As the Sarah Turns

hmph. Being more discreet now (taking a hint, hint). I wonder if a certain someone is really mad at me for writing my blogs.... He is giving me a huge hint that he is stalking/ watching me. I think he could be confused with me; and I know I'm confused with him. Although he has some kind of obvious attraction to me, my biggest impression of him is: He is a player who is playing on player! lol. Ha. I'm not always sure how to take him, or the way he could be judging me. I could elaborate more on some examples and what my questions are to my elaborations of: what is he talking about? BUT I think I'm going to quietly wait him out more and remain secretive about him. .... I see other prospects of men. I really don't have a lot to say to them right now. While I'm interested in a few; I don't have the motivation or drill to be aggressive after them. I have some good anxiousness and eagerness though. My eyes are open to other possible prospects. .................... Other than man drama, this month has been a rough month and same as last month. I'm hoping that I will greatly catch up with my finances by the end of the month. I can't forget the snow days and tax day that lie ahead in the next few months. Time and rest haven't always been easy to manage either. Things will pan out, I'm sure. God send better days.

current thoughts

I really hate the idea that Jim Ferg and Shawn D are around right now. They both are violent misogynist Gadaffi's. I strongly don't want either of them. If I had to choose between one or the other, I would choose Shawn. He is bullshitting about me again and it is just a cover up to his slave laboring terrorism. Jim F has already proved his slave laboring terrorism, so whatever bullshit self-righteous leadership Jim F think he has against Shawn, I'm mocking it. I'm mocking whatever bullshit Shawn has going on too. I know he has a hidden agenda and is being some sort of cold war Russian against me....... Besides me hating on their tyranny and gang rape, I see Jon's tyranny and gang rape coming and I will hate it more when it gets closer. I hate Jon's rape so much. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. I have a feeling he is going to lay it on thicker with his hateful fascism, wealthy fascism, rainbow fascism, c-fascism, and lie about and deny my truth in more hateful, distorted, or non-existent ways. He has always increased his violence, hatred, and torment every single time. It isn't as lethal anymore, because I've already seen and known what he the rape he is made of. He'll never admit he has never proved a thing. I hope more random or good men come for me to keep Jon blocked away from me.

Still too much fog

Although I keep Justin D and Jade R denied as my "bosses," there is some kind of story going on with them. Jade is mostly painted as a witch than being ignorant and innocent. This has to do with Denny Williamson's lying arrogant bastard gang rape. Jade either intentionally got Denny to harass and stalk me more, or Denny was using Jade to boost his ego as if to say: "You don't have a chance to call me a rapist when I can win someone like this broad." I've always been sickened over the way people think they can rig or structure a "win," to deny their corruption. I just can't get over the way that either people in general can't see the obvious desperate liar he has been, or that someone like Denny would take himself seriously in his own bullshit rig to lie to say he is "innocent." ..... I'm not too sure what has been going on with her husband/ ex husband? Danny? Maybe this is some structured revenge someone wants me to have against Jade: To have an affair with Danny. He does look like he could be showing some kind of safety and security (in a good way) or even having some kind of emotional support. Justin D is making me question if he is showing some emotional support to and could have wanted to hold me during Denny's freakish violence. Or, maybe it is the other someone who wants to personally show me emotional support..... I can't completely see what is going on. ........... Besides whatever Jade is guilty of is what Jon is guilty of. Jon had too much rape and corruption to deal with at once in the first place. I can't believe that Jon would betray me or have some kind of gay relationship with Denny's disgusting lying rapist. I wonder which drug addiction it was that Jon was that sold out on to be that morbidly and murderously against me like that.

Too much information and giving it away

hmph. I hate this conversation already. This is something I really don't want to have to say for myself, because there are times when I really would rather the right man pick up on and pick up on quick, and not care with me: I am horny and need to get laid AND IT CAN'T WAIT ANYMORE. Whoo. I got it out. There have been several guys I have had the hots for from time to time and there is a recent one even right now too. I just don't care I just don't care I just don't care. I will care about the awkwardness and will be most likely angered with random or not so random gross stalkers who are arrogant and think they are good enough for it. Some of the right guys probably know who they are; and they have their own game going on. I would be a little upset if it is supposed to be about a contest of who can hold their sex in the longest. Maybe some guys could have wanted it to be more than just sex and make more of a game of it. I just need someone I can get horny with and just not care. There are times when being with myself doesn't always cut it and when I want to get it on with someone else I just do. There have been times where I have been so horny that I have just screamed "why and how am I not getting myself layed?" I hate the times where I just can't wait anymore. I hate when some men just don't get how much I need it. I HATE BEING THE ONE WHO HAS TO SAY IT FOR MYSELF. WHY DON'T THE RIGHT ONES EVER GET NEEDY OR DEMANDING WITH ME? I'M NOT ANSWERING THAT QUESTION AND I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE ANSWER TO THAT LAST QUESTION. I don't plan on going anywhere else tonight and will be mostly stranded tmw as well and just have to keep living in this sexual burn. I am having a hard time taking it right now.

Hi Jon

I'm coming around in an unusual way this time. I know it has been a long time since I've talked to you or had anything nice to say to you. It has been a real long time. I notice you still keep me included in your life for some reason. You've always had an occasional knock. Sometimes, constant. I still haven't watched one of your shows for a long time either. I still don't want to. Although I am having an unusual conversation with you, I still give myself the credit of keeping you in the cold. I do believe I have the potential to be murdered by you too in a very literal way. There is something else I believe to whether it is meant to be good or bad: You need my company. There are still things I will either ignore or write you off with, but I'll give whatever company I can give...... I still get upset with what the living situation is with Mitzi. Besides the living situation is every day life which has its ups and downs. We can laugh and cuddle, and she can make messes, intentionally make more messes, and has her own spoiled fits to throw. I'm still not talking to anyone in my family, and still don't have friends, and I'm sure you know this. I'm sure you know a lot of factors about me being the hunter you are. Most factors have never been in favor towards me, but I'm not going to get into all of that either right now. Our dog Frank died a morbid death last year. Something tells me it wasn't a freak accident and someone did intentionally kill him. I was expressionless of course. I don't know who killed Frank, but it was nice of someone to just kill him. .... I can tell you think something of me stripping. I don't know what you think yet, and, I really don't care to know what you think of it right now. I still have some more craft festivals I plan on doing once again this year. And, I might even have a better chance to do one or two marathons. I hope I make a lot of money this summer with both jobs, and maybe I'll have more luck in stripping when the school season comes back around. I wonder what some random people are really thinking of your associations and inclusiveness. Before Dolly sent the "Minosaur," book, I did have a clue along the lines of the possessive type of man you are. There really was one time where your lonesomeness killed me on the inside; I just refused to let myself be suckered back in to you. I had a real sorrow, but I just couldn't let up for you. I still hate you and think low of you. I'm going to just have a fickle heart sometimes where I can't handle the way you feel alone and the way I leave you out in the cold. Don't you dare get egocentric for the sake of Katie or that I may fear Katie. I'm being sincere with my fickle heart, and that this is just about you and that I know you sometimes need my company. I may not always be around or there, but I'll try to talk to you sometimes or give you company.

Random Thoughts

There is just too much rain. It has rained so much these past several weeks and I can't stand it. I hate that my options get more limited and I hate it when I especially have planned to go outside. I wonder if any of the pools are opened yet. I have to wait until some of my bruises go down anyway, but I wonder when they open. I still smell too much death in my life, but I keep my mind working and thinking anyway......... Besides some obvious things I already care about, I hope I could find one or two more things to care about eventually. I probably will when my finances get better. I could spend some time and written space on my personal philosophies, beliefs, aggravations, and wishful thinking but I am going to keep pushing it and waiting for another time to say whatever random things are on my mind. I am passing up on two summer festivals this year, and I don't mind at all. It is the marathons in the summer that I don't want to miss out on. I will probably plan and decide a race sometime next week. I think I will have to wait until June for one and later towards the end of summer. I plan to do at least two, but depending on things maybe 3 or 4. Just brief talk in this blog.

Mad

I had plans tonight and I tell you what, I was so ready to perform. I have to wait until next week to get the job done. I know I definitely need to get myself a drink, so I'll probably be out tonight. If I happen to dance, this doesn't mean the milk is still free. (I know I'll still have my clothes on anyway). (I know it is a different setting). ................ Other random thoughts. I've really had a lot of thoughts that I keep to myself. And, I still plan on keeping them to myself..... But what else can I actually think to talk about?. I really don't have much to say. .......... I'm eventually going to force myself to look more at Channing's information. I see why it should be relevant for me, but I'm not going to look at him just yet.......on to do list..... Too much rain this week. I've been needing to get more sunblock anyway, but I still like to get outside. Today and tmw it is suppose to storm. This daggone weather. ...... just need to get out a little and tonight

As the Sarah Turns

I have another self-centered blog to write that is most likely going to get me nowhere, or something else, but I'm going to write it anyway, for my own sake and peace of mind....... Some people in my life are clear, but sometimes some things just aren't clear enough. I think I am getting a sign from Rahm today. I'm not taking back any of the things I've already said. I'm glad that he would stay turned on and keep wanting to rock my cradle. He is just still too quiet. Not building much rapport, and I've let myself get hit with other obvious things to my face that I just didn't recognize at first. (His friendly relationship with the president.) Rahm really hasn't given much input on anything. I could treat the president as another killer and enemy of mine, and this is why I'm not understanding why Rahm would keep looking out for me. Maybe he does have his own preferences of which person he would and wouldn't call out. I know the president is more impossible of a person anyway. He hasn't been building much more rapport with me in general over anything, and he just hasn't said anything more about the obvious issues or whatever it is that is coming up. If he is going to work himself out, I'm not sure how he is going to work himself out, or what his take is over everything going on now.................. I just have to talk about him again: Farmer Man. I kind of ran into him the other night, but we were both talking to other people. If he really was trying to get a message across to me with whoever he was with, I didn't get it. I couldn't hear it. I just remember staring at him and awkwardly talking to whoever I was talking with. It almost sounded like he was wanting the woman he was with to beat me up or attack me in someway, but I was too focused on feeling caught in between him and someone else. (I know I have already let him down through a different structured story.) It is like I want to want to have further interest in farmer man but I can't let myself. I am curious to know more about him, and wondering how far his arbitrage goes. There is only one connection (local) I could guess him to have a possible double representation, but I would want to give farmer man his own credit. I don't completely know what is going on with him. I can't let myself go further with him anyway................. Not sure what is going on with other guys in my life.... I have noticed the persistence of bicycle rider Mike. He does have an obvious impossible dominance and seems he would expect me to be subjected to the subjective bullshit that still goes on. I fear he has several pretty bad shares in the arbitrage and that is another reason I don't want him to win.............. I hope I get a job soon.

Rahm

I can't see who is controlling the entire media, or the person I'm talking to right now, but I'm going to give the conversation to you anyway....... Rahm, I'll give you a little bit of credit where I know my life is presently not being as violently threatened as it was. Still, there needs to be more changes made. This isn't another contest of change; I'm just sick of the way some people want to sum me up and think they have the problem solved. It was cute with "Judge Joe Brown." While Jon has been responsible for a lot of slavery, rape, stockholms, tyranny, and violence, it needs to be treated for the real story that it is. This is kind of watering it down and saying it has all been comedy. I don't think it is funny at all. My scars and damages are real. My history is real. Jon has made those choices to do serious damage and harm to me. Jon Stewart's story is real. I know that; I will always know that....... My most complained complaint has always been about my survival and the constant ways I've been violently underestimated, violently and ridiculously tested, have been given terrible expectations, envied, lied about, and losing to what seems the same exact Jon Stewart and most likely Bob D Atri's nigger dominance for what it has been. It all seems the same wigger/ nigger dominance to me. I'm given the same labels, violently raped and underestimated with the same structures, and am expected to beg or fight a violently degrading fight. I AM TOO GOOD FOR ANY AND ALL DOMINANCE FROM THE START. I know I have been really let down, and I hate that they themselves forget just how seriously disappointing they are. I hate them for making me their inferior and expecting me to feel like a loser. I never have and I never will. I hate how desperate people get within jobs. Rather than just doing or being in the job, the story will always change. They will always go too far in a power trip or think it is ok to terribly and arrogantly think they have someone owned in the worst ways. I hate the way people think they have what it takes to manipulate after my life has been the same for this long. People either do or do not like me. People either will or won't treat me as a qualified candidate for whatever job without giving me other terrible threats. People either will or won't treat me as nothing but a 36B statistic. (and of course I KNOW THE DISCRIMINATION HAS ALWAYS BEEN WRONG. Fuck you Rahm for not being perfect or pure enough against prejudice and discrimination. Fuck you for have already letting me down knowing there can only be a certain extent of trust and certain extent where I can respect you in getting real........ How has the job search been going? Personally, I don't even like the look of the new job I applied for and wouldn't even be surprised if I didn't get the job. Looked at a stay at home job. I know it isn't legit because there is only one short paragraph that talks about what the job description actually is and it still isn't detailed enough. He just talks up the number of checks he writes and tries to prove his "legitimacy," with his own bullshit video about making money. He hardly talks about the job itself at all. He even seems to pigeon-hole and intimidate a person of interest, "If you are checking out this website, you are obviously open to a stay at home job." The way he says it, it is like it is a threat of being cornered or numbered to have an interest in a work-at-home job. I know it doesn't even have anything do with my damned living circumstances for what they are right now either. "The Good Wife," ? Still havn't read or watched it. I know neither you nor Jon are dead and gone. Jon will always be the same murderous, slave-laboring, rapist stalker to me. You are someone to continue to guess at for now, until like the rest, your story is the same as Jon's in one way or another. My screams have always been. But, on some occasions when Jon does deny the Tyrant nigger rapist he always has been, I scream more.

The Only Silence I'm Breaking

Is keeping you updated with my truth. I know you have already denied my truth in the worst ways and have damaged me for other women (and men). However, I will always know my truth no matter how much you do or don't lie, twist, rig, and deceive the truth. The answer is still "no," to being subjected to any woman you wish. I am not your or her follower. "Alabama hot tub." No. I have never felt at home with you, I will most likely never feel at home with you. Knowing what your history has been and your predictable expectation of you wanting me to live in lies will never be home. I am still a hobo at heart. You do not have what it takes to make me feel at home.

He just wants me Muah!

Forget the Super Bowl, forget everything, it is time for another episode of "As the Sarah Turns." .............. I really don't know how I sometimes end up as such a center of attention the ways I do sometimes...... I have yet to see an episode of "The New Girl," but I think I will make myself watch it tonight if I can write this blog in enough time. I'm sure it will be running on a website if I miss it. ......... Man Drama. Right now, my instincts are telling me it is the heart Dr. who wants me. He really kept me guessing. I think Jon and Steve are being gay. If my guess is off and is not the heart Dr., and it is Jon, like I can't afford to reject or possibly even hurt him for myself. Sometimes, I question just how numb he is to my rejection....... Heart Dr. Mike aka "Dr. MH" He really kept me guessing. I saw some of the games that were going on with him. Despite some other things, it looked like he was cheering for me. Although I have not yet expected $$$ for setting up his appointment with me, he did threaten me with "he could be the prostitute." I kept quiet about things going on most of the game, knowing I would be writing a blog later. The next threat wasn't a threat. It was the friendly gesture and cheer with Fergie's "Pump it." But then, there was the gay man threat after that. And besides the threat of him being gay, was the threat of seeing me as the man. A continued structured and socialized punishment/slander towards and against me of being a transvestite, because how dare I not succumb to Tom Petty's Mary Jane song and be limp and damn my dancing or having a continued strong will to live. I don't care to pussyfoot about transvestites or fear the structured labels anymore. I simply feel uncomfortable around bisexual men and bisexual men who want to visualize and sexually attract me as a man. Yes, it is way too perverted and degrading. Too insultingly X-rated. TURNS OUT THOUGH, Dr. MH has other "whispering" sweetness in my ear. Although degradation like that has happened before, he doesn't mean it in the extreme way, and he really was giving shared smiles in a very friendly way. He simply just wants me. He wants me. So, I let him win. I don't know if he is actually going to approach me in person, or if anything will ever come of it, but I let him win. I did take note of the Bronco's player too. I'm not sure what exactly I should know about him. (I did initially pick the Bronco's team to root for.) (A lot of confusing signals and sometimes wondering who was really who.) I loved the half-time show. I've like Bruno Mars music for while. When I get my I-Tunes up and running again, I will eventually download some of his music. I wonder if Anthony Keidis really has his own personal rock-look, but I question if there is someone else he is supposed to look like?