What Life Would Be Like With a Boob Job

I'd like to start with a good secret I don't care to keep anymore. It doesn't really count as much but it is the fact that I WOULD think to consider before considering other options. As an Uber driver, people ask annoying questions about my experiences as a driver all of the time. I don't remember this passenger's name but that part doesn't matter. He was a young and good looking guy who looked to be foreign his self but he was asking for his "friend." I had given this passenger my number when he asked for it, he later texted and asked if I would marry his friend from another country so he could have his U.S. citizenship and he would pay me money. Whether or not he was joking/testing or wanting to be serious was of some matter, but I really enjoyed exploring the thought. Of course there are a few fears about it. If the guy was a matured enough guy who was serious and seriously put together with focus in mind and we had a well said consensual agreement, it could be a happy camping situation for the both of us. Maybe there is a possibility we would like each other and actually want the marriage but what if he was a total nightmare that lived in the same house as me most of the time? What if he did the worst things in front of my daughter and brought home gay boyfriends or something? I could always use the weapon of divorcing him back into his country. But the next major fear and determiner of my choice was my paranoia with the ICE police. I believe I am a hated woman. I believe I'm so hated that I wouldn't be able to get away with a divorce if I wanted to. Moreso, the biggest fear is having to go to jail and pay a major fine. I believe an ICE police officer would go through great measure to sniff out and find evidence of a sham marriage. It would be like I would have a brief joyride if the former worked out and we had a consensual agreement and wasn't some whack job, but then the ICE cop would just put something on me and the marriage wouldn't be worth it to me if I had to pay a fine and go to jail like that. Had I not had to worry about that, I wouldn't have felt I was going to matter to any man any time soon and would have felt a satisfaction to a sham wedding. He would have his citizenship, I'd have some extra money. A thought I've obviously thought about.......... So besides me having a long lived scream against superficial men, I've had screams against the thought of being held beneath a comparative woman's undertaker. It only matters to me what a man thinks of me, but apparantly I've always been lied against and battered by a woman's conceitd arrogance with whatever she says goes. While I know men or the lesbian make a choice to subject me and put other women or there lesbian self before me, it's not my choice that they are before me. Thus this is the reason I scream rape. I may not even be touched but it feels like rape and makes me insane. I hate the way people lie and deny their actions WHILE I KNOW I'M SUFFERING. Such a terror to live with....... Back to men being the actual focus when it comes to getting a boob job. They are just as much as a drag as they were before. It's nothing that I like to even joke with. The fact of the matter is when I feel my life gets intentionally put on the line too much over the issue: would I really rather be dead? What is it worth to me to be alive while having a boob job? It's like I'll always have this undertaker who will always be the same worst relentlessness wanting me to be under the same structured abuse AND I CANNOT SAVE MYSELF FROM THE UNDERTAKER'S BOOB JOB ULTIMATUM. I've been hurt, rejected, cast under, slammed into walls, been ignored, been neglected, put through so many types of abuse, how long will I always be suffering the abuse of the ultimatum and condition? When someone doesn't want to accept me and puts me through countless kill switches, I'm being killed AND THERE IS NOTHING I CAN DO ABOUT THE WAY I'M BEING KILLED. I've lived my whole life wanting to be loved and accepted for who I am. It has always and will always be a big deal to me. Forget my identity as a parent and a village parent. "Nobody is ever going to survive unless they do more and more to make theirself better looking to someone. Forget your life story. Forget what you are capable of. Your looks will always matter more than your story or what you are capable of doing. You won't be allowed to be capable of anything unless you look really good." That would be the message I would have the hardest time saying to anyone with me having a boob job. I may have been a victim of someone who wasn't going to stop comparing myself to her with her boob job, but I would'nt want someone to be a faithless victim to my boob job. It murders me so much when someone wants to point the gun at me like I'm the one who cares about my breast size the most when I've always been brutalized and left in the cold because of my breast size. It murders me when conditional men seriously want to think they're the good guy and almost make me feel like a rapist because I don't have a boob job and am too unattractive. What manipulative wife beating pussies to want to call me the rapist like that. Man that's murder. Personally I don't think it has ever been fair for many men to want to treat me like a dead beat. Where is the introduction? Where is any kind of story? Where was the Tango? Where was any fairness to begin with? I'd be called a dead beat because it is the way a man has to have his dominant way. He is a fool to think he can make me feel safe when I don't feel I have much of a clue or much of a say. He is a fool to think he can make me feel safe if I don't see a give and take or tango. The nerve some possessive men have and the dominant way they want me played and said their way. THE FUCKING NERVE. So, I'd still be a dead beat with the boob job. I didn't matter without them, the man who wants to make me feel like I'm all of a sudden a somebody and that I'd matter more with them is a wife beating jerk off. That should always be obvious but some people just won't get or face "what's so wrong about getting a boob job?" My comments would be around: Man: "Nice knockers lady," Me: "Gee thanks." So I've compromised some of my respect as a stripper. Do I really have to fall under all of the stereotypes of a stripper and the amount of plastic surgery some strippers get done? It was a lot to compromise myself like that. It was my survival. I was getting fired all of the time and sent the worst terrorizing email like I need to be on Social Security. To compromise myself more in getting a boob job just takes the life out of me. I really don't know how I'd live with a larger fake set. I'd be melancholy and dead beat in a lot of ways. I know some sadists would get the better of me and wanting to shame or scorn me over it. I'd tell them, you want to put my life up for debate, you go talk to my undertaking exes and watch their rape be proud for me against me. I couldn't give my sadist the satisfaction like that in saying it was against me. I'd just refer him to Jon Stewart, David Duchovny, or the worst extreme Elon Musk. They're all gay or bi, they might not mind you wanting to rub off your sadistic anger with them. They'd fight and protect that boob job. I just have the worst scuff over someone wanting to be an ignorant shamer. Don't waste any more of my time or breath, on the time and breath that's already wasted.

Box of Tissues

In personal terms, I'm not always sure about you and you've said some things that have upset me. Coming from a famous man like you, some things you say to me really is a major blow and hurts me some. You've kept me guessing a little which lessons the blow a little with some of your mind games. I still see you as mostly impossible and doubt I'll ever meet you in real life. .... Anyway, I offer you my sincere sympathy. You made it known you cared about Twitter and cared about your social life. The media has made an obsessive mess out of you, but you had a title of the wealthiest man so it's no wonder. Words may not describe how beat up and hurt you must feel on the inside. I hope it doesn't get it in your mind and make you lose it or get on edge pr suicidal. Hang in there Elon. I'm sure your days will get better. It's ok to cry on my shoulder if you need to.

Anxious

I'm neither comfortable in being quiet or in talking. Anxious over everything and nothing. Hubby, you're figuratively fat. I feel so squashed I don't know what to say and have to make more effort in forcing words out. I think you know I'm an emotional person but I'm used to feeling a very emotionally ignored person. I don't even look emotional or sound emotional but you are heavy. lol. You're so fat. lmaof. You are an exceptional person and it bothers me. I get very hunted, blackmailed, forced beneath terrible structures with terrible minds and I've been endangered so many times in so many ways not because of myself but because of the worst logic some people have. When it comes to relationships with guys, they say remarks, insults, make bad or terrible judgments and I feel I know all I need to know and know I don't need them in my life. I could go on with a more detailed vent with the way structures and throwing bricks go, but I'm serious when I say they commit their own deal breaker and I just don't care and go numb. I feel a little confusion because I don't expect to feel something else or feel a little warmed after taking something that was too much against me. I know some men mean to be just sincere narcs and think some "kind acts" can make them stay on top and are just wanting to feel a dominion but the smart ones dismount. I hate denial to the core. ... You make me feel some kind of romance and I don't know why. I'm always anxious over the isolation and not having the type of communication that I like. I can't beat you but I still care to fight for normalcy and feeling a more equal human than subhuman or other term I can't define. I care to have some kind of friendship or more relation to men I get romantic with.

Dear Violent Mystery Cop of Blackbeard

I don't understand you and I don't think you know how to understand yourself. I'm isolated with you all the more and you give me feelings of restlessness. I'm still dead to you in some ways but you just never made a lot of sense to begin with. You attract me, you have your own violent episode of despair and the statistic of despair you were wanting to limit me into being. It's part of your will to let yourself have your own made up right and bs reason for bondage. Maybe in that time period a couple years ago the drama was a little more severe and a large scale level... You weren't being loyal to me, you were using the information against me. You were a man that showed some recognition and acknowldement but I felt just as alone. I think you are more skeptical, statistical, in despair, and probably more of an atheist than I'll ever be. I do have times of knowing I'm being really failed and let down but you just wanted to add all of the more damnation to it. You have a faded reason and some kind of an excuse where you expect me to just not care and even make me feel threatened with what your competitive remarks are. You're still not going for my trust enough at all. As much as your skepticism would see everything as a lost cause, you would see the trust issue as that too BUT DON'T YOU DARE THREATEN TO BLACKMAIL ME WITH WHAT YOU DO AND HOW MUCH MORE ITS MY FAULT LIKE I'M TOO INSECURE WHEN YOU'RE OBVIOUSLY NOT TRUST WORTHY AND HAVE ME ISOLATED EXTREMELY. I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOUR REAL NAME. This is actually the first time in a long time that I get up in the middle of the night over my restlessness and start talking to you. angry pillow talk I guess you could call it. You hurt me hard. You seem you want me to be trapped over it and although I can't deny there is something attractive about you, when you break a woman's heart and just kill me in other ways too, there is a real loss of yours. Part of your skepticism and atheism thats nothing to you but its something to me. If you do something that harsh before, odds are you will do it again. I was hurt but then I just couldn't care after that point after so long. You don't seem to understand the type of person I am. I believe in a will to believe in someone and to have hopes and dreams. You hinder my will to believe and have hope. Because of what your approach is, it's always like I'm just hitting a wall with you. If you have a reason to just have your bollywood show up in my life, I really don't know what it is you are wanting. Don't you dare disrespect me like I'm pure sleeze that doesn't care. I'm a little depressed and don't care but its not that I don't care like that. I cared for you at one time and its painful and its cheap and negligent. goodnight.

James Bond of Casino Royale: I write to you because...

James Bond of Casino Royale, Of many of the fantasies of seen, that love fantasy has really stuck with me. One seen I remember the most was when you and my Bollywood of Vesper first met. You both had your profile of each other and you mentioned she had a chip on her shoulder. You knew what you were mad for and something that was preventing your hookup, but in every day life I hear something else and just how much the chip on my shoulder is used against me. Like an abnormal orange sized tumor growing off my shoulder where I'm the butt end. You really know how to overlook it, keep my confidence, and keep yours James Bond. I need to feel normal, but some guys won't stop having their worst fit against my anger. WHY WILL I ALWAYS BE THE LAST PERSON THEY WOULD EVER SHOW ANY LOYALTY FOR?! How could they be so cold blooded and not realize how betrayed, heart-broken, and cheated I feel? They won't stop wanting to have me beneath something or someone I can or can't see. Beneath lies. Beneath gossip. Beneath Betrayal. Beneath another woman's ovaries. Like crossbreeding exactly. My ovaries feel battered.... In other thoughts I'd ask you to escort me right now and this weekend if I could. I have a couple of things planned, and love the band I'm going to see, and I mean it to be just a peaceful escort.... My heart has recently sunk over something else. I'll be ok. It just gets me to thinking about life more though. I'm soon to be expectant. I was wanting to try a few more attempts of another route but I just can't wait anymore. I think if there was something urgent I want to say, what I want to say more than anything is: how much I want and need a man and a father for my kids. I know what I've lived through and how impossible looking it is for me to want a man. Although I get battered by men who want to have me or take me as too easy and open to anyone who wants to walk my way, a man who isn't as cold blooded and jealous would take a look at my life and story and see me as impossible too. Conception is such a serious challenge. I feel the effects on me would be pushed more into the stereotype of a lesbian if I conceive on my own. I'd be too happy to have another baby than to worry about lesbians, but I feel like I would be more vulnerable to be seen with that stereotype. 2 and 2 together does not equal lesbian. 2 and 2 together equals me wanting to have another baby. I feel so hated by some men James Bond. I feel so hated. I wish I had your shoulder to cry on and I wish you were here to hold me. They always want to blame me over the way it won't work. I hate feeling like I'm forcing myself too much on a man. It ruins my emotions when I feel I am trying beyond my normal limits and like I have to do all the work to make it work. It ruins me. All I hear is either try harder, try harder with degradation, or just plain degradation. I hate how cut and underestimated my will to try or be my own can be sometimes. It takes two and I believe in a give and take and that gets underestimated too. I think there are some jerk offs out there who are out to have a suck it war game with me and I will always be the one they target with that the most. I never get a break from it. Where is the loyalty, where is the love? I find it nowhere. Not all men come off as monsters or die hard suck-it war men. I just feel like I can't break the communication barriers and the way they won't work for me or work to find me. I could elaborate on the negative more. I need a man. I get sick over their "try harder and suck its" but I sincerely say I get can get just as sick without a man. Not that I had a man when he had such a bad attitude. They don't seem to understand how I could still want them sometimes. I can't break my sufferage pattern. As much as I hate using a man to make another man jealous, I especially shouldn't have to be a lesbian to prove anything. I say that with murder. What won't they get about that cross breeding? I remember you James Bond, and I remember the better days of a movie Casino Royale was. Minus the ending. I am definitely expecting something much else.

Cookies for Yannis

Yannis, this feels like this is at a pen pal level right now. It's ok and not ok. I have a lot on my plate right now and don't get to have a lot of time anyway. It's funny that even when I'm on a literal dating website, there are people on there who have their own time limit and say "I'm not looking for a pen pal, if you don't want to meet me, leave me be." I know I've always said that to my bollywoods and I just think its funny that people say the same things on dating websites. So, I havn't told you much about myself, it's mostly been stories, but I'll tell you a little. What I do for work: Right now mostly ride-sharing with Lyft and Uber. I used to do those only full-time but have picked up a couple of other side jobs, like doing laundry and tutoring online. I have also gone back to school for a certification in Medical Billing and Coding. I'm just ready for that career change and am hoping to have an at home job (something I've always envied for as an uber driver). Ride sharing isn't too bad. I love how much of a free schedule it is in choosing my own hours. I'm also looking to make a couple of major life changes in the next year or so. I plan on moving into a new home and am unsure if I am going to stay in the same area. Not sure where else to live right now... I'm a single mother of one and wanting another. Like I said, I have a lot on my plate right now and life can be so stressful sometimes. I've had some bad insomnia this past week ~pout~ I take meds for that too and even a strong dose. I just can't stand not getting enough rest and sleep. It adds to my anxiety and other negative feelings. It isn't easy being a single mom at my age. The Beatles have been a long term favorite band of mine, but right now, they are very good inspiration. I love the lyrics to "Silly Love Song." There just aren't enough hippies in the world. There aren't enough hippies who are real hippies either. Some people are all talk. They say they believe in peace and love but will make you feel either extremely uncomfortable or kidnapped. The Beatles are the man. If a person doesn't claim to be a hippy, they would most likely be the ones to make fun. The Beatles deserve to be compared to more than a Disney cartoon as Frozen but it reminds me of Anna on Frozen. What would life be like if they never had Anna punching Kevin at the end of the movie? It is why it is Disney and there is more misfits like me in the real world. I don't think I always come across as one of the most welcoming and friendly kind of people, but I have been called Naive before. What is so wrong with Silly love songs? The Beatles wouldn't understand either. I'm not entirely looking at you like your Kevin, Yannis. I'm just saying I like to feel relaxed and with a genuine peaceful hippy love. I don't like to be around egotistical competition, I like to be able to be more open and the person I'm with to want to feel comfortably open too.

Dear Yannis

I am sorry for both you and I that this is still the only option of communication. If it remains too much of a problem with you, then you will have to construct some other type of method of communication because I just don't have any other ideas. So, this is actually a short one. How do you really feel right now Yannis? I'm already on meds for anxiety but anxious is what I feel. I have some positive feeling but not a lot of energy for a lot of conversation. I think adults can still party but I'm too old to get out as much as I used to. Besides law being typical laws with labels, stereotypes, and profiles, I'm just not law. I drink some but am drug free. Proudly drug free. ... ... Besides laws and profiles, I show a very humble door of a home-ier opportunity. I could picture myself being warm and comforting with Shania Twain's "I won't leave you lonely," tonight song. I don't feel much of a discriminate or prejudice knife, but if you do mean to discriminate and be prejudiced against me, you keep your mouth closed, do not force another lie on me, and politely close the door. After years and years, I still don't know what to do about the communication issue.