When I fall in love

Glory and all hail to my Canadian. Seriously, 3 Days Grace, "Just Like You," felt good to dance to last night. Whether or not you have any: "what gives?" or, "if, then, but," statements, I have my own questions and responses to make up. The things that some people won't think to think about and how much I can't always bear to be patient with some people with some things. What gives with others or you and I? I always saw your and others totalitarian actions for what they were. Some things can look and appear to be simple. It was the fact that I refused to conform, socially "put out," and stay reluctant that I was murdered the way I was murdered. I know men will always be out for more land and possession, and if I feel murdered for anything, I feel murdered for the way I always was and was never under your wing. I feel murdered for not conforming or being easy or putting out in several different ways. I have always felt scarred by the way you expect me to give in or give up and how low of a valuable I was. You can't change the choices that you made and the impression you left on me when you made them. Coming from you: " I feel you have changed in some ways. .... If you have a certain attraction you have, why be so stubborn, what are you trying to prove?" If you know something you feel or did, then why won't you see it my way? ..... I'd say there is still no comparison with your violence and evilness to mine. There is no comparison with your shallowness and lack of humanity than mine. When it comes to being bisexual, there is still one main block of mine in the way with one specific person. If anything ever were to happen, the song is still not about you. ...."Why are you so stubborn about being bisexual when it comes to me? Why won't you be a bisexual swinger with me and feel comfortable with it?" Because when I fall in love, it will be forever Jon. I know love is a feeling that can't be controlled but a commitment to someone you love is. You will never have a committed love to offer me, and I do wish to save and share a committed love that I could have with someone. When I fall in love and am loved back, I do expect a committed love out of a man. I know most men and especially you have issues with self control. WTF is self control, you ask? It's making the conscious choice to either refrain or take action to stick with something you say you are or want to be. It's knowing you may have an urge to say something or lust for someone, but you choose not to. If I ever find a man, if we ever have a serious love for each other, I have always expected faithfulness. I expect to be the main person he feels vulnerable with. I expect he shares and opens up to me and that we are anything but strangers. Whether he is straight or bisexual, I expect him to stay sexually faithful to me. I HAVE NEVER WANTED TO BE A SWINGER OR IN AN OPEN MARRIAGE AND NEVER WILL WANT THAT LIFESTYLE. WHETHER OR NOT I'M BISEXUAL, I do expect a man to want my faithfulness when it comes to both men and women. IN THE MEANTIME, WHEN I'M SINGLE, MY TRUTH WILL NOT BE DISTORTED AS ACCEPTING A COMMITTED SWINGING LIFESTYLE. I've always been out for a man and know I will never be in a sexually serious relationship with a woman. EVEN THOUGH I've never slept with a woman, and you have with a man? Why is it ok for me but not you? I never even said that. I do regret the awkwardness of it. I hate the awkwardness of you. I AM NOT MAKING THE CHOICE TO BE MARRIED TO YOU. IF YOU EVER TOOK IT AS A SERIOUS MARRIAGE WHAT A SICK, CRUEL, EXTREMELY UNIDEALISTIC JOKE OF A MARRIAGE THAT IT IS. My love and marriage will not be made a joke of. I know I can live without you and have made the choices to let go of you. YOU WON'T LET GO OF ME OR LEAVE ME ALONE. When I fall and love and get married I deserve faithfulness and to be treated as NUMBER 1 AND WILL NEVER ACCEPT ANYTHING LESS. STOP WAITING AND THINKING THAT I WOULD EVER COMPROMISE MYSELF. IF YOU EVER SERIOUSLY HAD SOMETHING LIKE THAT TO OFFER, I STILL CAN'T COME AROUND FOR YOU BECAUSE OF THE MAN YOU ALWAYS WERE. YOU MADE THE CHOICE TO BE THAT TYPE OF PERSON.

Dog of a Dog, Fool of a fool

Dogs dogs dogs. Although I could take something several ways, I'll only take it two according to my belief and misbelief. First off, I just don't understand the mind vex that I have. If a real CIA agent wanted me to believe or trust in him, why in the world would he want to look like Shawn D'A? I'll take the stance first if everything was real to believe. What a kill he has to throw himself on me like that. Besides my Olga making everything obsolete, he makes my hatred and every hateful word I've said obsolete. We have both betrayed each other. Two different ways of mind over matter. Besides knowing my history and the things I could always want to use against him; I feel so defenseless. There is something that he does so right and making me feel like there are NO STRINGS. Whether or not he was wanting to make me a severe fool; it felt good to me to make him know the serious "no" and resistance I have against the baby's father. I haven't been desperate for anyone this whole time, and I am especially not going to be desperate for the baby's father either. He never threatened me with his conquestial terrorism that has always been and I have the biggest mind vex with his dog of a dog. Maybe he has a sincere thug love (knowing it is right to defend myself against John's stalker). It isn't that the literal man is coming across as a thug, but a "rightful," authority. There is a way I feel I could die. ....... In being anything but naïve; I did have a few songs to play for this CIA dude. NIN's "Closer," "Bite the Hand that Feeds You," Ludacris' "Fantasy" Dead Weather "Cut Like a Buffalo" . It was my own laugh of his own doggishness and irony. Boy, did that man keep me fed more than well last night. I don't think I'm on this dude's hit list, but I think I could be on Shawn D's hit list. I think Shawn would want to make the biggest fool of me. Maybe he wants to prove me wrong, but I just don't understand him. Why would he be the hateful killer, predator, and conquistador of a man at one time and all of a sudden everything isn't like that anymore? Is it my inevitable vulnerability and that I'm "easier" in a different way? If he were real, I'd probably be mostly quiet and listless for awhile and eventually have more to say. I'm just not understanding if this CIA dude really wants to represent himself why he does give me the vibe he is being in the senate for someone else, or wants to leave some kind of impression on me in using someone else?