As The Sarah Turns

I hate the way I have to keep thinking skeptically because of how things have always been. I hate that probably all of the certain men in my mind are just going to be more passersby but someone wants to keep the ball rolling anyway. No men have ever hardly come around. It is all talk. With the ones in my mind, it probably is a good thing, except with Barilla. I wanted him more to be than a mix of my real life/ but imaginary boyfriend. I thought the Disney idea of The Lady and the Tramp was funny. I could imagine us with the pasta and chocolate cake and a good bottle of wine. ........... The other 2................. It was never safe to talk about anyone to begin with, but now is a time it feels very dangerous. More dangerous with "Batboy" than Tom. "Batboy" knows who he is. He knows I'm being very quiet with him, and although I'm talking a little, I still don't have much to say to "Batboy." I don't know why. I don't know exactly the how and the what. I'm more upset to which person would be handing him the keys. It ruins it a little. I seriously thought he was working with or through the military or was in the military himself. I don't know what to say to you . I can't define you as a punk . Punk isn't a close description. Silence........ Tom, he still doesn't deserve me. I'm not saying he wants me back either. My best guess at who he is really with right now is Nicole. With so much going on at once, I think I was given a hint at something else. Tom has taken himself a little more off my map but I know he is still around. Right now, it isn't about interaction or me having any kind of communicative advantage. Only he can see and drop whatever message. I just know he is definitely giving me a lot of disadvantages. chains chains chains trying to keep myself from going insane in being left in the dark with Tom. I'm still having a day to put on that party dress and it will have several different things to say for itself. While there is some drama and talk with my world turning, that is all it is for now. I'm not necessarily being very serious in asking for it, but I'm just trying to say I'm not a complete fool when it comes to someone's BS games. I hate the way some ppl will always want to be in control of my love life. Are some men really in an independent pursuit or will I always somehow be in someone's capitalist damnation or curse?