Cookies for Yannis

Yannis, this feels like this is at a pen pal level right now. It's ok and not ok. I have a lot on my plate right now and don't get to have a lot of time anyway. It's funny that even when I'm on a literal dating website, there are people on there who have their own time limit and say "I'm not looking for a pen pal, if you don't want to meet me, leave me be." I know I've always said that to my bollywoods and I just think its funny that people say the same things on dating websites. So, I havn't told you much about myself, it's mostly been stories, but I'll tell you a little. What I do for work: Right now mostly ride-sharing with Lyft and Uber. I used to do those only full-time but have picked up a couple of other side jobs, like doing laundry and tutoring online. I have also gone back to school for a certification in Medical Billing and Coding. I'm just ready for that career change and am hoping to have an at home job (something I've always envied for as an uber driver). Ride sharing isn't too bad. I love how much of a free schedule it is in choosing my own hours. I'm also looking to make a couple of major life changes in the next year or so. I plan on moving into a new home and am unsure if I am going to stay in the same area. Not sure where else to live right now... I'm a single mother of one and wanting another. Like I said, I have a lot on my plate right now and life can be so stressful sometimes. I've had some bad insomnia this past week ~pout~ I take meds for that too and even a strong dose. I just can't stand not getting enough rest and sleep. It adds to my anxiety and other negative feelings. It isn't easy being a single mom at my age. The Beatles have been a long term favorite band of mine, but right now, they are very good inspiration. I love the lyrics to "Silly Love Song." There just aren't enough hippies in the world. There aren't enough hippies who are real hippies either. Some people are all talk. They say they believe in peace and love but will make you feel either extremely uncomfortable or kidnapped. The Beatles are the man. If a person doesn't claim to be a hippy, they would most likely be the ones to make fun. The Beatles deserve to be compared to more than a Disney cartoon as Frozen but it reminds me of Anna on Frozen. What would life be like if they never had Anna punching Kevin at the end of the movie? It is why it is Disney and there is more misfits like me in the real world. I don't think I always come across as one of the most welcoming and friendly kind of people, but I have been called Naive before. What is so wrong with Silly love songs? The Beatles wouldn't understand either. I'm not entirely looking at you like your Kevin, Yannis. I'm just saying I like to feel relaxed and with a genuine peaceful hippy love. I don't like to be around egotistical competition, I like to be able to be more open and the person I'm with to want to feel comfortably open too.

Dear Yannis

I am sorry for both you and I that this is still the only option of communication. If it remains too much of a problem with you, then you will have to construct some other type of method of communication because I just don't have any other ideas. So, this is actually a short one. How do you really feel right now Yannis? I'm already on meds for anxiety but anxious is what I feel. I have some positive feeling but not a lot of energy for a lot of conversation. I think adults can still party but I'm too old to get out as much as I used to. Besides law being typical laws with labels, stereotypes, and profiles, I'm just not law. I drink some but am drug free. Proudly drug free. ... ... Besides laws and profiles, I show a very humble door of a home-ier opportunity. I could picture myself being warm and comforting with Shania Twain's "I won't leave you lonely," tonight song. I don't feel much of a discriminate or prejudice knife, but if you do mean to discriminate and be prejudiced against me, you keep your mouth closed, do not force another lie on me, and politely close the door. After years and years, I still don't know what to do about the communication issue.

Dear Yannis

Another letter. While you could have been playing another mindgame with me: "Am I the Ukranian or Russian," I feel swayed and pulled that I'm the Ukranian and you want me to come on to you more. This prison letter was a little delayed; I was in an own pause and block of not quite knowing what to say next... Anyhoo, Sometimes I feel I should make certain copy and paste blog letters. Right now, the Bollywood issue and the way it has always been overlooked and VERY UNSAID on the man's end. I do compare some feelings with Jon Secada's song, "Just Another Day," after sticking with the same Bollywood man for sometime, but it really is a reason I feel damaged. I still feel wanted but I wonder if a man has ever felt the same burned feelings as I do: what is the hold up? (It is terrible and painful when a man ignores signs and words I give, but of course it hurts when they have to let theirself have the dominate hand and will never understand the feeling it is with: what is the hold up? It is a law of my own I can't avoid.You can't keep a woman isolated and alone too long. It's an area I'll feel a victim to a lie, cannibalism, or overpowering gossip or laws the most. I hate the insecurity stab more than anyone and how much more of a poison is in it: trash a room and paint the garbage thrower on my hands. It is a very painful kill I tell you. This is 3 laws you get out of me: 1. don't let anyone else touch me. 2. Don't blame me when I do have natural and my own sense of reason insecurity. 3. I think I meant it be law 2 but I forget the other law I was going to say.... Yannis, you've been in my mind often the in the past week or two and it is something I will let you know. I just may not be up to the game you want me to be up to and it wouldn't be fair to me if you led yourself on in a way then get mad at me or make me feel like I've had to pay the bigger price because you could want to make it cost my reputation, stability, or strength all the more. Your profile: A very hot mid 30s rockstar. Right now, I don't entirely mind your comeon's although I question how much of a gunshot you could have meant to put in me. You seem to deny a will to wound. law law law, just because just because just because I want you, doesn't mean you shouldn't watch it with your own come ons. I hope your not the type that uses or holds a woman's sex against herself like that.....

Dear Yannis

I might eventually muster posting this blog to your twitter but I just feel the isolation where I can only speak out loud in a cage like you are listening anyway. Not officially face to face. That's right, it is a different game and you don't fool me foal. ~wink~ So, it is like you want to draw a circle to my face. It isn't I that wants to damn myself to the title of a one-night-stand. If I were to hunt you or go wild on you, my mission is that it is to hunt your law law law rules rules rules. I could see myself hawking the laws to your actions and going into detail with one thing or another in mockery, disrespect, or heckling you like you don't get what you somewhat initially do. If we are to be a child about it, "Then why do you bother?!" I'm just not my damnation or law forcer is what I'm trying to say. I do think you have a very nice intensity in the "In Degrees" song. I heard a song on the radio today that reminded me of one common dogma I have with the song "Hard Time," by Seinabo Sey. I don't feel the intensity to the song with you with the "In Degrees" song in particular and don't intend to cause confusion. It's not that I don't find myself with no potential to those intense feelings. I wasn't going to assume much to happen with you, and with any man, it's not the best feeling to feel such an intense rejection with your own degree of having to have it YOUR WAY. You are a song of a minion. A man who wasn't the cause but has the most of a clue. I feel isolated but not alone.... I don't mean to jab your ego when I say you aren't the cause to the emotion. You are an attractive stranger who still has some mystery. I don't understand why you would just keep drawing a circle. If that's the picture you mean to make of yourself, I bounce ON YOU back with a making fun of you "law law law law."

No You Don't you Pirate of a Pirate!

I'm not too surprised another guy wants to manipulate me in one way or another. You have the kidnapping on me and are using my silence against me! YOU HAVE MY LOUD MOUTH NOW! Fine, I'll talk. I have a serious bias against bollywood, celebrities, the rich and the famous. I gave up on all of the above a long time ago AND WHILE YOU STILL WANT TO USE ME FOR SOME REASON IN SOME WAY OR ANOTHER, the joke will still always be on me. I'm fed up and I'm tired of always being your underdog and your victim to push around. I remember one of your emails awhile back and remember you ripping on me in ways I hate being ripped on. I took it personally silently. I've already said anything I've had to say and have already been a broken record. In a more specific way with a specific person: you are too young for me and you are going to ignorantly take too much from me. I didn't even see your marriage status and don't want to know. I bet you would typically be more attracted to a younger woman and after I feel I'm already being used and robbed, you would still want to make me try too hard. Don't take my "Me Before You," "Will Trainor," in your worst way either with : "I'm the one who says and makes myself incapable." YOU AREN'T FAIR WITH ME AND I'VE KNOWN IT! Yes you do make me incapable! And I bet you will be a smart ass with that with something along the lines of "you can't and won't do nothing!" I'm just saying, no you don't put the kidnapper on me.

Random Thoughts, Major Shift Changes

So much has gone on in the past several months. I still don't have much of a social life, and although I don't like feelings of loneliness some days, I enjoy it other days and it feels a certain un-namable privelage. Life with Mitzi and work has been very dramatic though. Life with Mitzi especially. I had two instances where she was gone for long periods of time due to babysitting inconveniences. Finding somewhere or someone isn't always easy and I'm hoping I can last my present place I have found for her. I'm glad she enjoys it, but it is a little pricey. She's worth every penny. ~ The whole situation with that and school is a struggle. I still don't even know which 2 days she will be in school. I like knowing a schedule ahead of time. It's how the whole coronavirus is with so many things: you can barely make as many solid plans for anything. ... While I see a nice porsche from time to time on the road, I let myself gloat a little gloat anyway for my brand new 2020 Kia Forte. It is recent major news in my personal life. I got my new ride 2 weeks ago. It's my first brand new never been used car. It is silver and has a sporty look to it. I am satisfied. It inspires me to work my other part time jobs more because I cringe every time I know I'm adding significant mileage to my car but I still do the ridesharing anyway. With my other jobs, there is just some gratitude that I have no other choice than to have. I hope I can keep giving a little money to some charities, because life changes can happen in an instant, and I could be on the other worst end of recieving and being a most anxious jobless grief-stricken person. I'm already anxious enough as it is with some grief. I already can't take some things life gives me. I feel like I have too many jobs right now, but it is what works for me. It is an inconvenience with taxes and other paper work, but it prevents burn out and it is nice to make my own schedule. I recently trained for an additional new job of a stay at home type I was wanting the most and hope I havn't completely missed my opportunity. I have my personal technical computer issued and while my headset was working with one app, it wasn't working with another. I was supposed to officially start this weekend and havn't heard back from them and hope I hear from them on Monday. I would hate the thought of time being wasted and go through a whole new search and training at another place if they don't help me with the technical issues more. It sounds like people just have to wait until a later time until they can start, rather than entirely miss the job. I was starting to get my mindset on a new schedule and plans and wouldn't it be more convenient than anything to work a job like that! The only downfall is, is that it is not instant money like the half of my jobs are. I have to wait for the pay, but at least I wouldn't worry as much in not having an ability to work, if I were to have babysitting or car issues, but I shouldn't have to worry about car issues for awhile. It was a little sad to see my Ford Escape go. I hadn't driven that thing in 6 months and once the mechanic jump-started it, he was actually able to drive away. I let him know how bad of a steering problem it had, but he managed. .........Love life.. The older male nurse. There was a lot of mystery there; some wasn't. I'm still in the getting-over-him stage. It's like he got to have his satisfaction, while I could only feel shattered. Not a juvenile bully satisfaction but this knowing he has a little piece of my heart but just doesn't have the full understanding of the way he made me feel shattered and damaged. He wants to say he had a false understanding somewhere while I'm the one with a false hope. However that arbitrage was supposed to be. I thought he was a male nurse who already had an understanding, a better emotional intelligence and common sense, but he is another man who really lets me down and fails me. How could he make me feel so regarded and then so forgotten? For a good period of time, I've just been to mad and upset to say much of another word and I've finally let myself say my anger. When I cried so hard, I knew I had to get over him and he was someone I know I didn't want to get over. Men in general are just too mean to me and have such a terrible and biased perspective against me and I will always feel bullied and betrayed in some ways or another. It is like some intentionally get sent by a conquestial bastard pig whom the bastard pig would know they would want to control me with his final say too. Suicide pushes are so brutally mean. ..... People who trick me into thinking they are someone else and especially a controlling way it feels some men intentionally want to outnumber to trick me to feel molested and punished or battered for their rules and games or revenge or whatever reason is a reason I just don't care to look around for anyone. It's harder and harder to be motivated for a relationship all the time because it is like I'm always going to run into the same joker or clown who will never say what the fuck his actual problem with me is. ..The Pirates baseball team. The poor pirates who havn't given me too much of a reason for me to give them too much of a hard time. With the exception of a couple reasons, they havn't given me much of a reason that I'm aware of, but nobody has ever had a sensitive understanding of my history to begin with to understand why I would give anyone a hard time. With the exception of Francisco's Matrix "Architect." I just didn't like that I never knew where he came from (not literally speaking) and that I've always had to worry where some people come from because it seems their main objective is, to protect a dominant say or kill. He had a nice way with me in some instances and I couldn't say he was the worst I've been cheated with and he had a little bit of more normal way of making me feel cheated BUT FAIR WAS STILL FAR FROM BEING FAIR ENOUGH WITH HIS BOLLYWOOD. It is just the expectation some bollywood men have. I think I was over him more before he was with some random blond woman I don't know, but because I know I won't be the expectation to bollywood, I can't expect anything from a bollywood either. It is just unfair to be thrown into a drama like that to be led on to have an expectation I will be let down. He led me on anyway for whatever reason.... There is one particular Pirate I recently have some interest for (have some wonder with others. I still feel a little shot down -too old type amongst other reasons) and I still can't hold back my hesitancy. With the Pirates, there is so much about truth and history I don't know and may be better off not knowing and not having to know much about anybody. I wonder about the guilty by association with Tony. There are a lot of men named "Tony," but if there is a relation to a particular Tony, the guilty by association is not good. Tony is another man who has a dominate say that I know I refuse and despise. Tony is plain mean. The association to be some minion of Tony is not good. I need a hippy kind of man who won't be undermining, bullying, and chauvenistic. I need to not feel so alone in this world. And the fact that bollywood is still bollywood and I hate how much I keep and will keep keeping on repeating myself and how everything isn't right or fair.

Whale Talk: I hate the undertaker and the ways I get cornered

I hate saying what I have to say at a time like this: Shame shame on threats and blackmails. White people blackmail too AND WHILE I ONCE AGAIN GET TAKEN OUT OF CONTEXT AND TAKEN WITH WHATEVER WAY A BUTCH WANTS TO HAVE ME WITH; I GET TAKEN OUT OF CONTEXT AND THREATENED WITH BLACKMAIL AGAIN. SILENCE CAN BE TAKEN IN MANY WAYS AND YOU RUINED WHAT WAS MORE INNOCENT A MYSTERY YOU COULD HAVE HAD, HAD YOU NOT BLACKMAILED ME. It's not even that I ever saw myself in a relationship. This is a forced agenda that I have no other choice to defend myself and you lose me. I HATE WHEN ANY MAN THREATENS MY SILENCE AND MY MOTHER NATURE PERIOD. THAT'S WHAT I GET FOR NOT GETTING SUBJECTED TO WHATEVER ANY ONE WANTS TO THINK OR TEST. So, I was a stripper for 3 years and still live in some sexual freedom to this day AND EVEN DURING AND BEFORE THEN, NOT EVERYTHING WAS MEANT TO BE SEXUAL. I want to make a sincere gesture of comfort to black people in a general way, AND DESPITE WHETHER OR NOT IT IS A LIE THAT THE ACTUAL SINGER OF THE BLACK PUMAS WOULD WANT ME TO TAKE ME LIKE THAT, THERE IS STILL AN UNDERTAKER WANTING TO BLACKMAIL ME LIKE THAT. DID I NOT JUT SAY YESTERDAY THAT SOMEONE WAS WANTING TO HAVE A FORCEFUL AGENDA AND THEY DON'T UNDERSTAND MY BEING AND ARE RUDE TO MY SENSE OF BEING? DID YOU NOT SEE THAT AS SOME RESPONSE? Millions of ways Butch has always wanted to force me to pay some price for his undertaker. Worse gossiping scene is: I was meaning to be the most sexual, meaning to be a homewrecker, meaning to seriously hurt whoever the singer's woman was. ON TOP OF NOT JUST THE GOSSIP IS THE JUDGMENTAL EXECUTION WHERE I SHOULD BE PUNISHED, ENSLAVED, AND BLACKMAILED WITH WHOEVER MAKES ME UP, AND THEN WITH MY IMAGINARY BOYFRIEND -MIND YOU SOME KIND OF RELATIONSHIP- GETS JEAPORDIZED WITH THE GOSSIP AS WELL. BUTCH GETS AWAY WITH HIS MADE UP STUFF ALL OF THE TIME. ..........If none of this is of the Black Puma's singer's doing, I have a slight apology but he needs to blame Butch or even his self for wanting to be an undertaker like that. If any one must know, I have been a fan to their music and really like some of their songs. I never even knew what the singer looked like until I post the song and hold hands with the song, and I personally think he is good looking with talent. But now, I'm taken aback (not that I made a forward pass) because of Butch's undertaker. Do I have to feel an awkward fan even? Can I no longer appreciate the music because of this whale crash?