Brainstorm: Might want to shoot myself later

I'm coming off my post and dropping my guard a little by giving into some emotional thoughts...... It's still a question of reality and guessing in my sixth sense.... What if Mike breaking in my mind last night was real? What if Mike is really a lonely man, needs me, and is not afraid to say how much he needs me and not to leave him? Although it is still all Bollywood; I could still matter to him in his Bollywood world. Half the time he gives no hope that it would ever be anything more than Bollywood, and then sometimes he gives hope that it could be more. What is the sense in getting into any relationship if all it would ever amount to is Bollywood? Some crazy ass testing ground where the tests shouldn't be that credible or valid to begin with because what is so credible or real about the relationship? How does any fairness or math add up seriously? He's technically married, has a few random women and not so random women he keeps me threatened with from time to time, then acts like he's lonely, needs me, and almost makes me feel like I'm his only woman alive. I just can't process or absorb that I'm his only woman alive. I could brainstorm in the rose-colored glasses a little, but I have had to be so defensive and suspicious with him..... In my sixth sense, he does have me jealous of someone who is mostly random. My heart breaks the most if they have such a serious understanding with each other that makes it everything. I would think the thought of having a strong belief in plastic surgery and specifically in the face is kind of funny. They could have more of a love connection. My heart breaks for him because I seriously don't know him in sight enough and if he had any kind of surgery, he better not think that is what made me notice him. He forced me to notice him knowing I still don't have a clue. I'm hurt for the way he could have felt and the way he chose his mutiny. I refuse to let him put the ultimatum on me, but it is as if someone's sell out ultimatum was there somewhere. Why can't he see the kill that is in ultimatums and some compromises? tisk tisk. In all fairness, I've thought about having some surgeries before, but I would never think about making myself a high percentage of a walking piece of silicone. It's only human to want people to be attracted to you, but as flawless as some people want to make theirself look, there is still a mutiny in it. As much as I'm against boob jobs, there was a time a long time ago that I wanted to get breast implants. I overhear some everyday man pig talk and chauvinism than have my first couple of run-ins where the man really did have the ultimatum of boob job or die where I never ever thought of wanting to get breast implants again. I've never thought chauvinistic men who are seriously like that should ever be worth my time either, but there have been ways that it can still damage me. In my choice of consequence: I'd rather live without, have some damages, than to ever be compromising to their chauvinism and terribly womanizing ways. Call me a prude on top of that; I don't care. Right now, I don't feel damaged or killed over the issue of not having any facial plastic surgery. I'm not the best looking woman, but I'm most comfortable with the face I have. I have some hurt for him, but I think he means to give me a feeling I have now with some of his rumored emotional baggage and emotional cheat where I feel somewhat betrayed....... Yet, having some kind of real understanding with someone else he is a lonely man later in the night that doesn't want me to make him feel alone. ..... Brainstorming in some rose-colored glasses but I'm just not sold that he can't "live without me." I think he could be fickle and know he is still not being fair enough overall. I'm still mad that he's just not deprecating himself enough yet or loud enough yet about the way he was testing me with some of the other women. He hasn't been deprecating or clear enough about the shady man he has been either. If I'm still his cursed bitch in the closet, it's still not enough to put me at rest or at ease. He almost looks like he has a lot of talk and serious demands of want for me, but he just doesn't understand that he hasn't done enough, and doesn't understand what it is to convince me enough. In some ways, I can't always control the way I emotionally or sexually feel, but I'm just not consciously won. I'm just not won. Whatever submission he wants to act like he has isn't enough. I feel I was very nice in this blog, but I just may want to shoot myself for having any kind of a heart later, and he can run along and make up his own silicone Ken doll creation