dark clouds

Money is always on my mind. I'm the type that likes to get the worst of things over with in a quick way. The state is now playing a game with me. I did give the appeal, but I recieved a letter in the mail today that suggested I continue to file for my weeks on unemployment just incase my appeal was approved. I really do doubt it on all ends. I am frustrated at this letter and hate to put the bankruptcy on hold. Personally, I think it is another form of sadism. The leaders that I have hated on want a longer painful death of my finances. And of course, this comment will cause them to be a little more testy and questionable. So, I still want to push myself more to get the ball rolling for bankruptcy.
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I reflect a little on Sam's blogs again. I get a chill with other possible connections and I feel freaked out by it. Anyway, I mostly reflect on his thoughts where it is a battle of the sexes. It gets deep with so many branching thoughts. I believe in what he says concerning war and love with men and women. I do feel a little bad when I had to agree with someone else that he was sick in the head, but I agreed only because of the pictures of sadism and predators I had in my last blog. I guess some men's wars go further and sicker than others, and it makes me wonder more about the real judged psychosis among men concerning sanity.
I really do get depressed thinking about it. So many men don't think a lot about things. They are spoiled rotten and always expect everything to be at their command. In my case, when things get tough, I am the one to be left because I am strong willed and not the nurturer that men want me to be. It starts with a disagreement where the sky is the limit of the topic. Depending on the security of the man, whether or not she agrees is also dependent on some level of confidence. If she disagrees, depending on how much she is cared for, men will use various tactics to either manipulate or beat her into submission. Some men feel that if there is a disagreement, than that must mean they are inferior or pussy whipped, and I really think it is more of a confidence issue in my book. Most eventually write off due to the nurturing factor. They don't even think to wonder about the females withdrawel after they have done a good bit of war-mongering. It is not expected to think that men should be sensitive, and I think that is usually why I am labeled as being gay. I have always held the belief though, that if a man loved or cared enough for a woman, he would make effort to keep the relationship together. That if a man cared enough, he would continue to chase her. I think in modern times men are more self-centered. My next thought is very controversial, but I'm going to say it anyway. I do agree that some science is involved in relation to gender preference in a relationship, but other times, I think it is more self-centered and egocentric for the reason that some people get bisexual or gay.
I think true independence does not need to have a sexual lover to prove that a person is who they are.
I also think that there is a need to have understanding and relations, but I'm the type that would rather have a faithful commitment that is mature enough to respect differences. I would wish that they would have the confidence as well. I do want to have a great deal of compatibility, but why do people have to be completely the same? What is wrong with discussing and talking about thoughts out loud? Why should there always be a winner or loser when talking about an idea?
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My next thought is about my sister. My heart is breaking for the fact that I am hating her, but in forced cirumstances, I have no choice.
I also sense the predictable: competition of "hypocrit," and black sheep. I am highly annoyed with the hypersensitivity of it all. I think it is more of a confidence issue with my opponents. Some enemies are not always seen.
No, I honestly think my sister and I do not compare with choices we have made in life. I think in relationships with men we do not compare either. So maybe we have taken the same actions in certain things, but I think it is very closed-minded on the opponents side to continuously insist on competing with each other in both being the black sheep and in relationships. By now, it should be respected that my sister and I are two different people. I feel annoyed and trapped by a high school mentality. It is their feast and my waste of time. It isn't fair to me to keep getting taken advantage of for the sake of my sister's argument.
I think she ultimately does want to get in a battle of self-righteousness and be the one to be able to play her games with her field. She can't see we have different wants and goals and she wants to share the same values with me. Like so many other girls, I think there wants to be fights at who is better in bed, in cooking, in a list of things. I think it is immature and subjectifying. I do not want a man who wants a trophy wife; a man who wants the woman who can win the most contests. I want a man who wants me for who I am. It isn't that I think I'm even that awful at most things. I consider myself a well-rounded, and well-balanced person. I really want to be loved in my individuality, not as the contest winner. I think it is more status and ego-seeking. I do want success at the same time. I want to be a winner at a number of things. But, I don't want to be loved because I am the winner. Even though I may sound like a cold-blooded nun, if I ever get a man, I really would want to be the best in bed that he had. I'd want him to be very happy in that dept.
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I can't believe it is almost 9:00 already. I wish I would have had more accomplished today. I'll live. I hate how many times of depressions that I experience.