Defenseless

Sometimes, I feel u could be talking to me in the head, but once again the communication is still not tangible or believable enough. Even if you actually said it, you as a person are not convincible or trustworthy enough. Maybe you understand a love you could have for me despite everything, but you just won't realize the depth of your large number of betrayals enough. It's like you want a quick and easy kiss and make up and think everything will just disappear over night. I know I had a hard time in catching onto you and still don't understand the person you are to this day. You were always too prejudiced and betraying to get to know me or get the chance that you never gave me. I don't want the chance. Not anymore. I will never feel loved or wanted enough with you. It is selfish of you to want to keep holding on to me because of my natural emotions and heartbreak. I know you only have more heart break to offer. A lot of me has become numb because of the kind of person u r. It isn't fair to me for the way you still expect me to settle for you. I know you have had recent betrayals and foul-mouthed slander to beat me up. It isn't that you ever try to win me or have serious commitment, you just expect me to be easy and give in to you over nothing. Give into you because I can't take the pain. I know it's not like I have never betrayed you back. I still doubt that I ever broke your heart or caused you distress or have any effect. Your complex has always been too big and you make me feel like the blows I give you with everything I have in me are just like a light tap. You've always seemed too cold-blooded and that I was always available. Sometimes, when I can't stand the pain, I think about just trying to be that submissive hopeless person with you. I think if I just shut up as much as I can and do nothing but sit around and looking pretty and find all the ways I can to pay attention to you than maybe all the pain would go away. It is still a square one with me: I will never feel loved or wanted enough. I feel like a defenseless, hopeless fool where nothing is ever going to go up or get any better from here. King Agmenon or whatever the Troy conquestial fuck's name is. When you want any kind of serious relationship with me, I'm not going to feel ashamed or taken aback anymore expecting a serious love. I've always expected love from anyone who wanted a serious relationship with me. AND SERIOUSLY, I AM NOT YOUR FOOL. I DO NOT TRUST YOU.

Random Thoughts

It has been a rough week. I'm hoping that good stuff will happen and that I get a little more sunshine in my life. I will be in town Friday and plan on going out. I'll have to get a newspaper to see what bands are playing or what kind of parties are going on. I don't know whether or not I will see anyone, but the dare for the Dr. is still on. If not, I'm sure I will find someone else to run into, or fun to be had anyway. I'm really not sure what I think of the Dr. anymore. He could be mad at recent things that I've said, and I'm just not taking back the violent rapist dogs that I think several ppl are. If I don't run into him, I won't be surprised, but I thought he may have had some kind of new and fresh outlook. I don't know what is up with the Dr. I really need something good to happen or something to cheer me up soon. All this rain needs to go away. June is halfway through and Mitzi and I have yet to go swimming. Mitzi's terrible spoiled 3's are here. Almost every sentence: "I want that. Let's go do this. I want I want I want." I know I'd be rich if I got a nickel for every "I want," that came out of her mouth. She is a bossy baby. She was bossy the day she was born, and I even had my own way of teasing her with being a bossy baby. She can be especially hard to take care of sometimes. I have a few knitting frustrations, but have knit enough to be satisfied. I was hoping to have more of all of the above made by now, but it is just time dependent. signing off for now