As the Sarah Turns, Other Random Thoughts............

I guess I'll start with my soap. Nothing is matching up. There are times the online world matches up with the things going on in my mind, but this time, the online world doesn't match with my mind. It is a somewhat dangerous situation no matter how I see it. I will speak what is on my mind none the less.... I feel more paranoid with Sidney as an enemy than I do with Mike. I still have some feelings and care for Sidney, but right now, although the entire story does not make sense, I feel I have to choose between the two. It still seems an impossible situation with them being my imaginary boyfriends and the odds that we will never meet and that they will always be my Ray Ray....... Right now, I'd have to choose Mike. There is some friendliness and romance there too. I have a very serious attraction to him and I could almost send him any love song, but being that he is still a Ray Ray Pinocchio, I just can't take him or myself seriously enough...... Let's just say I would let my imagination run wild and that everything going on stayed the same and became it's own comfortable and domestic story; I just would not be comfortable enough. I want Mitzi to have one dad, not two, or some secondary "mystery relative." lol. What if I did become the third wheel of both dads and they just decide to seriously just be gay. I'd still be alone, but left with an actual more baggage and drama that I could have never had... I know divorces happen all of the time and some men do go for other men and not always other women ~lol~ already raced past the thought of marriage and living together and then the divorce. I would expect my significant other to be living with my daughter and I. I just have a hard time understanding how serious anything is and that I feel some sense of seriousness coming from their end. I am in demand. I am seriously in demand. I am feeling seriously wanted and wanted possessively. I feel they both want to be known as straight, and right now this is the breaking point of the choice and it is no longer ok to keep fooling around with both of them. I've been tricked again to be punished. (And it could be a double trick of Sidney's although the trick is on Mike.) No more fooling around with Sidney. It just isn't fair to be punished like that when some thoughts are intentionally misleading where I am led to believe it is what they want. It wasn't that I could fantasize like that forever, or would intentionally want that. There are so many things I can live without. Even if I never sleep with a woman; I can live without it. Having more than one partner at a time has always been awkward...... I mostly play it quiet, but I tend to break my silence from time to time with a reality check and wonder how much of a reality check they have on their end.......... So So busy in these next 3 weeks. I'm super busy with work this week. Next week's schedule is a little tripped up with travels and events. It can be stressful when it cuts into my other work time, but I'm hoping I'll be making enough to carry through next week and the week after. I'll be checking out apartments one day, and the other I will be having another festival which I hope to have better luck with. Then on Sunday of that week it will be VACATION TIME!!!! I have another festival the day right after vacay. I have a lot on my plate this month and the next, but it is how life goes sometimes. I will be super busy, on my feet, and probably running around like a chicken with its head cut off in getting all of the work and paperwork done in moving. Such a major long to do list when it comes to moving. I'm getting myself braced and ready for all the stress I will be taking on in June and July. Got to get ahead with everything else in whatever ways I can.

As the Sarah Turns: Playing On

I really am stressed over the player I am right now. The world turns, but my world isn't turning enough right now. I'm still mostly stuck on Sidney, but I think I may have another imaginary boyfriend, AND I actually have a real guy I'm talking to in person a little. I'm pretty sure he is his own man for himself, and I don't think he is some messed up intentional Pinocchio for someone else..........lol with my new imaginary boyfriend, as much as I would want to keep him and Sid provoked as Pinocchio: I'm laughing with a squeal because I'm the scared one. Yeah, I'm not sure how much it is every man for himself with both of my imaginary boyfriends... I think imaginary boyfriend 2 wants to be protective of Sidney, but I think he could want to be protective of me too. I think he knows more of what Sidney thinks and he could have been to insulting against me in ways I don't get. I would assume that he would want to be more loyal or protective of Sidney than I, but he is questionable. So, I have a little but of an uncontrollable pant and purr for imaginary boyfriend 2, but I don't know him anymore than I know Sidney. I'm not 100% sure of what their present status' are and what all it is they are doing. .......... The real life guy I am somewhat talking to. We are taking it slow, and I'm sure he has other interests and women to play. I don't have too strong or unfair expectations yet to be on his case of being a player. He's not a Frank so far either. He has a slow and kind respect and I wouldn't want to provoke it.... Like I said, I think this guy is for himself and wouldn't put himself out to put another man out in the arbitrage, but I think it is the arbitrage that wants to use him already. "Jay/Jared," is their code name where 2 of the arbitrage men don't even have Jay or Jared as their real name. I think the newest 2nd imaginary boyfriend has his own extent in the arbitrage of having that name, and I find it to be confusing and wouldn't know how to encode him all. Must be some kind of story there.. It is like he is giving me a message where he is standing closer than what I know... A little more scatterbrained. I have a little bit of a thing for him. I still have a thing for Sidney. This was very stressful to talk about, but I must say it.