happen or something to cheer me up soon. All this rain needs to go away. June is halfway through and Mitzi and I have yet to go swimming. Mitzi's terrible spoiled 3's are here. Almost every sentence: "I want that. Let's go do this. I want I want I want." I know I'd be rich if I got a nickel for every "I want," that came out of her mouth. She is a bossy baby. She was bossy the day she was born, and I even had my own way of teasing her with being a bossy baby. She can be especially hard to take care of sometimes. I have a few knitting frustrations, but have knit enough to be satisfied. I was hoping to have more of all of the above made by now, but it is just time dependent. signing off for now

When I fall in love

Glory and all hail to my Canadian. Seriously, 3 Days Grace, "Just Like You," felt good to dance to last night. Whether or not you have any: "what gives?" or, "if, then, but," statements, I have my own questions and responses to make up. The things that some people won't think to think about and how much I can't always bear to be patient with some people with some things. What gives with others or you and I? I always saw your and others totalitarian actions for what they were. Some things can look and appear to be simple. It was the fact that I refused to conform, socially "put out," and stay reluctant that I was murdered the way I was murdered. I know men will always be out for more land and possession, and if I feel murdered for anything, I feel murdered for the way I always was and was never under your wing. I feel murdered for not conforming or being easy or putting out in several different ways. I have always felt scarred by the way you expect me to give in or give up and how low of a valuable I was. You can't change the choices that you made and the impression you left on me when you made them. Coming from you: " I feel you have changed in some ways. .... If you have a certain attraction you have, why be so stubborn, what are you trying to prove?" If you know something you feel or did, then why won't you see it my way? ..... I'd say there is still no comparison with your violence and evilness to mine. There is no comparison with your shallowness and lack of humanity than mine. When it comes to being bisexual, there is still one main block of mine in the way with one specific person. If anything ever were to happen, the song is still not about you. ...."Why are you so stubborn about being bisexual when it comes to me? Why won't you be a bisexual swinger with me and feel comfortable with it?" Because when I fall in love, it will be forever Jon. I know love is a feeling that can't be controlled but a commitment to someone you love is. You will never have a committed love to offer me, and I do wish to save and share a committed love that I could have with someone. When I fall in love and am loved back, I do expect a committed love out of a man. I know most men and especially you have issues with self control. WTF is self control, you ask? It's making the conscious choice to either refrain or take action to stick with something you say you are or want to be. It's knowing you may have an urge to say something or lust for someone, but you choose not to. If I ever find a man, if we ever have a serious love for each other, I have always expected faithfulness. I expect to be the main person he feels vulnerable with. I expect he shares and opens up to me and that we are anything but strangers. Whether he is straight or bisexual, I expect him to stay sexually faithful to me. I HAVE NEVER WANTED TO BE A SWINGER OR IN AN OPEN MARRIAGE AND NEVER WILL WANT THAT LIFESTYLE. WHETHER OR NOT I'M BISEXUAL, I do expect a man to want my faithfulness when it comes to both men and women. IN THE MEANTIME, WHEN I'M SINGLE, MY TRUTH WILL NOT BE DISTORTED AS ACCEPTING A COMMITTED SWINGING LIFESTYLE. I've always been out for a man and know I will never be in a sexually serious relationship with a woman. EVEN THOUGH I've never slept with a woman, and you have with a man? Why is it ok for me but not you? I never even said that. I do regret the awkwardness of it. I hate the awkwardness of you. I AM NOT MAKING THE CHOICE TO BE MARRIED TO YOU. IF YOU EVER TOOK IT AS A SERIOUS MARRIAGE WHAT A SICK, CRUEL, EXTREMELY UNIDEALISTIC JOKE OF A MARRIAGE THAT IT IS. My love and marriage will not be made a joke of. I know I can live without you and have made the choices to let go of you. YOU WON'T LET GO OF ME OR LEAVE ME ALONE. When I fall and love and get married I deserve faithfulness and to be treated as NUMBER 1 AND WILL NEVER ACCEPT ANYTHING LESS. STOP WAITING AND THINKING THAT I WOULD EVER COMPROMISE MYSELF. IF YOU EVER SERIOUSLY HAD SOMETHING LIKE THAT TO OFFER, I STILL CAN'T COME AROUND FOR YOU BECAUSE OF THE MAN YOU ALWAYS WERE. YOU MADE THE CHOICE TO BE THAT TYPE OF PERSON.

Dog of a Dog, Fool of a fool

Dogs dogs dogs. Although I could take something several ways, I'll only take it two according to my belief and misbelief. First off, I just don't understand the mind vex that I have. If a real CIA agent wanted me to believe or trust in him, why in the world would he want to look like Shawn D'A? I'll take the stance first if everything was real to believe. What a kill he has to throw himself on me like that. Besides my Olga making everything obsolete, he makes my hatred and every hateful word I've said obsolete. We have both betrayed each other. Two different ways of mind over matter. Besides knowing my history and the things I could always want to use against him; I feel so defenseless. There is something that he does so right and making me feel like there are NO STRINGS. Whether or not he was wanting to make me a severe fool; it felt good to me to make him know the serious "no" and resistance I have against the baby's father. I haven't been desperate for anyone this whole time, and I am especially not going to be desperate for the baby's father either. He never threatened me with his conquestial terrorism that has always been and I have the biggest mind vex with his dog of a dog. Maybe he has a sincere thug love (knowing it is right to defend myself against John's stalker). It isn't that the literal man is coming across as a thug, but a "rightful," authority. There is a way I feel I could die. ....... In being anything but naïve; I did have a few songs to play for this CIA dude. NIN's "Closer," "Bite the Hand that Feeds You," Ludacris' "Fantasy" Dead Weather "Cut Like a Buffalo" . It was my own laugh of his own doggishness and irony. Boy, did that man keep me fed more than well last night. I don't think I'm on this dude's hit list, but I think I could be on Shawn D's hit list. I think Shawn would want to make the biggest fool of me. Maybe he wants to prove me wrong, but I just don't understand him. Why would he be the hateful killer, predator, and conquistador of a man at one time and all of a sudden everything isn't like that anymore? Is it my inevitable vulnerability and that I'm "easier" in a different way? If he were real, I'd probably be mostly quiet and listless for awhile and eventually have more to say. I'm just not understanding if this CIA dude really wants to represent himself why he does give me the vibe he is being in the senate for someone else, or wants to leave some kind of impression on me in using someone else?

NOT PUT OUT OF MY MISERY

Man I hate that. Last night I felt stood up and denied. YET I still see signs. It is killing me. You can't just make a woman burn like that and leave her hanging. (stomping) It is so mean! So I had some other dude lay on a very seductive hit on me. It left me just as confused, frustrated, and tormented. He did give a subtle hint after work but I didn't go in for the bite. I question if I am the victim of a sexless rape anyway. I really don't know what to think of the stranger I met. He made a terrible comment and it was an impossible comment where I couldn't even get what he could be getting at. I'm just like WTF? But then, I see other signs that shift me to believe I shouldn't take the questionable comment personally. I don't know if I will see him again or what I'm going to do if I do. He said, "I'm sorry this is the place we got to meet." ?!?! Boy did that dude move fast. Maybe it was just the alcohol and his temporary relationship fantasy that was speaking. The dude that stood me up: I really honestly don't know what is going on with him. I know I can be shy and a little flighty but I'm not meaning to give him the impression that he gave me. It isn't that he even has to sleep with me to put me out of my misery. He could have just given a firm "no, I'm not intending to lead you on in anyway like that." I still see signs and I feel played and I know I'm not getting any official "no's." I'm just left hanging. I'm staying in cat mode and he does not have my full focus or availability. The heat and the crush may dwindle down soon.

That Hurt

I take it you were testing me last night, but I'm left back at square one with you. I'm finding it more difficult to believe anything about you and you're scaring me off. You figured out that I care, but you left it at the scene that it was. I don't like your sense of logic for the way you would want to test me with "prostitution." My job is just that. It still looks overall that you chose my sister over me, and give her your money and financial support. While your mind is focused on one thing, it seems like you don't get the big picture of it. You should have given me some more of your money you dork. Or, if it is that big of a deal to pay or not to pay, you should have just seemed more interested in me. I'm a stripper, not a prostitute! What kind of logical test was that?! I did hear your other hint, but you look like you're playing several different women. I know you haven't given me a hard time on second guessing myself or being insecure. Although I know you lead me on, you give me reason to second guess myself. I have my doubts and am not an entirely naïve person. Personally, depending on a person and the way that they carry their self; I don't think it is always attractive for a person to be too sure of their self. It isn't that I'm directing that comment at a certain particular person. I guess I'm just trying to say I feel more confident in not feeling entirely confident. Unless you're sold out for the super aggressive type, it is for you to decide who you are attracted to and want the most. It has always been my take on men. (and I have always blamed men for being the cheater too. I never get mad at the woman. It is the man's fault.) Your senator said he was from Chicago which could mean that he know he was full of "bull," but like I said, I feel back at square one. I know I feel more safe with you than with Frank Vista, but you just had to bite and test me last night. If you're still interested in me, you need to come on to me more or pull me into you more and make it obvious.

Hey Colin

Not a lot to say today. I have a loud toddler running around and I can't pay full attention to you as much I'd like.... I may have missed some things. Anyway, I did hear the stripper comment. Personally, I think you're fibbing to protect your "good guy," reputation. Although I can take the comment several different ways, I'll take it as the pretend/ non-pretend marriage way. Yes, I like my job and think it is fun. Maybe you're being more possessive and saying it out of possessiveness. (I know it sounded more of a liberal statement than anything). You know we're not married or official. Because of this, I just can't leave my job for you. This is a bad area for other jobs and I don't have much of a motivation to look for another one. Liars, Predators, and Tyrants have ruined my work history. Unless we become official and you offer some kind of financial support, I just can't leave my job for you, dear. lol. still thinking of you and I'll be around. ;0) xo

How to Beat a Sex Offender

You don't. It isn't a mind of winning and losing. Of course it is an act that nobody wants to happen. Nobody wants to be sexually abused or offended. When a sex offense happens, it happens, and the title of the happening is: a sexual offense. Not everyone thinks with an innocent mind. A lot of people have different routes of reactions. I think it is the most terrible when someone wants to make a contest out of it: as in "Taming the Dragon." In my most serious mind, whether or not the dragon is tamed, there is no win. If one can't tame a dragon enough in their own vulnerability and defenseless, the person could suffer more consequences. It isn't that the person is deserving of the consequences. A lot of times it depends on how a person wants to survive, or if they would rather keep their pride and take a beating. Sometimes seduction tames a dragon. Other times, seduction is the last thing the dragon would want. I have heard categories of dragons before, but most of it was in one ear and out of the other. Sometimes a dragon is a person you could be attracted to and want to attract them back. This is the biggest grey area when it comes to judgment and mediation. Is it that judgment and mediation is even asked for or wanted? While some people thrive off of other people and live for the game and fame and to people please, others are more personal and private with the other. Just because a person has an attraction to a dragon doesn't mean that the dragon has a permanent clean slate where being guilty of a sexual offense is unheard of. I think there are many times people won't care to take it into account while others will. Different people live different lives with different colors: public/private, loyal/unloyal, fair/unfair with different types of languages, communications, and prejudices. On top of that is a person's level of competition and just how willing they would want to compete. Some people have their own limits and should always be deserving and rightful of their own personal limits and when they would cut the other person off and refuse to compete. While some sexual offenses can almost be light or compared to a white lie; sexual offenses go deep. While many types of sexual abuses and sexual offenses exist, my biggest hate of all sexual offenses is slave labor. There is a serious line when slave labor turns into slave labor. How could people carelessly let a person win the position of "the master."? I think especially when the relationship is public and especially when a lot of egomaniacs are involved, more people should think to question the person who gives their self the name of the "master" above the other person. It really is another dragon of another kind, where again, there is no competition or winning. It should be seen as the sexual victimization game that it is. When it is a person's truth and that person doesn't care to call another their "master," that is their own personal truth. Even though the person usually is seen as the victim, the victim sometimes does try enforce their own slave labor wanting others to compete for this master position. Some people would be willing and other people should feel more than free to not have to compete or made to feel vulnerable to other egomaniacs. When people want to have their own terms of what it means for them to "win," or "lose," they should feel free to have their own personal feelings. Unless the person is a violent rapist on the run where raping is winning, that is not the same page. The blog has been about the person who is being sexually offended, not the offender. The other obvious time is when you are not attracted to the dragon and know you know you don't want to attract the dragon. Once again, there is no winning or competition in this type of situation. It is wrong for a person to be expect punishment for not seducing the dragon. Some people make desperate victimization games out of it anyway. When the action of a sex offense happens, it just does. (I do not believe in the Sharia Law. People should never be marked, labeled, or dependent on the marks a sex offender wants to give.)

Peace Be To Me

I can tell there is a lot of talk going on right now. I feel pretty blind to a lot of things. And, I also feel the same vulnerability and defenselessness that I usually feel. I just can't win. Do I have a real win somewhere for a real reason? ............. I feel I have Jon's attention in some way, but I'm being more expensive for him to reach and try to connect with me in some way. Man fuck his gang raping vainness and narcism. It did feel good to express my out look last night with some of the songs I played with Bon Jovi's and Jonny Lang's "Lie to Me," (of course Jon being the one who needs to be lied to) (I know he probably keeps Shania's "I'm Jealous," and Norah's "Happy Pills," in question). Although I can make my own personal entertainment, I still demand to be taken seriously than to be treated as a watered-down goof off. I can't stand any more of his war, insensitivity, lies, and denial. .................. I must try to keep myself together and hold myself down. Go Mushka, go.