Merry Christmas

Almost Christmas anyway. If I don't have the time for the computer tmw, Merry Christmas. I am so excited for Mitzi tmw. She was 6 months last year at this time, and from last year and her birthday, she'll get the holiday celebration and I can't wait to see her excitement. Sometimes she fakes excitement with a funny "yay!" but I'll bet she'll be squealing this year. Everything is all ready to go........I am seeing several signs, and the main point is, I don't see who wants to tease me. Is it really Edward? I don't know if it is him. He hasn't called me recently and if this is him "keeping in touch," I'm still not crazy about the communication. With the obvious testing, I'll give some kind of response for his sake. If it is him, I think he is moving too fast. It would bless my heart a little if he was that crazy for me and more for being family minded. Although I liked squeezing his hold and holding each other tightly; I am not going to make such a big choice like that. Maybe he is giving me a hint at something else. don't know..........I really hope Edward calls me soon. I think he may be picking on me a few ways, and I'm not going to take it too seriously for now. Not sure if he is making more violent jabs or not. Maybe it is Tom doing it. Maybe it is both. corny "every rose has its thorns." pft!

As the Sarah Turns

Busy Busy Busy. All of my craft festivals are done. Maybe I will come upon 1 or 2 more winter fests to sell my winter accessories, but I am pretty much done until next season. Still job seeking and waiting for Barilla. Whichever happens, happens. Casino man has not proved whether or not he is a frog or lover yet. Barilla is up in the air. I have a feeling Tom is being an ass right now. There have been a couple of other men I have some sort of openness to, but it all depends on a couple of different things. Something for fun for now or something to find out about. Tom, I can tell you are not an easy man to please. There will always be the complication of knowing I am not an easy woman to please either and it is just this abstract competition. Speaking of, I don't understand why Tom wants me in torment. I would believe he would have other members of arbitrage where him and they don't want to admit whatever there truth is, and would rather just live to torment me with "they always have something to prove in one way or another," and they usually do prove it in the worst way. Tom has surprised me on some occasions. Right now, it is either him or Jim who want to put up some kind of fight for Stacy's sick sake. I really do hate the way Stacy thinks she has a chance with me. Sometimes some men just don't seem to get the womanizers they become. Jim doesn't have a chance with me either. It is Tom that I have been leaving the door open to. Even if Tom was with Stacy, both Jim and Tom need to get YES, I am calling you a nigger, because I know I have never made the action to put my life on the line or given her any chance with me. This is another rig. This is another nigger move to either lie or make it look like I am in self-defeat because I refuse to be challenged. Tom, Jim, Jon you guys can all get ran over for every single "Bow to my Queen," move you make. Jon and Jim are the biggest rapists for the longest time. Tom's advantage is he is new and hasn't put me out of my misery. So what it was a one night stand with Stacy or just another hello goodbye fuck. It is the way you push yourself on me to force me to make someone more equivalent or same level that we will never be. I know Stacy thinks my world revolves around her and even though I hate to include her in my "As the Sarah Turns," blog for the way she is nigger starved, I really need to keep reminding you of the niggers you will always be to me. Maybe Tom is too ignorant with what some of his associations are, but I am becoming more frustrated at the way he will not give up on the way he wants to manipulate or control me. I hate the way someone keeps feeding Stacy or the nigger way she feeds herself that she has what it takes to "make me her conquest."...... Tom, Stacy's will of competitive commitment does not have the power to manipulate me. I would just make more of a joke out of you Tom. Tom, maybe you do want me to flash you again with the way you would threaten my boobs more. I know some several factors have got a reaction out of me this time, but sometimes the Tom Petty threats don't always work. If you want me to flash you, you could always ask in a nice way, or just ask.

As The Sarah Turns

I hate the way I have to keep thinking skeptically because of how things have always been. I hate that probably all of the certain men in my mind are just going to be more passersby but someone wants to keep the ball rolling anyway. No men have ever hardly come around. It is all talk. With the ones in my mind, it probably is a good thing, except with Barilla. I wanted him more to be than a mix of my real life/ but imaginary boyfriend. I thought the Disney idea of The Lady and the Tramp was funny. I could imagine us with the pasta and chocolate cake and a good bottle of wine. ........... The other 2................. It was never safe to talk about anyone to begin with, but now is a time it feels very dangerous. More dangerous with "Batboy" than Tom. "Batboy" knows who he is. He knows I'm being very quiet with him, and although I'm talking a little, I still don't have much to say to "Batboy." I don't know why. I don't know exactly the how and the what. I'm more upset to which person would be handing him the keys. It ruins it a little. I seriously thought he was working with or through the military or was in the military himself. I don't know what to say to you . I can't define you as a punk . Punk isn't a close description. Silence........ Tom, he still doesn't deserve me. I'm not saying he wants me back either. My best guess at who he is really with right now is Nicole. With so much going on at once, I think I was given a hint at something else. Tom has taken himself a little more off my map but I know he is still around. Right now, it isn't about interaction or me having any kind of communicative advantage. Only he can see and drop whatever message. I just know he is definitely giving me a lot of disadvantages. chains chains chains trying to keep myself from going insane in being left in the dark with Tom. I'm still having a day to put on that party dress and it will have several different things to say for itself. While there is some drama and talk with my world turning, that is all it is for now. I'm not necessarily being very serious in asking for it, but I'm just trying to say I'm not a complete fool when it comes to someone's BS games. I hate the way some ppl will always want to be in control of my love life. Are some men really in an independent pursuit or will I always somehow be in someone's capitalist damnation or curse?

From one Carefree Ass to Another

Do I get paid to watch another movie and give you some kind of response? What is this? For some reason Charlie (really a bully with a bully fight from one crackhead to another) wins the characterization of his little crackhead brother Shawn. Someone wants to either know where the money is or where the crack is to be found. Bob is dead too. First it was Charlie who died; now Bob is dead. I am not completely finished watching the movie. Another long movie. Will probably watch the rest tmw. It looks like you want me to watch that Vampire movie next, or maybe your twitter is just only being Halloween themed. I still have a serious SOS over a lot of things. Where did Barilla go? (I know which man I'm talking about). Tell him I'm cooking some of his noodles tmw. I got one of those pre-prepared recipe bags. I think it is a spinach and cheese tortellini that I make with other ingredients. I really don't have much else to say about anything.

deep breath

The last short comments could have had the potential to say a lot, or maybe the connect the dots math isn't what I think.... You want me to be your Koala? You want me to be some sort of objective ring dog intended to say who is boss and want me to make you proud? You want me to be a prostitute for Chris? -either being the prostitute is the dog boss to make you proud -having sex with him would be symbolic to me giving in to him to either: *be bisexual *get a boob job *not in being the real boss by being the prostitute, but the man gives himself to upperhand to say customers have always been the breadwinners, therefore they are the boss.... My first initial instinct was a boob job. I'm a little terrified that you could be the one bleeding everywhere with "giving you the choice..." (I know you never had a boob job) (not terrified against you; sad if you really are bleeding like that) (sad if you are bleeding if it is about you being a prostitute) I'd never make fun of you, you give me an awareness of my own understanding to some of the torment of it. I can't see how damaged you are me knowing how damaged I am, and not knowing the info of some of the things makes me feel sad and scared. I'm sorry if you have had to live a miserable life to this very day. I'm sorry if there is nothing that could ever fix your pains. I'm sorry if you never feel capable of love or being loved ever again. No to being bisexual NO to getting a boob job As for being the prostitute ........... I really am naturally a koala to you no matter how mean you are as the pimp (mostly, but later it may be more depending on the details) ......... I feel the same way I have from the start. I am aware how my survival continues to remain threatened in several different ways. It would be a difficult life change but as much as I feel the thunder hit of your love, I am a little held back. It is something I don't want to be the one who is seen as the manipulator when I have suffered totalarianism the whole time. I am not responsible for the communism in my life. It wouldn't be fair to put it on me in that way. When I say "fall in to play," I say structure or no structure, lie or no lie, I know what I am. No matter how right someone's totalitarianism is to theirself or "power to the people" the communism will never be right. The oppression will never be right. Either being forced to be a prostitute or noticed by the pimp in a CERTAIN WAY could never have any wham to feel wrong. Not a game to compete with. Two completely different things...... and prostitution is something that I am an inexperienced virgin to.................. Tom, I can't help but be somewhat self-righteous. I also can't help but want to completely disarm myself. Giving up on myself?? No, not really. Not a total sell-out and still know I'm still not a bottom out. Giving me the choice? I do hate how some things are right now and I hate the ways I have to feel (in a still undefeated way) during some sexual and other random abuses that have not stopped and that I can't do a thing with and that I can get very ignored at times. Becoming a prostitute is something I am so virgin to that it isn't really a piece of cake making that choice. As long as I've suffered and been oppressed; I'd want to wait for my survival/resources (mainly my source of income) to be cut to officially make the choice. It isn't easy waiting, feeling threatened, feeling oppressed, feeling lonely, but whether or not you ever come to play, waiting is still the only thing and still an endurance to do and wait for something better in the future. waiting vs. either your timing, seriousness, own decision vs. dying alone with nothing and remorse for Mitzi do, do, die

.........

For the sake of building rapport with Tom. Not completely sure what is going on. I can tell you are a ladies man. Of course I'm jealous, but feel I am put in a position where I can only wait for you. I'm upset over several things and the same kinds of problems. One is I can't completely trust you. I won't completely be a sell-out for you. I can only question what you are up to more. I meant what I said the first time; I don't want Jim. Not sure if you still want me, but I can only wait.

Pacing back and forth

Crybaby here I thought it was over yesterday. It still seems to be over but a lot of fog and gray. I feel you want me to be persuaded to you, but I'm wanting to dig my heels in the ground against your pull. I still feel very insulted. I'm still not sure which direction you are going. Some fog and some anorexia to the fog. While you may want to be harmless, you're coming off as scary and not talking enough. You're not straight forward enough. You're not talking enough. It is like you are giving some waves of love and may plan more, but I can't see well enough. I have reason to doubt you. You may have done something against me in the past that you don't want me to know of. Yesterdays guilty by association and some other guilty by associations that I don't know how to make sense of. Can't help but have some want and expectation of loyalty from you. I don't like to feel threatened by the idea of you wanting me to like some people and especially enemies I know I will never like. Me being your cougar? I can see it a little in myself, but it isn't a promise. Kitten boots. While I may have it in me to look down on you and be a little scolding of you, and really, really want you, I just won't have it in me all of the time. It looks like it would be one competitive challenge after another. Challenges where I can't win and be the cry baby I am. I'm just going to shut my cougar mouth coming back because I don't want to describe what I could guess what some of the other challenges could be. I'm too sensitive right now to want to look and guess you more. Both comments should neither be taken in one extreme way or another. Don't let the crybaby go to your head too much and don't let my cougar threats threaten you too much. Are you identifying me in Jon? Man, I really thought you had guessed me. It has been too late for Jon. It is a terrorizing idea to be in a relationship or married to Jon. While being hit by you, you really make everything feel like its too late, but I hate feeling already self-deceived with the way I feel hit by you, because you can't get its too late for Jon too. This is some of the fogginess. You make me feel alone again. Tom, will you please do me a favor if this is a cruel game? Just completely go cold turkey and let go of me. Please don't lead me on anymore.

Dearest Tom

Tom, I just couldn't assume you're the mother of all stalkers. You are a good and bad stalker. lol such simple words. not really. I don't always know what you do know or what is on your agenda; I just have a good idea that you are one of the people who ignore me the least. It breaks my heart if you are Jim. I remember the actions he took and the things he said. Jim is a Calvin. You can't be Jamie/Django and Calvin at the same time. You really don't come across as a Calvin. If you really believe in breast supremacy like that; you would have shot me by now. I don't want to talk about that subject anymore because I see the other predators that are around and I hate how I'm already being looked at in subjective ways by them. I have a lot of problems and reasons of having shattered emotions in my life. Again, I don't know how much you know of me or how much it would matter to you. feeling your thunder heat and pressure. trying not to be overtaken by you too much because I know deception exists whether it is you being deceiving or I am self-deceived. What a real pressure and heat you are. so perplexed and seduced.

Breaking out anyway

I hate how unfair the world is. I hate feeling helpless. Either way, I'm still not going to say his name. I was given such a great mind fantasy and he ruined it. I'm not sure how it all works. I never said I was a professional with nuclear science or whatever. I'm just back to not getting it. Why was I given such an incredible fantasy like that where he seemed to want it real bad too, but then it was a bubble burst. He is either another random guy coming along or maybe he is just another tool to break me in some way for some reason even if it was an emotional cry or break. I've always known the majority to be terrible and arrogant judges of character who are being just desperate predators but this guy in particular mostly won at being a predator. What is this; a neverending predator contest amongst some men? That was so mean. I wanted to try to approach him a little better to purrrr at him, but he done ruined it. Stupid man. Back to everyday life. What a hectic and busy past few weeks it has been. Time stressors. So much to do and so much left to do with not enough time. Not complaining about the job. I am making a decent amount of money that needs to keep being made. Shopping, swimming, cleaning, working on crafts, the list never ends.

Outside Talk

Personally, I do enjoy and prefer the private life. I think that some talk should be kept just between some people. I do believe there is nothing wrong with secrets. I will explain myself in this instance pretty much the same way I do in all other instances: I do what I want, when I want. Some rules are meant to be broken. There are some exceptions to make and guess who gets to decide on exceptions? ..... It really is his fault. He isn't being fair enough. While he could be playing the field, I do see a few ways he could most likely be making a pass at me still. Speaking of exceptions, the next rules are the appropriateness of the game. This means, it isn't ok for him to still be coming off as a player playing the field. I don't care about the odds or other number of women he has. He is in the doghouse; I will not be competing for him. Whether or not he lets me go is his choice. If he doesn't let me go; he is still in the dog house. I am not his subject.
I wish some of his news wasn't so.
As for running into his senator the other night? My best assumption is that his friend could be trying to say something for him. Other assumptions could be that he is pranking me or some other people are trying to prank him for the idiot I saw his senator as. Because I found out I couldn't trust him; whatever bullshit was going on, I just didn't play safe with. I don't regret how I came across to his senator either. I can't help but question a little is the real representative really being possessive of me? Is he really trying to say in an unfair way that he isn't going to take no for an answer? If he does let me go, there is nothing to wonder about. If not, I see the possible routes he could go next, but I don't know him enough to know where he would go from here.
I'm still going to root for Superman and Mr. Goodbar.


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