A lot has happened during time gone by...

Jared, I have some guilt in feeling like a snob towards you. I'm not out to compete with you in the game of snobbery. I can't say that I feel I can rightfully hate you, unless there is something so bad about you that I just didn't get. If you have been meaning to be a friend, or some kind of emotional support to me, I appreciate it and could always use a friend. So much has gone on in time gone by on both of our ends, and I know you've been involved in some arbitrage and Bollywood in some ways. I know you have looked at me on some occasions.... Ann Hathaway has done something severely offensive with January Jones and the whole dog thing. I'm not sure what was entirely going on with you and her, and I was never your stalker. I know you had another random girlfriend on another occasion. Whether or not you are in it to win it with my sister, or Katie Perry I'm not sure of. You seemed to want to make fun of them more than be their friend, but I'm not sure about your relations with other people. Although I'm coming off as somewhat possessive, I can't say that it is presently a romantic possession, but in consideration of letting you be my friend, I guess I have some expectation of loyalty. I think you felt bashed by me on some other instances and in some other times where I wigged out over cults and I treated you as if you were a little too crazy or off of the deep end.... I have a slight apology, but I'm not apologizing too much over the whole cult thing. Whether or not you have any Christianity in your cult, cults still are their own religious form and I know they all vary in their own ways with how far out of a belief system a cult has. I'm just saying, there was a time, (and there are always pressuring times that come and go) that I just couldn't handle the blindsiding, totalitarian, psychologically tormenting dominance in my life that I couldn't understand if my life depended on it. I definitely wouldn't consider the dominance to have ever been normal or acceptable to society. When I felt powerless and defenseless and terrified in numbers of ways I couldn't describe, I just did. It was terrifying to be labeled as a schiz knowing I had some people messing with me and stalking me. It was such a sick and mean torment to be so psychologically terrified and outpigged. I still have problems with being messed with to this day, but there is some level of fairness where my mind isn't as battered and questioned as much as it once was. I know the comparison isn't the same with thinking you're out there in your cult world, but you probably have some anger in thinking I'm somewhat of a hypocrite in keeping your psychology threatened. Jared, as much as I run my mouth, I just can't consider you one of my personal "problem child's" right now. lol I still have problems to this day, but the present ones are typically along the lines of typical gang banging chauvnists sometimes wanting to stare me down with: why aren't you beat into submission enough? Why do you still not see yourself as the severe inferior that I want you to feel? I hate the way some people want to compare my own condescending thoughts with theirs like it is the same, but some frustrations vary and come and go.... Jared, I have to be honest with you. I know I've had emotional feelings for you before, but I kind of lost that loving feeling. I think it could be possible where I could develop feelings for you again, but I just don't have much emotions. I'm once again in a similar rut with a usual Bollywood relationship. I know I still look back at Mike in some ways and still have some attachment, but when I still have the same gang-banging relationship repeats with the same totalitarian arbitrage, I can only continue to keep screaming in a rage where I feel I make no connection against some men's barbarianism. It has definitely not been the first time my heart has broken over a gang-banger and I even spewed how much of a dime of a dozen of a man that he is. When some men just aren't compromising enough for my trust or my love; they just don't understand how easy it is for me to have some kind of betrayal. His Bollywood comforts me in some ways, but he just doesn't socially comfort me enough. Even if he did give in to me, have a genuine apology, and sincere will to want to win with me and stay true to me; he would be back at square one with Rae Sremmurd. At his age, (and even with Jon at his age) I hate the shady dime a dozen of a player he is. It's like he could want to be serious with me, but he just won't be safe or convincing enough that he wants to be that serious man. I can't stand the way I feel he wants to intentionally play me and burn me. He just hasn't been reasonably compromising enough. Part of me wants to be a little more quiet and loyal for Mike, but he has made it too impossible for me to be so self sacrificial for him. It is always me that some men want to play some of the worst games with, or keep me judged in the worst way. I don't even know what the half of him is thinking and what his real gossip is. I honestly think he has some kind of positive feeling, but I hate how much of a negative feeling has already been there. I can't stand to feel so led on to go through another grueling gang banging scenario for whatever their own selfish and barbaric agendas and ambitions are. I remember that romance sci fi movie with with that military guy who could only somehow use his mind and technology to connect to the outside world and whose mind was destined to be trapped while his body was blown up and practically dead. It had some train scene with a terrorist who wanted to bomb it. I can't remember the movie. I thought it was Lindsay Lohan as the actress but I can't remember the name of it or the actors. It was pretty sad and made me cry. Where it is like I've had an occasional mind dream ghost, and another comparison to the Bollywood where I do have some kind of emotions. It is like there is something there, but there will never be any real physical relationship. I thought of Mike a little in it and still can't seem to understand why I have to suffer through so many Bollywood relationships. Some times are more painful than others. Some days my tangible loneliness gets to me more than others..... I can think and feel certain ways all I want, but this is a constant situation that never gets anywhere. There is just no coming out of it........ Jared, I really don't know what emotional support you want to offer. Maybe you just want to be a friend who wants to give me some sort of company in some ways. What is on your mind Jared?.......