Box of Tissues

In personal terms, I'm not always sure about you and you've said some things that have upset me. Coming from a famous man like you, some things you say to me really is a major blow and hurts me some. You've kept me guessing a little which lessons the blow a little with some of your mind games. I still see you as mostly impossible and doubt I'll ever meet you in real life. .... Anyway, I offer you my sincere sympathy. You made it known you cared about Twitter and cared about your social life. The media has made an obsessive mess out of you, but you had a title of the wealthiest man so it's no wonder. Words may not describe how beat up and hurt you must feel on the inside. I hope it doesn't get it in your mind and make you lose it or get on edge pr suicidal. Hang in there Elon. I'm sure your days will get better. It's ok to cry on my shoulder if you need to.

Anxious

I'm neither comfortable in being quiet or in talking. Anxious over everything and nothing. Hubby, you're figuratively fat. I feel so squashed I don't know what to say and have to make more effort in forcing words out. I think you know I'm an emotional person but I'm used to feeling a very emotionally ignored person. I don't even look emotional or sound emotional but you are heavy. lol. You're so fat. lmaof. You are an exceptional person and it bothers me. I get very hunted, blackmailed, forced beneath terrible structures with terrible minds and I've been endangered so many times in so many ways not because of myself but because of the worst logic some people have. When it comes to relationships with guys, they say remarks, insults, make bad or terrible judgments and I feel I know all I need to know and know I don't need them in my life. I could go on with a more detailed vent with the way structures and throwing bricks go, but I'm serious when I say they commit their own deal breaker and I just don't care and go numb. I feel a little confusion because I don't expect to feel something else or feel a little warmed after taking something that was too much against me. I know some men mean to be just sincere narcs and think some "kind acts" can make them stay on top and are just wanting to feel a dominion but the smart ones dismount. I hate denial to the core. ... You make me feel some kind of romance and I don't know why. I'm always anxious over the isolation and not having the type of communication that I like. I can't beat you but I still care to fight for normalcy and feeling a more equal human than subhuman or other term I can't define. I care to have some kind of friendship or more relation to men I get romantic with.

Dear Violent Mystery Cop of Blackbeard

I don't understand you and I don't think you know how to understand yourself. I'm isolated with you all the more and you give me feelings of restlessness. I'm still dead to you in some ways but you just never made a lot of sense to begin with. You attract me, you have your own violent episode of despair and the statistic of despair you were wanting to limit me into being. It's part of your will to let yourself have your own made up right and bs reason for bondage. Maybe in that time period a couple years ago the drama was a little more severe and a large scale level... You weren't being loyal to me, you were using the information against me. You were a man that showed some recognition and acknowldement but I felt just as alone. I think you are more skeptical, statistical, in despair, and probably more of an atheist than I'll ever be. I do have times of knowing I'm being really failed and let down but you just wanted to add all of the more damnation to it. You have a faded reason and some kind of an excuse where you expect me to just not care and even make me feel threatened with what your competitive remarks are. You're still not going for my trust enough at all. As much as your skepticism would see everything as a lost cause, you would see the trust issue as that too BUT DON'T YOU DARE THREATEN TO BLACKMAIL ME WITH WHAT YOU DO AND HOW MUCH MORE ITS MY FAULT LIKE I'M TOO INSECURE WHEN YOU'RE OBVIOUSLY NOT TRUST WORTHY AND HAVE ME ISOLATED EXTREMELY. I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOUR REAL NAME. This is actually the first time in a long time that I get up in the middle of the night over my restlessness and start talking to you. angry pillow talk I guess you could call it. You hurt me hard. You seem you want me to be trapped over it and although I can't deny there is something attractive about you, when you break a woman's heart and just kill me in other ways too, there is a real loss of yours. Part of your skepticism and atheism thats nothing to you but its something to me. If you do something that harsh before, odds are you will do it again. I was hurt but then I just couldn't care after that point after so long. You don't seem to understand the type of person I am. I believe in a will to believe in someone and to have hopes and dreams. You hinder my will to believe and have hope. Because of what your approach is, it's always like I'm just hitting a wall with you. If you have a reason to just have your bollywood show up in my life, I really don't know what it is you are wanting. Don't you dare disrespect me like I'm pure sleeze that doesn't care. I'm a little depressed and don't care but its not that I don't care like that. I cared for you at one time and its painful and its cheap and negligent. goodnight.

James Bond of Casino Royale: I write to you because...

James Bond of Casino Royale, Of many of the fantasies of seen, that love fantasy has really stuck with me. One seen I remember the most was when you and my Bollywood of Vesper first met. You both had your profile of each other and you mentioned she had a chip on her shoulder. You knew what you were mad for and something that was preventing your hookup, but in every day life I hear something else and just how much the chip on my shoulder is used against me. Like an abnormal orange sized tumor growing off my shoulder where I'm the butt end. You really know how to overlook it, keep my confidence, and keep yours James Bond. I need to feel normal, but some guys won't stop having their worst fit against my anger. WHY WILL I ALWAYS BE THE LAST PERSON THEY WOULD EVER SHOW ANY LOYALTY FOR?! How could they be so cold blooded and not realize how betrayed, heart-broken, and cheated I feel? They won't stop wanting to have me beneath something or someone I can or can't see. Beneath lies. Beneath gossip. Beneath Betrayal. Beneath another woman's ovaries. Like crossbreeding exactly. My ovaries feel battered.... In other thoughts I'd ask you to escort me right now and this weekend if I could. I have a couple of things planned, and love the band I'm going to see, and I mean it to be just a peaceful escort.... My heart has recently sunk over something else. I'll be ok. It just gets me to thinking about life more though. I'm soon to be expectant. I was wanting to try a few more attempts of another route but I just can't wait anymore. I think if there was something urgent I want to say, what I want to say more than anything is: how much I want and need a man and a father for my kids. I know what I've lived through and how impossible looking it is for me to want a man. Although I get battered by men who want to have me or take me as too easy and open to anyone who wants to walk my way, a man who isn't as cold blooded and jealous would take a look at my life and story and see me as impossible too. Conception is such a serious challenge. I feel the effects on me would be pushed more into the stereotype of a lesbian if I conceive on my own. I'd be too happy to have another baby than to worry about lesbians, but I feel like I would be more vulnerable to be seen with that stereotype. 2 and 2 together does not equal lesbian. 2 and 2 together equals me wanting to have another baby. I feel so hated by some men James Bond. I feel so hated. I wish I had your shoulder to cry on and I wish you were here to hold me. They always want to blame me over the way it won't work. I hate feeling like I'm forcing myself too much on a man. It ruins my emotions when I feel I am trying beyond my normal limits and like I have to do all the work to make it work. It ruins me. All I hear is either try harder, try harder with degradation, or just plain degradation. I hate how cut and underestimated my will to try or be my own can be sometimes. It takes two and I believe in a give and take and that gets underestimated too. I think there are some jerk offs out there who are out to have a suck it war game with me and I will always be the one they target with that the most. I never get a break from it. Where is the loyalty, where is the love? I find it nowhere. Not all men come off as monsters or die hard suck-it war men. I just feel like I can't break the communication barriers and the way they won't work for me or work to find me. I could elaborate on the negative more. I need a man. I get sick over their "try harder and suck its" but I sincerely say I get can get just as sick without a man. Not that I had a man when he had such a bad attitude. They don't seem to understand how I could still want them sometimes. I can't break my sufferage pattern. As much as I hate using a man to make another man jealous, I especially shouldn't have to be a lesbian to prove anything. I say that with murder. What won't they get about that cross breeding? I remember you James Bond, and I remember the better days of a movie Casino Royale was. Minus the ending. I am definitely expecting something much else.

Cookies for Yannis

Yannis, this feels like this is at a pen pal level right now. It's ok and not ok. I have a lot on my plate right now and don't get to have a lot of time anyway. It's funny that even when I'm on a literal dating website, there are people on there who have their own time limit and say "I'm not looking for a pen pal, if you don't want to meet me, leave me be." I know I've always said that to my bollywoods and I just think its funny that people say the same things on dating websites. So, I havn't told you much about myself, it's mostly been stories, but I'll tell you a little. What I do for work: Right now mostly ride-sharing with Lyft and Uber. I used to do those only full-time but have picked up a couple of other side jobs, like doing laundry and tutoring online. I have also gone back to school for a certification in Medical Billing and Coding. I'm just ready for that career change and am hoping to have an at home job (something I've always envied for as an uber driver). Ride sharing isn't too bad. I love how much of a free schedule it is in choosing my own hours. I'm also looking to make a couple of major life changes in the next year or so. I plan on moving into a new home and am unsure if I am going to stay in the same area. Not sure where else to live right now... I'm a single mother of one and wanting another. Like I said, I have a lot on my plate right now and life can be so stressful sometimes. I've had some bad insomnia this past week ~pout~ I take meds for that too and even a strong dose. I just can't stand not getting enough rest and sleep. It adds to my anxiety and other negative feelings. It isn't easy being a single mom at my age. The Beatles have been a long term favorite band of mine, but right now, they are very good inspiration. I love the lyrics to "Silly Love Song." There just aren't enough hippies in the world. There aren't enough hippies who are real hippies either. Some people are all talk. They say they believe in peace and love but will make you feel either extremely uncomfortable or kidnapped. The Beatles are the man. If a person doesn't claim to be a hippy, they would most likely be the ones to make fun. The Beatles deserve to be compared to more than a Disney cartoon as Frozen but it reminds me of Anna on Frozen. What would life be like if they never had Anna punching Kevin at the end of the movie? It is why it is Disney and there is more misfits like me in the real world. I don't think I always come across as one of the most welcoming and friendly kind of people, but I have been called Naive before. What is so wrong with Silly love songs? The Beatles wouldn't understand either. I'm not entirely looking at you like your Kevin, Yannis. I'm just saying I like to feel relaxed and with a genuine peaceful hippy love. I don't like to be around egotistical competition, I like to be able to be more open and the person I'm with to want to feel comfortably open too.

Dear Yannis

I am sorry for both you and I that this is still the only option of communication. If it remains too much of a problem with you, then you will have to construct some other type of method of communication because I just don't have any other ideas. So, this is actually a short one. How do you really feel right now Yannis? I'm already on meds for anxiety but anxious is what I feel. I have some positive feeling but not a lot of energy for a lot of conversation. I think adults can still party but I'm too old to get out as much as I used to. Besides law being typical laws with labels, stereotypes, and profiles, I'm just not law. I drink some but am drug free. Proudly drug free. ... ... Besides laws and profiles, I show a very humble door of a home-ier opportunity. I could picture myself being warm and comforting with Shania Twain's "I won't leave you lonely," tonight song. I don't feel much of a discriminate or prejudice knife, but if you do mean to discriminate and be prejudiced against me, you keep your mouth closed, do not force another lie on me, and politely close the door. After years and years, I still don't know what to do about the communication issue.

Dear Yannis

Another letter. While you could have been playing another mindgame with me: "Am I the Ukranian or Russian," I feel swayed and pulled that I'm the Ukranian and you want me to come on to you more. This prison letter was a little delayed; I was in an own pause and block of not quite knowing what to say next... Anyhoo, Sometimes I feel I should make certain copy and paste blog letters. Right now, the Bollywood issue and the way it has always been overlooked and VERY UNSAID on the man's end. I do compare some feelings with Jon Secada's song, "Just Another Day," after sticking with the same Bollywood man for sometime, but it really is a reason I feel damaged. I still feel wanted but I wonder if a man has ever felt the same burned feelings as I do: what is the hold up? (It is terrible and painful when a man ignores signs and words I give, but of course it hurts when they have to let theirself have the dominate hand and will never understand the feeling it is with: what is the hold up? It is a law of my own I can't avoid.You can't keep a woman isolated and alone too long. It's an area I'll feel a victim to a lie, cannibalism, or overpowering gossip or laws the most. I hate the insecurity stab more than anyone and how much more of a poison is in it: trash a room and paint the garbage thrower on my hands. It is a very painful kill I tell you. This is 3 laws you get out of me: 1. don't let anyone else touch me. 2. Don't blame me when I do have natural and my own sense of reason insecurity. 3. I think I meant it be law 2 but I forget the other law I was going to say.... Yannis, you've been in my mind often the in the past week or two and it is something I will let you know. I just may not be up to the game you want me to be up to and it wouldn't be fair to me if you led yourself on in a way then get mad at me or make me feel like I've had to pay the bigger price because you could want to make it cost my reputation, stability, or strength all the more. Your profile: A very hot mid 30s rockstar. Right now, I don't entirely mind your comeon's although I question how much of a gunshot you could have meant to put in me. You seem to deny a will to wound. law law law, just because just because just because I want you, doesn't mean you shouldn't watch it with your own come ons. I hope your not the type that uses or holds a woman's sex against herself like that.....

Dear Yannis

I might eventually muster posting this blog to your twitter but I just feel the isolation where I can only speak out loud in a cage like you are listening anyway. Not officially face to face. That's right, it is a different game and you don't fool me foal. ~wink~ So, it is like you want to draw a circle to my face. It isn't I that wants to damn myself to the title of a one-night-stand. If I were to hunt you or go wild on you, my mission is that it is to hunt your law law law rules rules rules. I could see myself hawking the laws to your actions and going into detail with one thing or another in mockery, disrespect, or heckling you like you don't get what you somewhat initially do. If we are to be a child about it, "Then why do you bother?!" I'm just not my damnation or law forcer is what I'm trying to say. I do think you have a very nice intensity in the "In Degrees" song. I heard a song on the radio today that reminded me of one common dogma I have with the song "Hard Time," by Seinabo Sey. I don't feel the intensity to the song with you with the "In Degrees" song in particular and don't intend to cause confusion. It's not that I don't find myself with no potential to those intense feelings. I wasn't going to assume much to happen with you, and with any man, it's not the best feeling to feel such an intense rejection with your own degree of having to have it YOUR WAY. You are a song of a minion. A man who wasn't the cause but has the most of a clue. I feel isolated but not alone.... I don't mean to jab your ego when I say you aren't the cause to the emotion. You are an attractive stranger who still has some mystery. I don't understand why you would just keep drawing a circle. If that's the picture you mean to make of yourself, I bounce ON YOU back with a making fun of you "law law law law."