Cisco: So I can't beat you at the snob contest yet

I think I'll start with the good before the bad... ~a little light headed and heart racing right now~ woo~ I just googled you. lol I haven't done tons of research as to whether or not you have a real life wife or girlfriend but it really made my heart skip a beat if you really were taken by someone else. Your accent is so adorable. And you in that black robe: so adorable. It was a video from two years ago. I've had a different English accent of you in my head so I'm upset that the voicing hasn't been accurate. I know what you sound like now. Mean translator. However the paranormal works... Whether I'm being tested by some creeper I know I don't want to know about, I'm keeping my focus on you..... I really had a different direction of conversation where I was going to go, but the sight and sound of you makes me a little more aloof and I forgot the half of what I was going to talk about with you. Last night. Did I get anything I was trying to say to you about "if you give a kid a piece of candy?" Cervelli, don't take it like that. Don't take it like I was trying to insult you like any man can take you for what you're worth and "I can understand why they would look over you". Don't take me like that. While I hate the song "In the Summertime," it is kind of along those lines of what I'm saying. You use a stereotype or the way other men have treated me against me, and the next men will use the way you treat me against me as well predictably speaking. Who knows, maybe another idealist will try hard in his own personal idealism. I honestly haven't planned on being an all out cheater right now really. It isn't fair that you won't ease my troubled mind enough in your snobbery or honest truth with how many women you could have, but I am easing your troubled mind anyway. There is no one else that I'm going to Cervelli. Strangers have the best odds but I haven't searched for any new strangers. I could a couple of months from now, but I'm just not over you or care to play any intentional rebound games. I really wanted to keep going long at the snob and silent contest and I still see you as mostly silent. Despite some signs, I can't see you as Jon or anyone else I should feel worried over my truth against (as some people have kept me worried with you could be compared to them). You stay silent to me like you don't want to make me feel anymore harassed or hurt than what you do. ...I am an actions speak louder than words kind of person. While you have some way of being kind to me in the mind and are good with me; you are still ultimately my real life snob. You blocked me on twitter and you have not made anymore further effort to communicate to me in real life. It matters to me and I still have a sob in the back of my throat. I hate my life will always seem to be in the same status quo. I really tried to beat you with my silence and snobbery but nothing is over until it is over. I can't promise and can't not promise more conversation. I honestly don't have a lot to talk about right now and see how impossible it is to have further to talk about. I guess I thought I would try to clarify that I wasn't meaning to offend you (and sorry if I further offend you with "In the Summertime," song along with Jack White's "We can't afford to look this cheap." But, my feelings are hurt too. They really are. It isn't even that you have to literally treat me to an expensive meal. I need the normal and real life relationship. You make me feel so wanted and then you make me feel so rejected the next minute with whatever you think is so wrong with me that would never see me or be seen with me in person. You leave me no other choice than to assume you are keeping me snubbed and there must be something wrong with me. You still have too much of an unfair dominance. You really could have the best of intentions of wanting to protect me, but I'm so uneasy for the way you would be in fear against me. I want to feel protected the other way where I won't feel denied or disowned by you. While you have your silence for me; you still make me guess at how much of an enemy you are to me. ….

Random Thoughts

While I feel I live through some of the same bullshit turmoil in feeling ignored, misaligned, and taken in the worst intentional wrong way with some people, I have a few things good going on... I'm glad I can be mostly happy with my job and am making decent money and that it has recently gotten better with some bonuses that are giving me a boost. I'm so excited for my interior decoration of seat covers to come in the mail soon. I thought "fuck more of a professionally cut look, I'm going with the pimped out leopard print." Personal customization is such a privilege and joy. It was a project on the back burner, but I got a little shopper happy and put it ahead of the line a little. I will finally be able to afford my updated eye exam too to get another bigger priority out of the way. I still feel behind and like I should have more free time and a stash of cash, but I still have many projects to invest in..... I have a couple of upcoming craft events which I am excited for. Shelf space will not feel wasted or missed out on this year although I wasn't able to try and participate in many new events that I would have wanted to. I was going to go to one this Saturday which was my actual first festival that I started with years ago but it looks like more rain. I just won't be able to withstand the misery of the weather. So, unless weather predictions miraculously change, I probably will have to skip this one. I don't have as much of a new inventory as I wanted because I have hardly had the time to make anything throughout this past year, but I still have a good bit of inventory from years gone by. I should be working on some right now, but I feel the need to just write about random things. Speaking of hobbies, Mitzi had her first girl scout meeting and things look exciting and fun in this next coming year. I don't know enough people to figure out how I will be of any help with fundraising but I could offer some of my passengers some cookies when spring rolls around. lol. I havn't got around to looking for a church yet because there are just too many weekend bonuses with lyft and uber and I am always out late on Saturdays. I at least got Mitzi involved in one thing outside of school. Me, tomorrow is my second night of Bingo. I enjoy it when I'm not stressed over bills and can have the time for it. This past week went good enough where I can go and not feel guilty that I could be making more money with my Bingo time...…. I don't know what I'm going to say to whatever next heart Dr. I get this time. I'm going to just blink and have some brief talk about my health and bullshit I talked to some random person at the bar who says that some heart "flutters or fibrilations" are due to nuclear power or waves (and as much as I would want to say I feel I strongly believe the nuclear waves are intentionally and paranormally caused from a trigger pull from a wealthy person who wants to buy my death) I can only blink "some kind of nuclear power, yeah." "help me." I didn't have the chest pain, but I could feel my heart internally beating so hard in ways that are not normal. I cried the another night when my atrial flutter/fibrillation or however it is defined started happening when I was driving and when I was laying in bed right before another paranormal happening. I don't want to die. The thought of leaving Mitzi behind and alone to face the world is what makes me cry the most. I can't stand the thought of her being forced into any more pain of vulnerability and a disadvantage. I really wish I could know a godparent to pick who would love to raise her as their own. I can't stand the thought of her going with the grandparents or aunt and uncle. I hate death scares. I hate them. I hate them. I hate them. I go back to living every day life like life will always be the same every day life...…….

Grateful for the Distraction

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Final Thoughts

I think I'll start with the arbitrage until I go to a particular subject I've dealt with. Someone did break in my head again last night and continued on in his lust while I know I'm being digitally denied in Bollywood and he continues to chase his wife (although I have seen mixed messages) but I have an answer: I still do not want to be played with the wife or soon to be ex wife especially when there is still so much I don't know about him. When a man makes the choice to Stockholm me; he is the one who needs to have something to get at. I refuse to let him put it on me and make me pay a price for what he started. I do not have him entirely denied. I will not be made to feel responsible for his choice..... There is nothing left I can say in regards to him. It looks as if Jared could be taking a dare for me, but I'm not sure what is to believe of him. How much of a truth could he carry with the last arbitrage representative? He may not be trying to mess with my head at all and I have a hard time in believing that he would want to say to me some things that Scott was saying. Jared is a long term friend in his own way that I just didn't keep up with. I would feel in a little bit of terror if he seriously wanted to seduce me. .......... The subject. "Sense of security" While I can be picked at myself for being arrogant or vain on occasion; I have also been picked at with security. Anytime I feel threatened with it, my mind only steers in one direction: conquestial threat. The person who is placing the threat of security over another really is being a vain cut throat. Resistance is futile can be said in many ways, but the thought of giving them a foot is just that: you already know resistance is futile. It is a right from person to person to have their own personal thoughts and opinions, but so many people do not understand their conquestial vain narc actions for what they are. They do not always understand that they insist to be the lead. They do not understand that they mean to undermine or underestimate the other person who many times, they hardly know. The person being threatened in turn, can only be a beggar or forced to fight as if they have something to prove. It is a terrible corner to be forced to be in from time to time. It varies with just how vain and how terrible a person can be. Anytime I feel a threat: I process it as I've described and there are many times I feel intentionally harassed by a neverending narc that will never give up on wanting to be in control. As I've said, people have rights to their opinions, but when they don't understand the rights of the opinions of a person's sense of security that they want to attack, they just don't get how much of a war it is on the other person. With the way I have recently been provoked, I am seriously thinking to myself: Yes I am the smarter, greater, fairer, and better sex. I won't always come right out and say that. I am usually very passive about it because I hate the corner I'm in to begin with. I hate the potential of rape that comes with it with the obvious disagreement. But it happens. It is the reason for a lot of rape and I have been in terror and raped in other ways because men, especially men such as Jon Stewart seriously realize that I gave myself the dominate compliment against their respect. When it is my personal right to feel like I'm too good for some people; it is my personal right to feel like I'm too good for some people. When it has been worth it for me to not fight for anyone because I can't stand the way they want to conquest me, it is my personal right and choice to not fight for it. I wish more people would read in between their lines more and understand what it is they are trying to say and just how much of a fighting word that it is. My cry for help over the issue grows.