A Way I Wanted to Be More Kind

Personally, I feel I've already over-talked my issues and my ideals. It's not always the easiest thing to repeat things you have already said. Nobody wants to feel ignored or blackmailed, or other feelings of being disrespected after already saying something. I've repeated a lot of different things I've already said any way with my own personal intent. When you just have the feeling of feeling forced to be recognized a certain way or made into someone's blow up doll you just get this forced feeling where it doesn't matter whether or not you are arguing with someone. I know I have personally been unkind and mean even when I know I have no chance with popularity and fascisms. My main mission for myself and everybody: everyone deserves their own personal freedoms and choice in life. While I know I have never won with what I have my mind set on, I still have a strong set of ideals that I've had my mind set on. There are times in my own depression that I think to myself: "what will the things I care for ever matter"? It's not that I've put other things before my ideals, but if I would rather be depressed and alone for my personal sense of respect and dignity, it really is my truth. There is a thought where not everyone in open relationships mean to be so life-threatening, but there is a set of rules already in place, even if another person could come out on top. I just don't play with open relationship rules. I wish I would have had a man that was anything but the same conflict by now. I feel so overkilled by a force that doesn't want to stop forcing me to be had his way. My heart has never stopped breaking and never will stop breaking. It is a suffocation amongst many others. My heart only continues to break with: why won't a man fight, care, or kill to be my match and my mate? Why won't they stop forcing me to be someone else against my respect? My mind has been set on the most traditional, monogamous relationship where the last thing a man would do would bring me to such a severe level of worry, anxiety, fears, and threats. He would know in the most given lamen's terms that it is me he wants to be with and knows what it means to be with me without any hate or animosity. Just because I need some kind of trusting friendship, doesn't mean we can't still be lovers or in passion. When I feel I can't find or make the right connection with someone, I just can't find that connection and it is especially not easy to deal with. I get angry with the pain I've had and the way certain people don't want to understand me in certain ways. I hate to look so two-faced like that but when I feel pushed to be something else or forced in a corner, I just do. While I get labeled as a tran, I will never understand a tran or the tran's label. I think a lot of it is emotional issues where people just wanted to victimize another with having a sexual issue instead of an emotional one. Even if another person intentionally wanted to be another gender, I think to it as their personal issue whether they want to call it emotional or not. Before anything, I believe in freedom. While it is that person's freedom, I'm not going to be blackmailed against my freedom just because I won't be labeled or want someone who is transgender. Yes, it does happen. Most of my anger is still redirected back at the man. When were they ever going to recognize the several different ways they were too forceful to me? When were they ever going to recognize the problem they were being to me? Why were they always going to be such a double standard pig when it comes to taking a hint or recognizing and then keeping my life threatened for not enslaving myself and proving myself and being forced to fight them? Why were they never going to stop with me? How could they not have any common sense with their actions, questions, and insults? How could they not understand so many different things? My heart will always be made for a man, despite the number of times it breaks. I wish it would stop breaking, but it can only keep breaking. This is my chosen life...... ....Male nurse, you're still on my mind. I worry over the mystery you are. I don't know if everything is already too messed up to care and I'm lost with it and don't have the entire strength for. I don't see you in strong relation to the drama that is recently in my mind. But, when it comes to Bollywood, I hate how much of an excuse you have with the coronavirus. It's like it's always been like this in such a terrorizing way and you're another who won't stop adding to the terror of the distancing.