Random Thoughts, Major Shift Changes

So much has gone on in the past several months. I still don't have much of a social life, and although I don't like feelings of loneliness some days, I enjoy it other days and it feels a certain un-namable privelage. Life with Mitzi and work has been very dramatic though. Life with Mitzi especially. I had two instances where she was gone for long periods of time due to babysitting inconveniences. Finding somewhere or someone isn't always easy and I'm hoping I can last my present place I have found for her. I'm glad she enjoys it, but it is a little pricey. She's worth every penny. ~ The whole situation with that and school is a struggle. I still don't even know which 2 days she will be in school. I like knowing a schedule ahead of time. It's how the whole coronavirus is with so many things: you can barely make as many solid plans for anything. ... While I see a nice porsche from time to time on the road, I let myself gloat a little gloat anyway for my brand new 2020 Kia Forte. It is recent major news in my personal life. I got my new ride 2 weeks ago. It's my first brand new never been used car. It is silver and has a sporty look to it. I am satisfied. It inspires me to work my other part time jobs more because I cringe every time I know I'm adding significant mileage to my car but I still do the ridesharing anyway. With my other jobs, there is just some gratitude that I have no other choice than to have. I hope I can keep giving a little money to some charities, because life changes can happen in an instant, and I could be on the other worst end of recieving and being a most anxious jobless grief-stricken person. I'm already anxious enough as it is with some grief. I already can't take some things life gives me. I feel like I have too many jobs right now, but it is what works for me. It is an inconvenience with taxes and other paper work, but it prevents burn out and it is nice to make my own schedule. I recently trained for an additional new job of a stay at home type I was wanting the most and hope I havn't completely missed my opportunity. I have my personal technical computer issued and while my headset was working with one app, it wasn't working with another. I was supposed to officially start this weekend and havn't heard back from them and hope I hear from them on Monday. I would hate the thought of time being wasted and go through a whole new search and training at another place if they don't help me with the technical issues more. It sounds like people just have to wait until a later time until they can start, rather than entirely miss the job. I was starting to get my mindset on a new schedule and plans and wouldn't it be more convenient than anything to work a job like that! The only downfall is, is that it is not instant money like the half of my jobs are. I have to wait for the pay, but at least I wouldn't worry as much in not having an ability to work, if I were to have babysitting or car issues, but I shouldn't have to worry about car issues for awhile. It was a little sad to see my Ford Escape go. I hadn't driven that thing in 6 months and once the mechanic jump-started it, he was actually able to drive away. I let him know how bad of a steering problem it had, but he managed. .........Love life.. The older male nurse. There was a lot of mystery there; some wasn't. I'm still in the getting-over-him stage. It's like he got to have his satisfaction, while I could only feel shattered. Not a juvenile bully satisfaction but this knowing he has a little piece of my heart but just doesn't have the full understanding of the way he made me feel shattered and damaged. He wants to say he had a false understanding somewhere while I'm the one with a false hope. However that arbitrage was supposed to be. I thought he was a male nurse who already had an understanding, a better emotional intelligence and common sense, but he is another man who really lets me down and fails me. How could he make me feel so regarded and then so forgotten? For a good period of time, I've just been to mad and upset to say much of another word and I've finally let myself say my anger. When I cried so hard, I knew I had to get over him and he was someone I know I didn't want to get over. Men in general are just too mean to me and have such a terrible and biased perspective against me and I will always feel bullied and betrayed in some ways or another. It is like some intentionally get sent by a conquestial bastard pig whom the bastard pig would know they would want to control me with his final say too. Suicide pushes are so brutally mean. ..... People who trick me into thinking they are someone else and especially a controlling way it feels some men intentionally want to outnumber to trick me to feel molested and punished or battered for their rules and games or revenge or whatever reason is a reason I just don't care to look around for anyone. It's harder and harder to be motivated for a relationship all the time because it is like I'm always going to run into the same joker or clown who will never say what the fuck his actual problem with me is. ..The Pirates baseball team. The poor pirates who havn't given me too much of a reason for me to give them too much of a hard time. With the exception of a couple reasons, they havn't given me much of a reason that I'm aware of, but nobody has ever had a sensitive understanding of my history to begin with to understand why I would give anyone a hard time. With the exception of Francisco's Matrix "Architect." I just didn't like that I never knew where he came from (not literally speaking) and that I've always had to worry where some people come from because it seems their main objective is, to protect a dominant say or kill. He had a nice way with me in some instances and I couldn't say he was the worst I've been cheated with and he had a little bit of more normal way of making me feel cheated BUT FAIR WAS STILL FAR FROM BEING FAIR ENOUGH WITH HIS BOLLYWOOD. It is just the expectation some bollywood men have. I think I was over him more before he was with some random blond woman I don't know, but because I know I won't be the expectation to bollywood, I can't expect anything from a bollywood either. It is just unfair to be thrown into a drama like that to be led on to have an expectation I will be let down. He led me on anyway for whatever reason.... There is one particular Pirate I recently have some interest for (have some wonder with others. I still feel a little shot down -too old type amongst other reasons) and I still can't hold back my hesitancy. With the Pirates, there is so much about truth and history I don't know and may be better off not knowing and not having to know much about anybody. I wonder about the guilty by association with Tony. There are a lot of men named "Tony," but if there is a relation to a particular Tony, the guilty by association is not good. Tony is another man who has a dominate say that I know I refuse and despise. Tony is plain mean. The association to be some minion of Tony is not good. I need a hippy kind of man who won't be undermining, bullying, and chauvenistic. I need to not feel so alone in this world. And the fact that bollywood is still bollywood and I hate how much I keep and will keep keeping on repeating myself and how everything isn't right or fair.