Random Thoughts

While I feel I live through some of the same bullshit turmoil in feeling ignored, misaligned, and taken in the worst intentional wrong way with some people, I have a few things good going on... I'm glad I can be mostly happy with my job and am making decent money and that it has recently gotten better with some bonuses that are giving me a boost. I'm so excited for my interior decoration of seat covers to come in the mail soon. I thought "fuck more of a professionally cut look, I'm going with the pimped out leopard print." Personal customization is such a privilege and joy. It was a project on the back burner, but I got a little shopper happy and put it ahead of the line a little. I will finally be able to afford my updated eye exam too to get another bigger priority out of the way. I still feel behind and like I should have more free time and a stash of cash, but I still have many projects to invest in..... I have a couple of upcoming craft events which I am excited for. Shelf space will not feel wasted or missed out on this year although I wasn't able to try and participate in many new events that I would have wanted to. I was going to go to one this Saturday which was my actual first festival that I started with years ago but it looks like more rain. I just won't be able to withstand the misery of the weather. So, unless weather predictions miraculously change, I probably will have to skip this one. I don't have as much of a new inventory as I wanted because I have hardly had the time to make anything throughout this past year, but I still have a good bit of inventory from years gone by. I should be working on some right now, but I feel the need to just write about random things. Speaking of hobbies, Mitzi had her first girl scout meeting and things look exciting and fun in this next coming year. I don't know enough people to figure out how I will be of any help with fundraising but I could offer some of my passengers some cookies when spring rolls around. lol. I havn't got around to looking for a church yet because there are just too many weekend bonuses with lyft and uber and I am always out late on Saturdays. I at least got Mitzi involved in one thing outside of school. Me, tomorrow is my second night of Bingo. I enjoy it when I'm not stressed over bills and can have the time for it. This past week went good enough where I can go and not feel guilty that I could be making more money with my Bingo time...…. I don't know what I'm going to say to whatever next heart Dr. I get this time. I'm going to just blink and have some brief talk about my health and bullshit I talked to some random person at the bar who says that some heart "flutters or fibrilations" are due to nuclear power or waves (and as much as I would want to say I feel I strongly believe the nuclear waves are intentionally and paranormally caused from a trigger pull from a wealthy person who wants to buy my death) I can only blink "some kind of nuclear power, yeah." "help me." I didn't have the chest pain, but I could feel my heart internally beating so hard in ways that are not normal. I cried the another night when my atrial flutter/fibrillation or however it is defined started happening when I was driving and when I was laying in bed right before another paranormal happening. I don't want to die. The thought of leaving Mitzi behind and alone to face the world is what makes me cry the most. I can't stand the thought of her being forced into any more pain of vulnerability and a disadvantage. I really wish I could know a godparent to pick who would love to raise her as their own. I can't stand the thought of her going with the grandparents or aunt and uncle. I hate death scares. I hate them. I hate them. I hate them. I go back to living every day life like life will always be the same every day life...…….