If Larry was in my radar

Sometimes, I believe in some far fetched things with logical reason. I have heard the term of "safety net," before, and the thought that some people can't live with themselves if they leave the other for dead. It isn't always like that. I'm not saying Larry does or doesn't have an intentional dominate compassion or that some mysterious capitalist secret society does... I still hate karma..... When I got "visited," by a few Bollywood men while being with Larry, it was the main lead to wonder whether or not Larry was cheating on me. Did some men already have a knowing truth about Larry and that he had been cheating on me and lying to me while I was with him? They were a revenge that I didn't know or plan for? They could have been doing it in their own selfish, mean, and possessive piggishness on their own who still had no regard to my kill with Bollywood over Bollywood being the Bollywood and Stockholm that it is. Bollywood is the lesser relation and relationship. Some men can be too much of an arrogant Draper to ever get the inferior Bollywood they are..........Anyway, I can't say this is an apology to Larry. If I were to eat his words of "being incapable of being in a relationship," I obviously can't control the out of control Bollywood and the way I am thrown in to being some prostitute that doesn't even get paid in a prostitution ring that I'm still out of the loop with in a lot of ways. I can't control whatever prostitute I am that doesn't even get paid for it. I'd keep painfully calling it the basement slave victim situation that it is. I know I get seduced sometimes, but I was never wanting to hurt Larry or even wanted him to feel rejected by the Bollywoods. I never made any choice with them while I was with Larry. If all of the Bollywood radar were real; Larry did hurt me in the radar and it would still be a hopeless situation. It appeared Larry did want an unsaid bisexual open relationship that I was nowhere near being comfortable with. He also made me feel second best to someone else in the Bollywood. I felt murdered. I felt cursed over more totalitarian Islamic behavior. As much as a norm it should be in any relationship for a man to put the woman he is with first and before any other woman; I feel I am being murdered over someone's dominant and most dominate Islamic beliefs that there are queens and other women she should be forced to be subjected to. I feel I have several curses over my life when it comes to being in a relationship but what a most forbidden and hated expectation from others it has been of mine to have ever been a man's first and foremost. Although I could question Larry being someone's fellow Muslim who wanted me to stay despite his truth and truth of situation, I believe there are other men out there who are the most serious extreme and radical over women being subjected to other women or "queens." I've felt in terror for a long time over some radical and extreme men and want to know where the more normal non-sadistic and non-hateful ones are. I lead myself to a few tangents with one main tangent with Larry, but I can't put it on Larry for being one of the most radical yet. I know I see Larry being a little Bollywood on me in some ways and he is still abstract in a lot of ways with the rest of Bollywood. But Larry if you were in my radar and knew all about the Bollywood in my radar; I haven't forgotten some things you could have truthfully said or done that are still in question. When you make some abstract Bollywood things count; you make all abstract Bollywood things count.

A lot has happened during time gone by...

Jared, I have some guilt in feeling like a snob towards you. I'm not out to compete with you in the game of snobbery. I can't say that I feel I can rightfully hate you, unless there is something so bad about you that I just didn't get. If you have been meaning to be a friend, or some kind of emotional support to me, I appreciate it and could always use a friend. So much has gone on in time gone by on both of our ends, and I know you've been involved in some arbitrage and Bollywood in some ways. I know you have looked at me on some occasions.... Ann Hathaway has done something severely offensive with January Jones and the whole dog thing. I'm not sure what was entirely going on with you and her, and I was never your stalker. I know you had another random girlfriend on another occasion. Whether or not you are in it to win it with my sister, or Katie Perry I'm not sure of. You seemed to want to make fun of them more than be their friend, but I'm not sure about your relations with other people. Although I'm coming off as somewhat possessive, I can't say that it is presently a romantic possession, but in consideration of letting you be my friend, I guess I have some expectation of loyalty. I think you felt bashed by me on some other instances and in some other times where I wigged out over cults and I treated you as if you were a little too crazy or off of the deep end.... I have a slight apology, but I'm not apologizing too much over the whole cult thing. Whether or not you have any Christianity in your cult, cults still are their own religious form and I know they all vary in their own ways with how far out of a belief system a cult has. I'm just saying, there was a time, (and there are always pressuring times that come and go) that I just couldn't handle the blindsiding, totalitarian, psychologically tormenting dominance in my life that I couldn't understand if my life depended on it. I definitely wouldn't consider the dominance to have ever been normal or acceptable to society. When I felt powerless and defenseless and terrified in numbers of ways I couldn't describe, I just did. It was terrifying to be labeled as a schiz knowing I had some people messing with me and stalking me. It was such a sick and mean torment to be so psychologically terrified and outpigged. I still have problems with being messed with to this day, but there is some level of fairness where my mind isn't as battered and questioned as much as it once was. I know the comparison isn't the same with thinking you're out there in your cult world, but you probably have some anger in thinking I'm somewhat of a hypocrite in keeping your psychology threatened. Jared, as much as I run my mouth, I just can't consider you one of my personal "problem child's" right now. lol I still have problems to this day, but the present ones are typically along the lines of typical gang banging chauvnists sometimes wanting to stare me down with: why aren't you beat into submission enough? Why do you still not see yourself as the severe inferior that I want you to feel? I hate the way some people want to compare my own condescending thoughts with theirs like it is the same, but some frustrations vary and come and go.... Jared, I have to be honest with you. I know I've had emotional feelings for you before, but I kind of lost that loving feeling. I think it could be possible where I could develop feelings for you again, but I just don't have much emotions. I'm once again in a similar rut with a usual Bollywood relationship. I know I still look back at Mike in some ways and still have some attachment, but when I still have the same gang-banging relationship repeats with the same totalitarian arbitrage, I can only continue to keep screaming in a rage where I feel I make no connection against some men's barbarianism. It has definitely not been the first time my heart has broken over a gang-banger and I even spewed how much of a dime of a dozen of a man that he is. When some men just aren't compromising enough for my trust or my love; they just don't understand how easy it is for me to have some kind of betrayal. His Bollywood comforts me in some ways, but he just doesn't socially comfort me enough. Even if he did give in to me, have a genuine apology, and sincere will to want to win with me and stay true to me; he would be back at square one with Rae Sremmurd. At his age, (and even with Jon at his age) I hate the shady dime a dozen of a player he is. It's like he could want to be serious with me, but he just won't be safe or convincing enough that he wants to be that serious man. I can't stand the way I feel he wants to intentionally play me and burn me. He just hasn't been reasonably compromising enough. Part of me wants to be a little more quiet and loyal for Mike, but he has made it too impossible for me to be so self sacrificial for him. It is always me that some men want to play some of the worst games with, or keep me judged in the worst way. I don't even know what the half of him is thinking and what his real gossip is. I honestly think he has some kind of positive feeling, but I hate how much of a negative feeling has already been there. I can't stand to feel so led on to go through another grueling gang banging scenario for whatever their own selfish and barbaric agendas and ambitions are. I remember that romance sci fi movie with with that military guy who could only somehow use his mind and technology to connect to the outside world and whose mind was destined to be trapped while his body was blown up and practically dead. It had some train scene with a terrorist who wanted to bomb it. I can't remember the movie. I thought it was Lindsay Lohan as the actress but I can't remember the name of it or the actors. It was pretty sad and made me cry. Where it is like I've had an occasional mind dream ghost, and another comparison to the Bollywood where I do have some kind of emotions. It is like there is something there, but there will never be any real physical relationship. I thought of Mike a little in it and still can't seem to understand why I have to suffer through so many Bollywood relationships. Some times are more painful than others. Some days my tangible loneliness gets to me more than others..... I can think and feel certain ways all I want, but this is a constant situation that never gets anywhere. There is just no coming out of it........ Jared, I really don't know what emotional support you want to offer. Maybe you just want to be a friend who wants to give me some sort of company in some ways. What is on your mind Jared?.......

Brainstorm: Might want to shoot myself later

I'm coming off my post and dropping my guard a little by giving into some emotional thoughts...... It's still a question of reality and guessing in my sixth sense.... What if Mike breaking in my mind last night was real? What if Mike is really a lonely man, needs me, and is not afraid to say how much he needs me and not to leave him? Although it is still all Bollywood; I could still matter to him in his Bollywood world. Half the time he gives no hope that it would ever be anything more than Bollywood, and then sometimes he gives hope that it could be more. What is the sense in getting into any relationship if all it would ever amount to is Bollywood? Some crazy ass testing ground where the tests shouldn't be that credible or valid to begin with because what is so credible or real about the relationship? How does any fairness or math add up seriously? He's technically married, has a few random women and not so random women he keeps me threatened with from time to time, then acts like he's lonely, needs me, and almost makes me feel like I'm his only woman alive. I just can't process or absorb that I'm his only woman alive. I could brainstorm in the rose-colored glasses a little, but I have had to be so defensive and suspicious with him..... In my sixth sense, he does have me jealous of someone who is mostly random. My heart breaks the most if they have such a serious understanding with each other that makes it everything. I would think the thought of having a strong belief in plastic surgery and specifically in the face is kind of funny. They could have more of a love connection. My heart breaks for him because I seriously don't know him in sight enough and if he had any kind of surgery, he better not think that is what made me notice him. He forced me to notice him knowing I still don't have a clue. I'm hurt for the way he could have felt and the way he chose his mutiny. I refuse to let him put the ultimatum on me, but it is as if someone's sell out ultimatum was there somewhere. Why can't he see the kill that is in ultimatums and some compromises? tisk tisk. In all fairness, I've thought about having some surgeries before, but I would never think about making myself a high percentage of a walking piece of silicone. It's only human to want people to be attracted to you, but as flawless as some people want to make theirself look, there is still a mutiny in it. As much as I'm against boob jobs, there was a time a long time ago that I wanted to get breast implants. I overhear some everyday man pig talk and chauvinism than have my first couple of run-ins where the man really did have the ultimatum of boob job or die where I never ever thought of wanting to get breast implants again. I've never thought chauvinistic men who are seriously like that should ever be worth my time either, but there have been ways that it can still damage me. In my choice of consequence: I'd rather live without, have some damages, than to ever be compromising to their chauvinism and terribly womanizing ways. Call me a prude on top of that; I don't care. Right now, I don't feel damaged or killed over the issue of not having any facial plastic surgery. I'm not the best looking woman, but I'm most comfortable with the face I have. I have some hurt for him, but I think he means to give me a feeling I have now with some of his rumored emotional baggage and emotional cheat where I feel somewhat betrayed....... Yet, having some kind of real understanding with someone else he is a lonely man later in the night that doesn't want me to make him feel alone. ..... Brainstorming in some rose-colored glasses but I'm just not sold that he can't "live without me." I think he could be fickle and know he is still not being fair enough overall. I'm still mad that he's just not deprecating himself enough yet or loud enough yet about the way he was testing me with some of the other women. He hasn't been deprecating or clear enough about the shady man he has been either. If I'm still his cursed bitch in the closet, it's still not enough to put me at rest or at ease. He almost looks like he has a lot of talk and serious demands of want for me, but he just doesn't understand that he hasn't done enough, and doesn't understand what it is to convince me enough. In some ways, I can't always control the way I emotionally or sexually feel, but I'm just not consciously won. I'm just not won. Whatever submission he wants to act like he has isn't enough. I feel I was very nice in this blog, but I just may want to shoot myself for having any kind of a heart later, and he can run along and make up his own silicone Ken doll creation

As the Sarah Turns, Other Random Thoughts............

I guess I'll start with my soap. Nothing is matching up. There are times the online world matches up with the things going on in my mind, but this time, the online world doesn't match with my mind. It is a somewhat dangerous situation no matter how I see it. I will speak what is on my mind none the less.... I feel more paranoid with Sidney as an enemy than I do with Mike. I still have some feelings and care for Sidney, but right now, although the entire story does not make sense, I feel I have to choose between the two. It still seems an impossible situation with them being my imaginary boyfriends and the odds that we will never meet and that they will always be my Ray Ray....... Right now, I'd have to choose Mike. There is some friendliness and romance there too. I have a very serious attraction to him and I could almost send him any love song, but being that he is still a Ray Ray Pinocchio, I just can't take him or myself seriously enough...... Let's just say I would let my imagination run wild and that everything going on stayed the same and became it's own comfortable and domestic story; I just would not be comfortable enough. I want Mitzi to have one dad, not two, or some secondary "mystery relative." lol. What if I did become the third wheel of both dads and they just decide to seriously just be gay. I'd still be alone, but left with an actual more baggage and drama that I could have never had... I know divorces happen all of the time and some men do go for other men and not always other women ~lol~ already raced past the thought of marriage and living together and then the divorce. I would expect my significant other to be living with my daughter and I. I just have a hard time understanding how serious anything is and that I feel some sense of seriousness coming from their end. I am in demand. I am seriously in demand. I am feeling seriously wanted and wanted possessively. I feel they both want to be known as straight, and right now this is the breaking point of the choice and it is no longer ok to keep fooling around with both of them. I've been tricked again to be punished. (And it could be a double trick of Sidney's although the trick is on Mike.) No more fooling around with Sidney. It just isn't fair to be punished like that when some thoughts are intentionally misleading where I am led to believe it is what they want. It wasn't that I could fantasize like that forever, or would intentionally want that. There are so many things I can live without. Even if I never sleep with a woman; I can live without it. Having more than one partner at a time has always been awkward...... I mostly play it quiet, but I tend to break my silence from time to time with a reality check and wonder how much of a reality check they have on their end.......... So So busy in these next 3 weeks. I'm super busy with work this week. Next week's schedule is a little tripped up with travels and events. It can be stressful when it cuts into my other work time, but I'm hoping I'll be making enough to carry through next week and the week after. I'll be checking out apartments one day, and the other I will be having another festival which I hope to have better luck with. Then on Sunday of that week it will be VACATION TIME!!!! I have another festival the day right after vacay. I have a lot on my plate this month and the next, but it is how life goes sometimes. I will be super busy, on my feet, and probably running around like a chicken with its head cut off in getting all of the work and paperwork done in moving. Such a major long to do list when it comes to moving. I'm getting myself braced and ready for all the stress I will be taking on in June and July. Got to get ahead with everything else in whatever ways I can.

As the Sarah Turns: Playing On

I really am stressed over the player I am right now. The world turns, but my world isn't turning enough right now. I'm still mostly stuck on Sidney, but I think I may have another imaginary boyfriend, AND I actually have a real guy I'm talking to in person a little. I'm pretty sure he is his own man for himself, and I don't think he is some messed up intentional Pinocchio for someone else..........lol with my new imaginary boyfriend, as much as I would want to keep him and Sid provoked as Pinocchio: I'm laughing with a squeal because I'm the scared one. Yeah, I'm not sure how much it is every man for himself with both of my imaginary boyfriends... I think imaginary boyfriend 2 wants to be protective of Sidney, but I think he could want to be protective of me too. I think he knows more of what Sidney thinks and he could have been to insulting against me in ways I don't get. I would assume that he would want to be more loyal or protective of Sidney than I, but he is questionable. So, I have a little but of an uncontrollable pant and purr for imaginary boyfriend 2, but I don't know him anymore than I know Sidney. I'm not 100% sure of what their present status' are and what all it is they are doing. .......... The real life guy I am somewhat talking to. We are taking it slow, and I'm sure he has other interests and women to play. I don't have too strong or unfair expectations yet to be on his case of being a player. He's not a Frank so far either. He has a slow and kind respect and I wouldn't want to provoke it.... Like I said, I think this guy is for himself and wouldn't put himself out to put another man out in the arbitrage, but I think it is the arbitrage that wants to use him already. "Jay/Jared," is their code name where 2 of the arbitrage men don't even have Jay or Jared as their real name. I think the newest 2nd imaginary boyfriend has his own extent in the arbitrage of having that name, and I find it to be confusing and wouldn't know how to encode him all. Must be some kind of story there.. It is like he is giving me a message where he is standing closer than what I know... A little more scatterbrained. I have a little bit of a thing for him. I still have a thing for Sidney. This was very stressful to talk about, but I must say it.

Succumb to the Hockey Man

Right now, I wish I could be more secretive, quiet, and hush hush. The way I feel you come across me feels intimidatingly and dominatingly dirty, romantic, and lustful. I feel a death I don't know how to define. I feel very wanted and have some fight in not wanting to be too much of a fool. I think you want some kind of revenge because I'm just not hush hush enough. I feel speechless and left without any kind of option or choice more than anything, but I try to find words to say while I feel a painless and pleasant death I don't know how to define. I'm trying to make myself say something but don't know what to say.........

Hey

So...... In one way it seems you don't have any serious staking hate against me, but I keep it a little in question. Maybe there was a time you hated me for Paris and could have wanted to gang rape me for her, but that is all I could assume for why you would want to hate me. I don't completely know where you came from or what it is about me that makes me attract you, but you have some kind of attraction for me. I can't make any promises to you. I'm skeptical of not just you, but men in general. I know I attract various men from time to time with the stripper reputation that I have, but I've never had a big belief that they have a serious intent in wanting any serious relationship with me. Some times are more depressing than others. It matters to have more than only a sexual attraction. It is quite complicated in being a stripper. ... I'd consider myself a mind-whore right now. ... It's nothing too personal against anyone. It's a combination of my reluctance; ability to take a man seriously; ability to have a better and more personal connection with a man. I don't have too much of a reason to care enough. I have a thing for Pete still too, but his continued lack of real presence is the reason it fades more. How could he expect me to lead myself on to him anymore than what I do? I just can't take you seriously enough right now Vonny, and I have a little bit of a care free and depressed approach. I think it seems you want to have an unconditional sexual relationship with me. It's a little lewd; a little shallow, but not entirely shallow; to have sex without any reason than the fact that we could. It is what I would idealize a domesticated relationship to be, but I guess some people like to feel some kind of accomplishment before fucking instead of "hey let's fuck." Part of me wouldn't care if you wanted it to be like "hey, let's fuck," but it really is not a promise I can keep to be a constant willing and easy woman for you. Maybe your "death" was because I'm still being a mind-whore with Pete too. You're the one who isn't being the constant easy willing one now. Maybe your "death" doesn't mean anything at all, and I'm still in the same square one of my mind whore drama..... I don't know..... I'm neither a non-gamer nor up to the game. Not necessarily changing when I'm being blown by the wind, but I'm a little drifty and care free right now. ..... Not sure if I'm too heartless for you but unlike you and other Burmuda men, I'm not leaving you hanging in too much mystery or level of terror with the unknown. I give you some kind of confirmation and more solid communication. hmph!!!!!!!!!!!! Damn Burmuda men. stupid communication. .... I'm stressing over several other things right now. I was so glad and in some relief to have made bank this weekend. When I get my federal taxes, a little more relief and major changes will be here, but I'm still anxiously waiting to get some of my bills paid so I can get out of this house. I don't know where I want to move anymore. I don't know what I'll be doing after the next couple of months and I'm a little stressed and depressed over some of life's present hardships.... Good evening to you and I hope the rest is well.

Hey Gio

I used to work with someone named Geo, and he looks a little like you, but my thoughts are still directed at you, not him. So,... I still don't know what to entirely think of you, but I'm glad you have a serious sexual attraction to me. Speaking of serious, of all people, there is something about you that is serious. I know you're just an actor, but sometimes, with even an actor, one has to question just how much of a symbol one is. ... I am somewhat convinced you really want to be serious with me, but there are a few more things you need to make me believe about you more: your present existence outside of my mind, and another serious relationship sign. In a way; I think you expect a little too much from me because I seriously don't know enough about you. You mean to be possessive with me and you want me to stay with you is what you say to me in the head. ... Giovanni, I don't mind staying with you for now, I don't completely mind your possessiveness for now, but I'm not sure what I'm going to do if someone jumps me. (Not just in the mind either, if someone puts too much pressure on me to literally sleep with them.) I tell most people "I'm seeing somebody," and the somebody has changed in this instance, but I can't promise you how much I can hold out on you. While I know I want your real touch, I don't mind taking it slow and being at a distance with you right now. Expectations vary with Bollywood men, and I think it was for the best that with some of them, I never even slept with them in a real physical way. It wasn't that I never wanted to sleep with some of the Bollywoods, but it probably is for the best that I didn't sleep with them at all. There have been one or two that I've slept with in person and of course, I've slept with more men, but there is a difference between a Bollywood man and a more normal man that doesn't have to be so structured or complicated. Is it really that it is structures or complications that make a Bollywood man like that, or has it just been a lifestyle norm waiting period? While I'm confiding with you in most general terms, I recently feel I should hold my drama tongue with you more, because you're a possessive man who is not really one to confide in. ... If you care to know what I think or feel about someone, I probably would let you in, but I'm just going to keep it to myself for now.... Gio, you really have me by surprise that you already know you want me to stay. Right now, I can handle your expectation, but if I reach a point where I can no longer handle your Bollywood and feel like it will be stagnant and a go no where waste of time, than I probably will let myself move on. I'm not sure if you really would hurt me for yourself or how much you would hurt me if I moved on... I'm hoping you make me feel a little more comfortable with yourself and let me in more and get closer and get to know each other more. I have skype ;) Maybe you are extremely private, but I'm not sure what your intent of privacy is. ... Have a good evening! I'll behave. .......... xo