Nothing new

I think my newest self-diagnosis is being OCD over socialistic cancer issues. Call me vain, but when obvious triggers are in the room, how could you not expect me to be on edge?
I did some of my own code talking on the offense today.
I hate feeling I'm in a silent code war that is in all honesty pressing me to know info.
But, my code talking was open enough to get a clear word in. I basically told Jon that I live in Chicago, am stuck there, moved to a new location on Pearl St where he will no longer be able to find me.
How dare someone call me vain or a pig especially when they are the ones who are doing the initiating, pushing, and pressuring.

Right now, it is my mom who is being more exposed in her attacks. She is accusing me of charging the internet with some video sites. Personally, I think it is both of my parents who want me to be paranoid about some of the stuff I share online. Screw them both, I will continue to write and say what is on my mind.
My mom also harassed me more over the Mo issue in addition to the letter.
She is definitely being hostile right now. I'm a bitch all of the time, maybe someone is being a little more confrontive or breaking her denial and bringing the truth to light with our issues. I do not know what her specific problem is, or if she is taking it out on me with the pressures she may be facing.
Whatever it is, I'm not putting up with it. I called her an obsessed stalking freak as well who needs to back off and get over it.
People wonder why I don't share much with my parents. They've always been controlling, poor at judgement and poor at arguing. I'm not taking their abuse.
I think they probably are responsible for a lot of my paranoia and it sickens me to think it is as if they want me to cower to them. I can tell my dad especially obsesses from time to time in testing dominance, when it is unspoken through body language. I'm so sick of him testing me with the space issue.

I havn't talked to my parents in months. I do not feel safe here and I think eventually one of the two will do something extreme with their anger.
I wouldn't be surprised if either hit me or even stabbed or shot me. My dad sometimes makes hints in a negative unspoken fashion about the gun that he has.

I have tried to get in a shelter but I have not yet been able to get in one. I need help.

Amidst structure, there is no structure

I have yet to catch up with Desperate housewives and the first hours of this weeks and last week's dancing with the stars. It was ok, but I'm not sure I'm catching on to everything with dancing. Things are obvious enough in some instances, but my life feels like it is still at a standstill, although I enjoyed entertainment and an artful yet vague company. Uncertain with specific people and specifics in general.

Structure can be thought of in different ways: a literal building, an organized routined pattern of abuse. There are different kinds of abuse. Even though I do not consider to be dating anyone, I would consider my experienced abuse to be fashioned around Vince Vaughn in "The Breakup."
There does not seem to be any person in my life right now that is helping me in anyway. If anything, I feel people are desperately wanting to pull me down. I feel used and that my life is continously and non-stop getting sucked dryer and dryer.
It is all about everyone else.
I do get some forms of sympathy sometimes. But, I notice moreso, that people are not accepting me or anything I say. Instead, people are still pulling me into their agenda. They still have the egocentric mindset that they think I revolve around them and actually worry or care for them.
Some people I do care about. But, I crave to be around a more mature crowd. I want people and/or a crowd that realizes we are mutually independent from each other. I want people that want to have a regular conversation about anything and everything and that has no dependency relation whatsoever.
I don't need advice.
I do not need to be taught how to live.
I do not need to be told how to feel.
I do not need to be told who I should like.
If I need anything, it is money and financial assistance.
I know, I sound like a cheesy Taylor Swift. People seem to be pretty darn deaf.
Chaos and clouds and my world.
That is it.

End of day thoughts

I did watch tonight's episode of Desperate Housewives. Some days, I am more angry than others concerning feeling used. Especially the days when I experience abuse and vulnerable moments, my anger builds.
It felt great to yell and remind my neglectful mother where I stood the other day. She is always trying to use some angle to bruise my esteem a little. She went for the bipolar diagnosis. Because we are family, again, we really don't have an effect on each other, but it feels great to remind my mom how numb I am to her.
I basically responded that I think people are low lifes and full of shit. I am waiting until I move out of town to find another job. She is in denial about my reality and I really am getting strangled for others to believe that I am "disabled." I called them lying pieces of shit right in front of her. Even after she yelled for my "potty mouth," I called people a bunch of sick fucks again. And I walked away, because I already know she is the sadistic provoking type.

Anyway, before I give any response to Desperate Housewives, I want to catch up on last week's first.

Not just after the show, but from both computer texts and cat texts, I declare I am single.
I am not with
Jon Stewart
Josh
Dane
Mick
Demetri (people are silly)
or whoever.
I am single.

I did get another gay bombardment today that I have already taken care of.
I can tell Jon's cat was being programmaticaly sadistic in trying to supress and oil rig it, but I had to wait to blow off some steam a little.

I did have a very successful day today and made more sales than what I had expected. It still isn't enough money to make a huge difference, but it is some extra cash I can use. Still going bankrupt and still jobless.

Sexual Characters

I do feel as if I am buried under a lot of rubble.
I had a conversation last night with someone concerning some rubble, and I think I have a better shot and chance at having a say right now to elaborate what I really think and feel concerning sexual issues.

I have been experiencing a lot of sexual harassment lately. Been experiencing it. There have not been many times where I have felt that I have had a rational conversation.
With a lot of characters, I feel so confused with who some people are really talking to and who people are directing what at.
I think it is sick to be entirely connected to a number of people that I think I am connected to.
Of course I don't see myself as others would, I don't connect the dots as others do.
My anger is against not just sexual harassment but sexual labels as well. The possessive issue is a factor as well.

To generalize all characters:
I deny that I am a prostitute.
I deny that I am a participant of any type of pornography.
I deny that I have ever been paid for any kind of sexual relations.

Yes, I am aware that people watch me BUT THAT DOES NOT MEAN THAT I HAVE MADE A CHOICE TO GIVE MYSELF TO PORNOGRAPHY OR THAT I AM PERMISSABLE IN LETTING IT HAPPEN. I'M PRETTY PISSED. I FEEL NEGLECTED AND IGNORED WHEN I COMPLAIN ABOUT ISSUES CONCERNING PRIVACY. I HATE SOME OF THE BS GAMES THAT I GET CAUGHT UP IN FROM COMPETITIVE DUMBASSES THAT JUST WANT TO SCREW UP MY LIFE MORE THAT TRY TO TARGET ME AND PROVE HOW WILLING AND PERMISSABLE I AM OF HAVING MY PRIVACY INVADED.

I have had one night stands.
I can dress scandily on occassion, but I consider myself to be neutral in my dressing attire overall.
I have had flings, and semi-relationships.
I do not consider myself in a serious relationship with anyone.
I THINK MOST "RELATIONSHIP" RUMORS GOING ON IN THE MEDIA ARE NOTHING BUT B.S. There is a possibility that I may actually know some people, but I do not see myself anywhere close to how others see me. I think my relationships in the media are lies, cancer, distortions, and exaggerations.
Because I feel so buried under rubble and I am the argumentative type, I find it harder to say the easier defenses: "You don't know me." And I sometimes hate having to say that because some people take it as a challenge "to know me and to define me." I simply don't want some people in my life. I AM NOT ANYONE'S POSSESSION PERIOD.

I really hate that my sex life is so exploited. Because of it, people do not give me the credit for the normal life I have. They don't think about the regular down to earth things I do in my spare time. They don't think of me as a normal person who does normal things.
Because most people really do not account themselves and live to judge others, I am in a more vulnerable position. A lot of people do not like to look in the mirror and acknowledge that they can be promiscious or slutty. They are too busy pointing the finger at someone else who is promiscious or slutty.

So what makes me different when I point the finger at Megan Fox?
SHE DOES USE SEX INITIALLY AS HER WEAPON/PERSUASION TO WIN WHATEVER GOAL IT IS THAT SHE IS SEEKING.
SHE DOES GET PAID TO MAKE SOME MOVIES AND POSE IN SOME PHOTO SHOOTS AS A SEX SYMBOL
IT HAS ALREADY BEEN ARGUED THAT BECAUSE SHE HAS THE PERFECT BODY SHE IS THE "ENLIGHTENING LIGHTBULB" TO TELL OTHER PEOPLE HOW TO SEE. SHE IS THE SEX SYMBOL OF CREATING SEX OBJECTS TO BE HER FOLLOWER OF HARMONY IN BRINGING NURTURE AND WHAT IS "NATURAL," IN BOTH BUSINESS AND RELATIONSHIPS.
SHE IS A HINDERANCE TO INDIVIDUALITY, CONSERVATISM, FREEDOM OF CHOICE, AND FEMINIST JUDGEMENT.

I do set myself apart from Megan Fox. Even when I do not have the perfect body, I am not afraid to go head to head with her. I have never been paid. When I do get a little sexual or promiscious it is usually in the bar scene where it is a place that is meant to let loose and have fun. There is no business agenda about it. I have flings and one night stands for my own fun and extremely punished freedom.
When I apply for jobs, I do not use sex as my weapon or persuasion to get the job. I do not manipulate others to gang up on others to be my follower. I give people their individuality and freedom because I do not believe that suffocating a person of who they are is really necessary for anything.
Depending on where a person is, it does matter what certain boundaries and focuses there should be. Time and place. I am sounding like my dad right now, but I can't argue that he is wrong about it. On the other hand, I am wise enough to know what is appropriate vs. what is more of a loyalty issue.

dark clouds

Money is always on my mind. I'm the type that likes to get the worst of things over with in a quick way. The state is now playing a game with me. I did give the appeal, but I recieved a letter in the mail today that suggested I continue to file for my weeks on unemployment just incase my appeal was approved. I really do doubt it on all ends. I am frustrated at this letter and hate to put the bankruptcy on hold. Personally, I think it is another form of sadism. The leaders that I have hated on want a longer painful death of my finances. And of course, this comment will cause them to be a little more testy and questionable. So, I still want to push myself more to get the ball rolling for bankruptcy.
.............................
I reflect a little on Sam's blogs again. I get a chill with other possible connections and I feel freaked out by it. Anyway, I mostly reflect on his thoughts where it is a battle of the sexes. It gets deep with so many branching thoughts. I believe in what he says concerning war and love with men and women. I do feel a little bad when I had to agree with someone else that he was sick in the head, but I agreed only because of the pictures of sadism and predators I had in my last blog. I guess some men's wars go further and sicker than others, and it makes me wonder more about the real judged psychosis among men concerning sanity.
I really do get depressed thinking about it. So many men don't think a lot about things. They are spoiled rotten and always expect everything to be at their command. In my case, when things get tough, I am the one to be left because I am strong willed and not the nurturer that men want me to be. It starts with a disagreement where the sky is the limit of the topic. Depending on the security of the man, whether or not she agrees is also dependent on some level of confidence. If she disagrees, depending on how much she is cared for, men will use various tactics to either manipulate or beat her into submission. Some men feel that if there is a disagreement, than that must mean they are inferior or pussy whipped, and I really think it is more of a confidence issue in my book. Most eventually write off due to the nurturing factor. They don't even think to wonder about the females withdrawel after they have done a good bit of war-mongering. It is not expected to think that men should be sensitive, and I think that is usually why I am labeled as being gay. I have always held the belief though, that if a man loved or cared enough for a woman, he would make effort to keep the relationship together. That if a man cared enough, he would continue to chase her. I think in modern times men are more self-centered. My next thought is very controversial, but I'm going to say it anyway. I do agree that some science is involved in relation to gender preference in a relationship, but other times, I think it is more self-centered and egocentric for the reason that some people get bisexual or gay.
I think true independence does not need to have a sexual lover to prove that a person is who they are.
I also think that there is a need to have understanding and relations, but I'm the type that would rather have a faithful commitment that is mature enough to respect differences. I would wish that they would have the confidence as well. I do want to have a great deal of compatibility, but why do people have to be completely the same? What is wrong with discussing and talking about thoughts out loud? Why should there always be a winner or loser when talking about an idea?
.............................

My next thought is about my sister. My heart is breaking for the fact that I am hating her, but in forced cirumstances, I have no choice.
I also sense the predictable: competition of "hypocrit," and black sheep. I am highly annoyed with the hypersensitivity of it all. I think it is more of a confidence issue with my opponents. Some enemies are not always seen.
No, I honestly think my sister and I do not compare with choices we have made in life. I think in relationships with men we do not compare either. So maybe we have taken the same actions in certain things, but I think it is very closed-minded on the opponents side to continuously insist on competing with each other in both being the black sheep and in relationships. By now, it should be respected that my sister and I are two different people. I feel annoyed and trapped by a high school mentality. It is their feast and my waste of time. It isn't fair to me to keep getting taken advantage of for the sake of my sister's argument.
I think she ultimately does want to get in a battle of self-righteousness and be the one to be able to play her games with her field. She can't see we have different wants and goals and she wants to share the same values with me. Like so many other girls, I think there wants to be fights at who is better in bed, in cooking, in a list of things. I think it is immature and subjectifying. I do not want a man who wants a trophy wife; a man who wants the woman who can win the most contests. I want a man who wants me for who I am. It isn't that I think I'm even that awful at most things. I consider myself a well-rounded, and well-balanced person. I really want to be loved in my individuality, not as the contest winner. I think it is more status and ego-seeking. I do want success at the same time. I want to be a winner at a number of things. But, I don't want to be loved because I am the winner. Even though I may sound like a cold-blooded nun, if I ever get a man, I really would want to be the best in bed that he had. I'd want him to be very happy in that dept.
....................................

I can't believe it is almost 9:00 already. I wish I would have had more accomplished today. I'll live. I hate how many times of depressions that I experience.