deep breath

The last short comments could have had the potential to say a lot, or maybe the connect the dots math isn't what I think.... You want me to be your Koala? You want me to be some sort of objective ring dog intended to say who is boss and want me to make you proud? You want me to be a prostitute for Chris? -either being the prostitute is the dog boss to make you proud -having sex with him would be symbolic to me giving in to him to either: *be bisexual *get a boob job *not in being the real boss by being the prostitute, but the man gives himself to upperhand to say customers have always been the breadwinners, therefore they are the boss.... My first initial instinct was a boob job. I'm a little terrified that you could be the one bleeding everywhere with "giving you the choice..." (I know you never had a boob job) (not terrified against you; sad if you really are bleeding like that) (sad if you are bleeding if it is about you being a prostitute) I'd never make fun of you, you give me an awareness of my own understanding to some of the torment of it. I can't see how damaged you are me knowing how damaged I am, and not knowing the info of some of the things makes me feel sad and scared. I'm sorry if you have had to live a miserable life to this very day. I'm sorry if there is nothing that could ever fix your pains. I'm sorry if you never feel capable of love or being loved ever again. No to being bisexual NO to getting a boob job As for being the prostitute ........... I really am naturally a koala to you no matter how mean you are as the pimp (mostly, but later it may be more depending on the details) ......... I feel the same way I have from the start. I am aware how my survival continues to remain threatened in several different ways. It would be a difficult life change but as much as I feel the thunder hit of your love, I am a little held back. It is something I don't want to be the one who is seen as the manipulator when I have suffered totalarianism the whole time. I am not responsible for the communism in my life. It wouldn't be fair to put it on me in that way. When I say "fall in to play," I say structure or no structure, lie or no lie, I know what I am. No matter how right someone's totalitarianism is to theirself or "power to the people" the communism will never be right. The oppression will never be right. Either being forced to be a prostitute or noticed by the pimp in a CERTAIN WAY could never have any wham to feel wrong. Not a game to compete with. Two completely different things...... and prostitution is something that I am an inexperienced virgin to.................. Tom, I can't help but be somewhat self-righteous. I also can't help but want to completely disarm myself. Giving up on myself?? No, not really. Not a total sell-out and still know I'm still not a bottom out. Giving me the choice? I do hate how some things are right now and I hate the ways I have to feel (in a still undefeated way) during some sexual and other random abuses that have not stopped and that I can't do a thing with and that I can get very ignored at times. Becoming a prostitute is something I am so virgin to that it isn't really a piece of cake making that choice. As long as I've suffered and been oppressed; I'd want to wait for my survival/resources (mainly my source of income) to be cut to officially make the choice. It isn't easy waiting, feeling threatened, feeling oppressed, feeling lonely, but whether or not you ever come to play, waiting is still the only thing and still an endurance to do and wait for something better in the future. waiting vs. either your timing, seriousness, own decision vs. dying alone with nothing and remorse for Mitzi do, do, die