Drowning... man vs. nature/and something else

A person makes their self fight sometimes when they find it necessary and then they get tired of fighting. It might not always be about drama or particular people, even though it is the case sometimes. I can't quite say I am fighting entirely nature alone with there being a second instance of robbery here in Pittsburgh. I hate being battered with being at fault or the one to blame. I haven't been able to get out of my financial situation in the past couple of years. It's bad enough with some seen and a lot of unseen wanting to stalk and stay on top of me to my face. ...Life is just beyond awful. I hardly ever talk about my finances besides knowing it is a personal and sensitive issue of my own or anyone's. I have a few bossy Calvins in this area of subject too. While Calvins are usually egocentric in thinking anything I talk about is parentally up for debate or I'm just being taken down without a fight with no voice and deserving of a mute like there is nothing wrong with it, I expressively talk about my stresses despite the sadism and ignorance that exists. … While I work with the job I prefer the most, the car troubles and expenses are really getting the better of me. I've had times where I've envisioned my financial smooth sailing and then another financial circumstance trip up happens. The hope and relief I thought I would have gets shot down. It is weighing down on me too heavily. It's not my fault that my car was stolen a few months ago but I just can no longer take the endless expenses and trip ups and picking myself up financially again. The literal hours that I work do not add up at all and I'm screaming in my mind with the amount of time I put in working, how much time in life I miss out on, and how long it has been since I have had some time off. It seems Christmas has been the only day I've had off. Work is killing me and I have to troop on and keep going. I thought there would be some kind of change through these 2 years in my finances but I have not gotten anywhere. I am putting myself out of my misery and have already been seeking other employment and may have to give myself a break from one misery while knowing that there is a another kind of potential misery waiting at the regular W-9 employed type of job wherever it may be and however long it may last. …..The holidays weren't the greatest this year but I made it doable. I didn't put up the tree but bought some pretty red Poinsettias. They make a good long lasting indoor plant. I've yet to find flowers that last a little longer indoors. Although one movie was a movie I know I was wanting to watch, I think it added some ruin to Christmas day. I like a lot of "Queen's" songs, but the last thing I needed to see on Christmas was some gay man drama. I felt a little guilty for Mitzi but she was more glued to her 3rd tablet that I bought her. I don't like her having those but it keeps her off my personal phone and computer. She will go for whatever digital thing she can. ....My own personal drama. I can only repeat some of the same things I've already said. I'm Puddintane. I can't find accurate information or know what to believe on my own through isolating Bollywood communication. I'm tired of fighting the Bollywood drama or even trying to get into whatever real drama could be. I know there are a few men I can't deny but I'm both restless and tired. ….

Turn the Page

Fling fling fling. While a large majority of modern day women hate to take the cliché follow of being desperate, it's just natural to know we want to feel some greater sense of comfort and protection. Flings: you have times you were mistaken with some moments that were just temporary. So last week was another fling and the interest and feeling is gone. I might as well keep talking to you Blackbeard Bollywood. You might be mad at me, but I've got a pass to make at you that may end up being temporary too, but I just want to believe in you. Some women have called "Jesus," their boyfriend but it really isn't the same when I compare you to Christianity some. Like atheists make fun of Christians: "some people just want to have some peace of mind and something to believe in for purpose," I can just temporarily be made fun of with "you are someone I want to believe in and have peace of mind Blackbeard." Mind you, I have never been won with the god complex but maybe you have your seen signs and some sense of logical fears that wants to keep me the way you keep me along with the other numbers who have wanted to keep me the same WAY. I don't want my Bollywood sluttiness to ruin entirely what I have with you, but I think I can handle being made fun of with you are an eloped/imaginary/bollywood husband I want to believe in for my own comfort and peace of mind. I'm back on zoosk and I wished it was an outlet you would kill to care to reach me with in real life but there are still plenty of outlets where I would be just as fine if you met me in person. I have honestly never been in to beards. I wonder if you have cut it off and guised yourself just to wonder what I would think. I remember your actual hair being thick and slicked back. You looked a lot like Don Jr when he had his beard going on. He is an impossible guy who left a bad impression on me. He has a gang banging betrayal that adds to the despairing numbers of gang bang betrayal. While I have technically cheated on him in my real life "poor small woman," I hate that I feel he blinks at me without understanding the damage he has done, the way he had my life threatened, and still has my life threatened to this day WITHOUT RECOGNIZING IT. He wants to put on some kind of front and just be that ignorant towards me. You are someone I want to believe in blackbeard, and I don't want to make you feel too cheated with Jr. It's not always easy being isolated without having much of an ability to vent when I sincerely want to vent about something. (I get Butch tested all of the time, but there are times that I'm in the red more than others when I get tested or see signs). Some times there are some men I just can't ignore. Anyway Blackbeard, I'm tired and going to bed. goodnight hubby. love you too.

Ok Wawa, you get me good

You get me good in a lot of ways. In others, not as much. I'm not sure about the rest of the profiled arbitrage but you have a sensitivity amongst us both to a wild anger where you have some understanding. I don't like the way I know I'm still isolated and uncertain of some things. I don't like the way you want me to wait. I don't like the fear I feel with whatever sexual and relational history you could have. You are another terror to me and while you have some good sexual and emotional relief, you don't entirely have the emotional relief I am looking for. I have needed a serious break for someone who is a sold out loyal and fights for me and is on my side. I have needed a serious break from being betrayed. The ones who betray will not stop wanting me and wanting me to be outnumbered. Maybe you have a share with Bradly with the "shallow" song, but you just don't have enough of a cut to be a more trust worthy and loyal man. You seem half selfish and half sensitive. It matters so much to me to feel I have someone I can trust to a great extent and your extent of trust isn't the greatest. I do not like the way you want me to wait and live in the isolation. You are not even fucking here. You need to give me more of a relief than what you do.

Nothing New: Unknown Stockholms of Terror

There is a terrorizing abuse of power coming from somewhere (sometimes many places) but the one I am talking about on this occasion is as if SOME of my ridesharing calls are being regulated by an unknown entity. I would say the terror and abuse of power would be on whoever it is who controls the calls with very questionably paid actors with questionable names. I would hope that it would come from some wealthy bastard whether or not he gets the terrorist of a tyrant that he is rather than feel a most hopeless despair if it were coming from cops or the military who have no shame or sound judgment against the terrorism that it is. I believe it is intentional that someone wants to make me feel stalked, intruded, harassed, and groped (not touched literally, touched and tested in speech) in the worst way. They want me to feel defenseless in their terror. Some people can be guessable that I don't care to guess at. The ones that are most guessable are ones I still want nothing to do with but act as though they have credit anyway in being accepted and accepted in intrusion in my life. One of the most constant guilty acts of terror act as though their John A (my child's biological father). He always looks like he is in nothing but a constant desperate savage rage of dominance where he wants to play cop and boss me around and threaten me in the worst way. He acts like a Calvin who wants to test me and dog me where he rubs in how much of his Stockholm and terrorism he get to get away with. I don't know where this terror comes from and why other people look like they could be the paid actor and voice of someone. It is an unknown approach I can never trust. It is a defenseless one-sided gossip to my face where there are no outlets on my end where I am stockholmed and intruded on. Some is info, and some is intrusions and stalkings like they have me owned. I see these abusive acts of power as my lesser terrorist and I hate whoever keeps getting away with their abusive acts of power. It is no willing choice of mine.

Cisco: So I can't beat you at the snob contest yet

I think I'll start with the good before the bad... ~a little light headed and heart racing right now~ woo~ I just googled you. lol I haven't done tons of research as to whether or not you have a real life wife or girlfriend but it really made my heart skip a beat if you really were taken by someone else. Your accent is so adorable. And you in that black robe: so adorable. It was a video from two years ago. I've had a different English accent of you in my head so I'm upset that the voicing hasn't been accurate. I know what you sound like now. Mean translator. However the paranormal works... Whether I'm being tested by some creeper I know I don't want to know about, I'm keeping my focus on you..... I really had a different direction of conversation where I was going to go, but the sight and sound of you makes me a little more aloof and I forgot the half of what I was going to talk about with you. Last night. Did I get anything I was trying to say to you about "if you give a kid a piece of candy?" Cervelli, don't take it like that. Don't take it like I was trying to insult you like any man can take you for what you're worth and "I can understand why they would look over you". Don't take me like that. While I hate the song "In the Summertime," it is kind of along those lines of what I'm saying. You use a stereotype or the way other men have treated me against me, and the next men will use the way you treat me against me as well predictably speaking. Who knows, maybe another idealist will try hard in his own personal idealism. I honestly haven't planned on being an all out cheater right now really. It isn't fair that you won't ease my troubled mind enough in your snobbery or honest truth with how many women you could have, but I am easing your troubled mind anyway. There is no one else that I'm going to Cervelli. Strangers have the best odds but I haven't searched for any new strangers. I could a couple of months from now, but I'm just not over you or care to play any intentional rebound games. I really wanted to keep going long at the snob and silent contest and I still see you as mostly silent. Despite some signs, I can't see you as Jon or anyone else I should feel worried over my truth against (as some people have kept me worried with you could be compared to them). You stay silent to me like you don't want to make me feel anymore harassed or hurt than what you do. ...I am an actions speak louder than words kind of person. While you have some way of being kind to me in the mind and are good with me; you are still ultimately my real life snob. You blocked me on twitter and you have not made anymore further effort to communicate to me in real life. It matters to me and I still have a sob in the back of my throat. I hate my life will always seem to be in the same status quo. I really tried to beat you with my silence and snobbery but nothing is over until it is over. I can't promise and can't not promise more conversation. I honestly don't have a lot to talk about right now and see how impossible it is to have further to talk about. I guess I thought I would try to clarify that I wasn't meaning to offend you (and sorry if I further offend you with "In the Summertime," song along with Jack White's "We can't afford to look this cheap." But, my feelings are hurt too. They really are. It isn't even that you have to literally treat me to an expensive meal. I need the normal and real life relationship. You make me feel so wanted and then you make me feel so rejected the next minute with whatever you think is so wrong with me that would never see me or be seen with me in person. You leave me no other choice than to assume you are keeping me snubbed and there must be something wrong with me. You still have too much of an unfair dominance. You really could have the best of intentions of wanting to protect me, but I'm so uneasy for the way you would be in fear against me. I want to feel protected the other way where I won't feel denied or disowned by you. While you have your silence for me; you still make me guess at how much of an enemy you are to me. ….

Random Thoughts

While I feel I live through some of the same bullshit turmoil in feeling ignored, misaligned, and taken in the worst intentional wrong way with some people, I have a few things good going on... I'm glad I can be mostly happy with my job and am making decent money and that it has recently gotten better with some bonuses that are giving me a boost. I'm so excited for my interior decoration of seat covers to come in the mail soon. I thought "fuck more of a professionally cut look, I'm going with the pimped out leopard print." Personal customization is such a privilege and joy. It was a project on the back burner, but I got a little shopper happy and put it ahead of the line a little. I will finally be able to afford my updated eye exam too to get another bigger priority out of the way. I still feel behind and like I should have more free time and a stash of cash, but I still have many projects to invest in..... I have a couple of upcoming craft events which I am excited for. Shelf space will not feel wasted or missed out on this year although I wasn't able to try and participate in many new events that I would have wanted to. I was going to go to one this Saturday which was my actual first festival that I started with years ago but it looks like more rain. I just won't be able to withstand the misery of the weather. So, unless weather predictions miraculously change, I probably will have to skip this one. I don't have as much of a new inventory as I wanted because I have hardly had the time to make anything throughout this past year, but I still have a good bit of inventory from years gone by. I should be working on some right now, but I feel the need to just write about random things. Speaking of hobbies, Mitzi had her first girl scout meeting and things look exciting and fun in this next coming year. I don't know enough people to figure out how I will be of any help with fundraising but I could offer some of my passengers some cookies when spring rolls around. lol. I havn't got around to looking for a church yet because there are just too many weekend bonuses with lyft and uber and I am always out late on Saturdays. I at least got Mitzi involved in one thing outside of school. Me, tomorrow is my second night of Bingo. I enjoy it when I'm not stressed over bills and can have the time for it. This past week went good enough where I can go and not feel guilty that I could be making more money with my Bingo time...…. I don't know what I'm going to say to whatever next heart Dr. I get this time. I'm going to just blink and have some brief talk about my health and bullshit I talked to some random person at the bar who says that some heart "flutters or fibrilations" are due to nuclear power or waves (and as much as I would want to say I feel I strongly believe the nuclear waves are intentionally and paranormally caused from a trigger pull from a wealthy person who wants to buy my death) I can only blink "some kind of nuclear power, yeah." "help me." I didn't have the chest pain, but I could feel my heart internally beating so hard in ways that are not normal. I cried the another night when my atrial flutter/fibrillation or however it is defined started happening when I was driving and when I was laying in bed right before another paranormal happening. I don't want to die. The thought of leaving Mitzi behind and alone to face the world is what makes me cry the most. I can't stand the thought of her being forced into any more pain of vulnerability and a disadvantage. I really wish I could know a godparent to pick who would love to raise her as their own. I can't stand the thought of her going with the grandparents or aunt and uncle. I hate death scares. I hate them. I hate them. I hate them. I go back to living every day life like life will always be the same every day life...…….

Grateful for the Distraction

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