No You Don't you Pirate of a Pirate!

I'm not too surprised another guy wants to manipulate me in one way or another. You have the kidnapping on me and are using my silence against me! YOU HAVE MY LOUD MOUTH NOW! Fine, I'll talk. I have a serious bias against bollywood, celebrities, the rich and the famous. I gave up on all of the above a long time ago AND WHILE YOU STILL WANT TO USE ME FOR SOME REASON IN SOME WAY OR ANOTHER, the joke will still always be on me. I'm fed up and I'm tired of always being your underdog and your victim to push around. I remember one of your emails awhile back and remember you ripping on me in ways I hate being ripped on. I took it personally silently. I've already said anything I've had to say and have already been a broken record. In a more specific way with a specific person: you are too young for me and you are going to ignorantly take too much from me. I didn't even see your marriage status and don't want to know. I bet you would typically be more attracted to a younger woman and after I feel I'm already being used and robbed, you would still want to make me try too hard. Don't take my "Me Before You," "Will Trainor," in your worst way either with : "I'm the one who says and makes myself incapable." YOU AREN'T FAIR WITH ME AND I'VE KNOWN IT! Yes you do make me incapable! And I bet you will be a smart ass with that with something along the lines of "you can't and won't do nothing!" I'm just saying, no you don't put the kidnapper on me.

Random Thoughts, Major Shift Changes

So much has gone on in the past several months. I still don't have much of a social life, and although I don't like feelings of loneliness some days, I enjoy it other days and it feels a certain un-namable privelage. Life with Mitzi and work has been very dramatic though. Life with Mitzi especially. I had two instances where she was gone for long periods of time due to babysitting inconveniences. Finding somewhere or someone isn't always easy and I'm hoping I can last my present place I have found for her. I'm glad she enjoys it, but it is a little pricey. She's worth every penny. ~ The whole situation with that and school is a struggle. I still don't even know which 2 days she will be in school. I like knowing a schedule ahead of time. It's how the whole coronavirus is with so many things: you can barely make as many solid plans for anything. ... While I see a nice porsche from time to time on the road, I let myself gloat a little gloat anyway for my brand new 2020 Kia Forte. It is recent major news in my personal life. I got my new ride 2 weeks ago. It's my first brand new never been used car. It is silver and has a sporty look to it. I am satisfied. It inspires me to work my other part time jobs more because I cringe every time I know I'm adding significant mileage to my car but I still do the ridesharing anyway. With my other jobs, there is just some gratitude that I have no other choice than to have. I hope I can keep giving a little money to some charities, because life changes can happen in an instant, and I could be on the other worst end of recieving and being a most anxious jobless grief-stricken person. I'm already anxious enough as it is with some grief. I already can't take some things life gives me. I feel like I have too many jobs right now, but it is what works for me. It is an inconvenience with taxes and other paper work, but it prevents burn out and it is nice to make my own schedule. I recently trained for an additional new job of a stay at home type I was wanting the most and hope I havn't completely missed my opportunity. I have my personal technical computer issued and while my headset was working with one app, it wasn't working with another. I was supposed to officially start this weekend and havn't heard back from them and hope I hear from them on Monday. I would hate the thought of time being wasted and go through a whole new search and training at another place if they don't help me with the technical issues more. It sounds like people just have to wait until a later time until they can start, rather than entirely miss the job. I was starting to get my mindset on a new schedule and plans and wouldn't it be more convenient than anything to work a job like that! The only downfall is, is that it is not instant money like the half of my jobs are. I have to wait for the pay, but at least I wouldn't worry as much in not having an ability to work, if I were to have babysitting or car issues, but I shouldn't have to worry about car issues for awhile. It was a little sad to see my Ford Escape go. I hadn't driven that thing in 6 months and once the mechanic jump-started it, he was actually able to drive away. I let him know how bad of a steering problem it had, but he managed. .........Love life.. The older male nurse. There was a lot of mystery there; some wasn't. I'm still in the getting-over-him stage. It's like he got to have his satisfaction, while I could only feel shattered. Not a juvenile bully satisfaction but this knowing he has a little piece of my heart but just doesn't have the full understanding of the way he made me feel shattered and damaged. He wants to say he had a false understanding somewhere while I'm the one with a false hope. However that arbitrage was supposed to be. I thought he was a male nurse who already had an understanding, a better emotional intelligence and common sense, but he is another man who really lets me down and fails me. How could he make me feel so regarded and then so forgotten? For a good period of time, I've just been to mad and upset to say much of another word and I've finally let myself say my anger. When I cried so hard, I knew I had to get over him and he was someone I know I didn't want to get over. Men in general are just too mean to me and have such a terrible and biased perspective against me and I will always feel bullied and betrayed in some ways or another. It is like some intentionally get sent by a conquestial bastard pig whom the bastard pig would know they would want to control me with his final say too. Suicide pushes are so brutally mean. ..... People who trick me into thinking they are someone else and especially a controlling way it feels some men intentionally want to outnumber to trick me to feel molested and punished or battered for their rules and games or revenge or whatever reason is a reason I just don't care to look around for anyone. It's harder and harder to be motivated for a relationship all the time because it is like I'm always going to run into the same joker or clown who will never say what the fuck his actual problem with me is. ..The Pirates baseball team. The poor pirates who havn't given me too much of a reason for me to give them too much of a hard time. With the exception of a couple reasons, they havn't given me much of a reason that I'm aware of, but nobody has ever had a sensitive understanding of my history to begin with to understand why I would give anyone a hard time. With the exception of Francisco's Matrix "Architect." I just didn't like that I never knew where he came from (not literally speaking) and that I've always had to worry where some people come from because it seems their main objective is, to protect a dominant say or kill. He had a nice way with me in some instances and I couldn't say he was the worst I've been cheated with and he had a little bit of more normal way of making me feel cheated BUT FAIR WAS STILL FAR FROM BEING FAIR ENOUGH WITH HIS BOLLYWOOD. It is just the expectation some bollywood men have. I think I was over him more before he was with some random blond woman I don't know, but because I know I won't be the expectation to bollywood, I can't expect anything from a bollywood either. It is just unfair to be thrown into a drama like that to be led on to have an expectation I will be let down. He led me on anyway for whatever reason.... There is one particular Pirate I recently have some interest for (have some wonder with others. I still feel a little shot down -too old type amongst other reasons) and I still can't hold back my hesitancy. With the Pirates, there is so much about truth and history I don't know and may be better off not knowing and not having to know much about anybody. I wonder about the guilty by association with Tony. There are a lot of men named "Tony," but if there is a relation to a particular Tony, the guilty by association is not good. Tony is another man who has a dominate say that I know I refuse and despise. Tony is plain mean. The association to be some minion of Tony is not good. I need a hippy kind of man who won't be undermining, bullying, and chauvenistic. I need to not feel so alone in this world. And the fact that bollywood is still bollywood and I hate how much I keep and will keep keeping on repeating myself and how everything isn't right or fair.

Whale Talk: I hate the undertaker and the ways I get cornered

I hate saying what I have to say at a time like this: Shame shame on threats and blackmails. White people blackmail too AND WHILE I ONCE AGAIN GET TAKEN OUT OF CONTEXT AND TAKEN WITH WHATEVER WAY A BUTCH WANTS TO HAVE ME WITH; I GET TAKEN OUT OF CONTEXT AND THREATENED WITH BLACKMAIL AGAIN. SILENCE CAN BE TAKEN IN MANY WAYS AND YOU RUINED WHAT WAS MORE INNOCENT A MYSTERY YOU COULD HAVE HAD, HAD YOU NOT BLACKMAILED ME. It's not even that I ever saw myself in a relationship. This is a forced agenda that I have no other choice to defend myself and you lose me. I HATE WHEN ANY MAN THREATENS MY SILENCE AND MY MOTHER NATURE PERIOD. THAT'S WHAT I GET FOR NOT GETTING SUBJECTED TO WHATEVER ANY ONE WANTS TO THINK OR TEST. So, I was a stripper for 3 years and still live in some sexual freedom to this day AND EVEN DURING AND BEFORE THEN, NOT EVERYTHING WAS MEANT TO BE SEXUAL. I want to make a sincere gesture of comfort to black people in a general way, AND DESPITE WHETHER OR NOT IT IS A LIE THAT THE ACTUAL SINGER OF THE BLACK PUMAS WOULD WANT ME TO TAKE ME LIKE THAT, THERE IS STILL AN UNDERTAKER WANTING TO BLACKMAIL ME LIKE THAT. DID I NOT JUT SAY YESTERDAY THAT SOMEONE WAS WANTING TO HAVE A FORCEFUL AGENDA AND THEY DON'T UNDERSTAND MY BEING AND ARE RUDE TO MY SENSE OF BEING? DID YOU NOT SEE THAT AS SOME RESPONSE? Millions of ways Butch has always wanted to force me to pay some price for his undertaker. Worse gossiping scene is: I was meaning to be the most sexual, meaning to be a homewrecker, meaning to seriously hurt whoever the singer's woman was. ON TOP OF NOT JUST THE GOSSIP IS THE JUDGMENTAL EXECUTION WHERE I SHOULD BE PUNISHED, ENSLAVED, AND BLACKMAILED WITH WHOEVER MAKES ME UP, AND THEN WITH MY IMAGINARY BOYFRIEND -MIND YOU SOME KIND OF RELATIONSHIP- GETS JEAPORDIZED WITH THE GOSSIP AS WELL. BUTCH GETS AWAY WITH HIS MADE UP STUFF ALL OF THE TIME. ..........If none of this is of the Black Puma's singer's doing, I have a slight apology but he needs to blame Butch or even his self for wanting to be an undertaker like that. If any one must know, I have been a fan to their music and really like some of their songs. I never even knew what the singer looked like until I post the song and hold hands with the song, and I personally think he is good looking with talent. But now, I'm taken aback (not that I made a forward pass) because of Butch's undertaker. Do I have to feel an awkward fan even? Can I no longer appreciate the music because of this whale crash?

Gibberish and volumes

I bet an old man can still beat me up if he wanted to. But a significantly younger person just can't be the victim to the elder. pow pow. And I didn't want to be the one to take any kill or pain. (maybe I have and I may still have to). Besides knowing I can't win with some factors, I'll give some to knowing there are things I know I don't want to know and would hurt me to know. To one big bad bollywood.... Another bollywood is on the fence of "criminal." I don't know his age but he looks on the older side. This one is a local and I believe he has a serious inclination he was being looked at by me. We are at a distance barking back and forth and it is another bollywood situation I don't like, especially when I have to sit there and blink until he gets he needs to be a little more clear or know what it means to have actual action. There is a messenger there though and while I saw one sign, I refused to look at the ad of the messenger. I stay mad at his complex, the regulation, and the way he doesn't reach me on his own.... While I see some signs that he means to be safe, I don't like a recent sign and still won't know if it is the messenger to blame or him to blame, but if he would have reached me on his own, an exploitive messenger wouldn't be there to begin with. I feel sadistically provoked. .... I've had a number of zoosk dates that have turned out to be disasters. The last one several months ago was definitely horrible. I hate how all the more damned I feel with isolation and my attempts of searching when the odds of the search are against me. Jealousy comes in many forms and many are too vain to admit or come close to seeing their jealousy. But when you bring up jealousy, a person can put a hunt or manipulation on anything to call it jealousy. I get so livid when I'm on a date and have a feeling or knowing that I'm more than hunted, stalked, and envied, but being played in an unfair and cut throat way. Doesn't a person get they should look like they care or want to care? Don't they at least want the person you are with to GENUINLY AND SINCERELY feel comfortable and open and doesn't he himself want to feel comfortable and open? I feel I get so man-hunted and hated to my face that I can't stand to be publicly faced like that. Of course this feeds the flame to their push of "this is why there is bollywood," when they won't even get they are the reason to the problem. But most man-hunters play stupid in the worst way like its always going to be a wrestling match to see who can push the other out of the circle first with who is at the butt end in being called "jealous" or "insecure," .... "Huh? I'm a stalker? I'm not attacking you! What's your problem? You're so insecure!" And then it is the double kill with their being the bully in keeping you robbed of your lunch money (reputation) because they want to make you pay the price for the way they act and behave. A man can go through motions and get what it means to LITERALLY open a door for a lady, but in their mind chivalry is beyond dead. I feel it hurts me more than it helps me to try to search and date for a man anymore. My last Zoosk date ended with an extremely silent cut off from my end which brings me back to what I was saying with the local bollywood. I have been made to feel blackmailed in so many jealous and ridiculous ways, I'm not too phased by the way the local wants to look creepy. The first and only time I saw him, he looked like Jon Stewart the most which was a reason I thought nothing of him and treated him to disposal. But I know this bollywood means to hit on me but he looks like another Butch 50 shades Christian who wants to smack me around with more jealous stupidity. I've known I've had all I can stand, but when will I ever be saved from Christian's Butch? Do you not realize what you do to me when you seriously want to question or keep me questioned along the lines of who you specifically want to make yourself look like? What gives with your Butch wanting to make me pay the price? It's obviously not the first time it's happened, but it is such a sick, jealous, and hateful addiction of hate and sadism some men have with the worst intent. You really interrogate, manhunt, and bully all women like that? Of course you would want me to feel singled out and womanized all the more. I really do hate insulting someone and especially being forced to insult someone, but I've always had one of two options: to be insulting or numb. The name "Butch," needs to be taken as one of the worst and serious insults there are. I hate how much of a jealous bias and prejudice someone won't stop wanting and forcing me to be had with. I need more justice.

A Way I Wanted to Be More Kind

Personally, I feel I've already over-talked my issues and my ideals. It's not always the easiest thing to repeat things you have already said. Nobody wants to feel ignored or blackmailed, or other feelings of being disrespected after already saying something. I've repeated a lot of different things I've already said any way with my own personal intent. When you just have the feeling of feeling forced to be recognized a certain way or made into someone's blow up doll you just get this forced feeling where it doesn't matter whether or not you are arguing with someone. I know I have personally been unkind and mean even when I know I have no chance with popularity and fascisms. My main mission for myself and everybody: everyone deserves their own personal freedoms and choice in life. While I know I have never won with what I have my mind set on, I still have a strong set of ideals that I've had my mind set on. There are times in my own depression that I think to myself: "what will the things I care for ever matter"? It's not that I've put other things before my ideals, but if I would rather be depressed and alone for my personal sense of respect and dignity, it really is my truth. There is a thought where not everyone in open relationships mean to be so life-threatening, but there is a set of rules already in place, even if another person could come out on top. I just don't play with open relationship rules. I wish I would have had a man that was anything but the same conflict by now. I feel so overkilled by a force that doesn't want to stop forcing me to be had his way. My heart has never stopped breaking and never will stop breaking. It is a suffocation amongst many others. My heart only continues to break with: why won't a man fight, care, or kill to be my match and my mate? Why won't they stop forcing me to be someone else against my respect? My mind has been set on the most traditional, monogamous relationship where the last thing a man would do would bring me to such a severe level of worry, anxiety, fears, and threats. He would know in the most given lamen's terms that it is me he wants to be with and knows what it means to be with me without any hate or animosity. Just because I need some kind of trusting friendship, doesn't mean we can't still be lovers or in passion. When I feel I can't find or make the right connection with someone, I just can't find that connection and it is especially not easy to deal with. I get angry with the pain I've had and the way certain people don't want to understand me in certain ways. I hate to look so two-faced like that but when I feel pushed to be something else or forced in a corner, I just do. While I get labeled as a tran, I will never understand a tran or the tran's label. I think a lot of it is emotional issues where people just wanted to victimize another with having a sexual issue instead of an emotional one. Even if another person intentionally wanted to be another gender, I think to it as their personal issue whether they want to call it emotional or not. Before anything, I believe in freedom. While it is that person's freedom, I'm not going to be blackmailed against my freedom just because I won't be labeled or want someone who is transgender. Yes, it does happen. Most of my anger is still redirected back at the man. When were they ever going to recognize the several different ways they were too forceful to me? When were they ever going to recognize the problem they were being to me? Why were they always going to be such a double standard pig when it comes to taking a hint or recognizing and then keeping my life threatened for not enslaving myself and proving myself and being forced to fight them? Why were they never going to stop with me? How could they not have any common sense with their actions, questions, and insults? How could they not understand so many different things? My heart will always be made for a man, despite the number of times it breaks. I wish it would stop breaking, but it can only keep breaking. This is my chosen life...... ....Male nurse, you're still on my mind. I worry over the mystery you are. I don't know if everything is already too messed up to care and I'm lost with it and don't have the entire strength for. I don't see you in strong relation to the drama that is recently in my mind. But, when it comes to Bollywood, I hate how much of an excuse you have with the coronavirus. It's like it's always been like this in such a terrorizing way and you're another who won't stop adding to the terror of the distancing.

Drowning... man vs. nature/and something else

A person makes their self fight sometimes when they find it necessary and then they get tired of fighting. It might not always be about drama or particular people, even though it is the case sometimes. I can't quite say I am fighting entirely nature alone with there being a second instance of robbery here in Pittsburgh. I hate being battered with being at fault or the one to blame. I haven't been able to get out of my financial situation in the past couple of years. It's bad enough with some seen and a lot of unseen wanting to stalk and stay on top of me to my face. ...Life is just beyond awful. I hardly ever talk about my finances besides knowing it is a personal and sensitive issue of my own or anyone's. I have a few bossy Calvins in this area of subject too. While Calvins are usually egocentric in thinking anything I talk about is parentally up for debate or I'm just being taken down without a fight with no voice and deserving of a mute like there is nothing wrong with it, I expressively talk about my stresses despite the sadism and ignorance that exists. … While I work with the job I prefer the most, the car troubles and expenses are really getting the better of me. I've had times where I've envisioned my financial smooth sailing and then another financial circumstance trip up happens. The hope and relief I thought I would have gets shot down. It is weighing down on me too heavily. It's not my fault that my car was stolen a few months ago but I just can no longer take the endless expenses and trip ups and picking myself up financially again. The literal hours that I work do not add up at all and I'm screaming in my mind with the amount of time I put in working, how much time in life I miss out on, and how long it has been since I have had some time off. It seems Christmas has been the only day I've had off. Work is killing me and I have to troop on and keep going. I thought there would be some kind of change through these 2 years in my finances but I have not gotten anywhere. I am putting myself out of my misery and have already been seeking other employment and may have to give myself a break from one misery while knowing that there is a another kind of potential misery waiting at the regular W-9 employed type of job wherever it may be and however long it may last. …..The holidays weren't the greatest this year but I made it doable. I didn't put up the tree but bought some pretty red Poinsettias. They make a good long lasting indoor plant. I've yet to find flowers that last a little longer indoors. Although one movie was a movie I know I was wanting to watch, I think it added some ruin to Christmas day. I like a lot of "Queen's" songs, but the last thing I needed to see on Christmas was some gay man drama. I felt a little guilty for Mitzi but she was more glued to her 3rd tablet that I bought her. I don't like her having those but it keeps her off my personal phone and computer. She will go for whatever digital thing she can. ....My own personal drama. I can only repeat some of the same things I've already said. I'm Puddintane. I can't find accurate information or know what to believe on my own through isolating Bollywood communication. I'm tired of fighting the Bollywood drama or even trying to get into whatever real drama could be. I know there are a few men I can't deny but I'm both restless and tired. ….